Reckless Abandon

There and Back Again:A Sad Tale September 16, 2011

2011-09-17T11:51:00.001-07:00

Life. A great man once said, “What has been will be again; what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” Depressing, right? I was just sitting in my bed alone, half reminiscing, half feeling bad for myself, when my mind was turned to three years ago-I was on the start of what would be an epic part of my life (of which most of you know the details). I was just getting familiar with myself and my surroundings, yet something held me back deep within. I couldn't seem to click on the level I had wanted with people. I wasn't undoing myself for anyone, nor even making an attempt at it with anyone that could have been special. I isolated myself from people for reasons beyond logic and rationality. I am somewhat of a loner, but without people life is so much harder, and I knew that, yet I did nothing.

So, as I lay there, my mind turns to today, and then to the scripture. It's funny that the most depressing book in the bible is often the most visible in my life (some call me pessimistic, but I say I am a realist). The teacher proclaimed the verse I alluded to, with the probable definition toward groups of people and how they act, but it seems like most of us could probably turn that wisdom upon our own heart. I sure know I can.

Three years. Three long, beautiful, emotional, capricious years and I feel right back where I started. Again I am on the crest of a new adventure (where only the Lord knows where it is going) and yet again I feel alone, which is never a good (and often a false) feeling. I feel like I want to change but don't know how. I know my depth still, or at least I think I do. I thought I had learned all about my deep insides already, why am I here again? I thought I was sure of what I was and what I stood for, yet here I stand again, a broken man.

The same questions rape my mind (pardon the language, but it best describes) and leave me feeling sheepish-the very feeling I wish to chase away! It really is a paradox of the heart (something I have tried to ignore). I feel lame yet I don't ask for help; I just sit at the street corner playing sad songs on my guitar with three strings. I peddle my good to a wall. I chase a dragon I have already slayed. I wander along in my heart again, my soul yearning for something that I know I have to come, yet again, for something new.

This is a different beast with the same name that I fight. I fight the feeling of discontent and pride, yet he has arisen with three heads where there was only one. The old beast was only of my own making; this one is more. The new heads reeled toward my face wear names I am unfamiliar with. I cannot fight them with the weapons I possess (I hope people can read symbolism some). To put it simply, there is a serious age gap and a disconnect I feel from the community at my new home.

So as people are out having fun on a Friday night, I will do homework because of some great mystery within my heart. I call out to open the door to no response. If I can't get a response, then who can?

A Simple Reverie (I Thank My God...)

2011-02-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

My mind reminisces of a time not so far away
A reverie invades my waking conscious
And my heart turns inside my chest
As my soul cries aloud, my eyes quietly pour
And my heart breaks just a little more

This reverie is much more than pleasantries
A reminder of the path I have traveled
and the rocks I have had to climb
But seldom have I climbed alone
And those reveries fill my soul

I see the ghosts of a life since passed
I cry the tears of a grateful man
I visit those familiar scenes we shared
And although they make my heart blue
I thank my God every time I remember you

I close my damp eyes upon a song
A song of laughter, a song of joy
The song sung by a joyful heart,
A heart that has meant many of its' kind
Now sung to a lonely mind

A slide show of the moments that grasped my heart
A video of the laughs and the tears
A beautiful silhouette of moonlit walks
The music plays loud in the background
And my soul leaps at the love I had found

The places we went and things we saw
The many wonders our eyes beheld
Are nothing without your presence
A lonely night, a starless sky
You were the ones who lit up my life

So as I sit here now in perfect hindsight
I see how much you should have meant
I see how poorly I lived with stars so bright
I wonder if you knew how much you meant
To a heart so easily bent...

As the reverie fades into the darkness of night
And I fall into a peaceful sleep once again
I beg my subconscious to remember my reverie
So that, just for one long night,
You may be once again in my sight

I write this not to any one person
I write this not to garner pity or tears
I write this for one reason, and one reason only
No matter what it is that I may do,
I always thank my God for you...

And now I need to see just how much
Just how much people mean to me
The value in those who love me
And to love them recklessly, painfully
So that my heart once again knows joy fully

I pray that everyone may know by what I do
That I thank my God every time I remember you

Love Recklessly

2010-10-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

They walk
They run
From here
All the way to there
All the time being followed
But they don’t see
They only believe
They are the murderers
The alcoholics
The beaters
Bruisers
But nobody knows it
We only believe
The masks are thick and deep
They wear on their faces always
They are the hair stylists
The closet homosexual
The football player
The construction worker
The blue collar employee
The priest
But nobody cares
We just say we do
Their stomachs are full
But their hearts are empty
Minds are riddled with confusion
But hearts are full of holes
Can’t hold water
Can’t hold love
They are the broken
They are the narcissistic
They are the humble
They are the arrogant
They are you
They are me.
There is a severe famine in this world
There is a severe hunger in our souls
A rose, a garden
Misrepresent something so longed for
Aesthetic beauty fills the world around us
The flowers
The trees
The sun
The moon and stars
All a gift from someone
But science has disproved that
Made something beautiful…
Random…
Thus a famine for one thing that science lacks
A hunger for something that the media pretends to offer
We ask for love and are given romance
We ask for care and are given a rock
We ask for healing and are given a Band-Aid
All of it a longing for fulfillment
All of it a longing
A hunger
For that which makes us feel
Anything at all…
Love is in serious shortage
True, pure love is unequivocal
Real love is naïve and foolish
Real love is pain and hurt
Real love is a commodity
Real love means vulnerability
And in our world of success
Vulnerability is a no-no
How can we love if we don’t trust?
Recklessly trust
Recklessly love
They are the hurt
The pained
The broken down
They trust too much
They love too much
They are the peaceful
The loved
The joyful
They are you
They are me
Capable of something more
Capable of love
Incapable of nothing
Built in love
Built for love
Built for Him
Built to love recklessly…

The Truth Is

2010-10-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

Turn on your radio and put it on scan. Mark down how many songs are about love. I bet that 80% of the songs on the radio cover this common topic (the 20% being Christian music, which covers a different love and rap music talking about God knows what), in fact one may say that the world is obsessed with love. Love is barely even noticeable behind all of the make-up put on it today. Movies and music, games and behavior, goals and social lives: All are centered on love; but love has been reduced to romance. Everything seems to be centered on finding the “one and only”, or just having sex to make yourself feel good. That’s what it seems to be all about doesn’t it? The commercial world we dwell in tells us that everything is permissible, and good, as long as it makes you feel good. Love will make you feel good. Love will conquer all your heartache and messed up tendencies. Love will fill that longing, aching heart you have in your chest. Well, I guess they are one to something, but they got their forms of love all screwed up.
The truth is that I am so tired of living for that kind of love: The kind of love that will never be enough to fill; the kind of love that will end up giving just as much hardship as peace; the kind of love that is centered primarily on me. The kind of love that we see advertised is a feel good love, and a feel good love is not true love at all. A feel good love is a love that will always disappoint and will always come up short because, well, we don’t always feel good, do we? I have been in a few relationships, and have seen many more, and I can tell you that rarely does a relationship evolve past this mentality of “I love you because you love me”. I have seen people give their hearts into relationships just to realize that the other person never loved them. I have been in a relationship centered on feeling good, and, although it was a great experience, it just was missing a certain something. Love is missing a lot of something, at least the love I am sold on TV and in Music.
“I’m so tired
Of livin’ for
The kind of love
That only comes and goes”
The truth is that I am tired of love and how it is thrown in my face everywhere. You go to a family get-together and they all ask you why you don’t have a girlfriend. You go to work and the people wonder when you’ll get married. You go to church and you see things like singles groups trying to hook you up. You go to a bar and you expect to hit on a girl. It’s everywhere. The opposite sex is the most important thing in this world to a high majority of people in the West, but what happens when you find that special person? What happens when, 2 years into your marriage, you stop feeling good and happy when your wife spends too much money? What happens when you lose everything banking on marriage you thought would last forever?
The truth is that I am tired of false love and its promotion by damn near everyone. A great man once said “This is true love: if a man is willing to die for his friend”. When was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for someone else, and not to feel good about it or make amends, but just because they needed it. True love is as rare as an eclipse in a world searching endlessly to find it. Instead, we get wedding chapels in Vegas and a divorce rate over 50%. Where the heck did we get so far off course from what it meant? Well, the truth is that love has always been something of highest importance, and that it has always been sought fiercely. I have a feeling that this wandering is nothing new, just like most things.
I am so tired of living for this love, but my heart is still aching for a romance. Where shall I find solace from the whispers of my heart in a world that doesn’t know anything of real love? The arms I run into are getting harder to find, yet I search none-the-less. Precious Lord, abide with me.

Flashbacks: Final Announced Update on September 13, 2010

2010-09-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

As I sat in the van, driving to the airport an intense mix of emotions was flowing over my mind. On one hand, I had wanted to leave the Ship for a while, and on the other hand, I was already missing those whom I had said goodbye to. That mix of emotion continued through the flying to Barcelona, the long day in Paris (worst airport ever!) and my time with a friend outside of Atlanta. Now I sit where I started, but I sit a different person, with a redeemed soul, and a semblance of passion in my soul. As I look over the OM USA base, it remains the same, yet I am not the same. I have been touched by the lives that have come into my heart; a heart that has been ripped to shreds again and again. I sit here shy in the wonder of guy, and fearful of time passing my by, going much faster than I am. Tears fill my heart as I look upon the last two years on the Logos Hope, and I can truly say that I enjoyed it, no matter how much I wanted to leave at points.
The OM USA office is a place of wonderful solitude. Set in the backwoods town of Tyrone, Georgia, it sits outside of metro-Atlanta by a number of miles. The property is surrounded by woods, and the housing is high class as far as I can tell. It’s very quiet and reflective here, and it is easy for me to get caught up in my emotions. I see things that remind me of the start of my journey, places that I first met people I would grow far closer to, and my mind goes on a train seeing before my minds-eye the events of a long two years; the arrival in Denmark, PST, all the way to recent Africa. The events are the paper on which my story has been written, and the people are the words which make up this story. The ship has put so many wonderful people in my way, so many I will never see again. It breaks my heart to think of those who laughed with me, challenged me, loved me regardless of my many imperfections, and just spent time with me. I look back and see how lucky I was to spend time with people such as these. I look ahead and see the moments I need to cherish with those who are real.
I will spend the next few days saying goodbye to the Ship in my heart and preparing to move on to the next adventure in my life. I will go through processing talks with a mentor, and reflect on everything, preparing my heart to be steadfast in the face of temptation. The next days will be spent remembering how I have been blessed by so many people in my life, so many wonderful people, not just on the Ship, but in Michigan as well. I will never forget any heart that has made a true connection to mine, and I thank God that so many hearts cared. I will miss you, friends abroad, and I already do…

The Last…: Update on September 6, 2010

2010-09-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been a strange mix of emotions for me. This will be my last blog written on board the Logos Hope, and it is a strange feeling to think that. There have been many lasts lately, and emotionally, I am somewhat at a loss. I don’t really know how to feel, since I am leaving so many awesome people and such a unique and cool opportunity and ministry, yet Michigan holds its share of wonderful people and opportunities, plus I am coming in with some new ideas, ideals, values, and passions. The past two years have been fantastic and incredibly challenging. I have changed a lot after getting on my own and discovering the world, and I pray I continue to change.
Two weeks ago, we said goodbye not only to the country of Liberia, but, for me, the continent of Africa as a whole. Africa was a blessing to me, even though it was the hardest place I have ever been. I have never been more challenged to see past my own stereotypes and prejudices, often failing to see the touch of God in every face that wanted something from me. I fell desperately short of treating the Africans how I would like to be treated, and was often cold and rude, yet I feel like the chances I had to get to know some, we both felt loved, especially with the kids. African kids are awesome, never doubt that.
So as we sailed from that place, I did my last week of sea watch on the bridge of the place I have called home the past two years. I steered a lot due to a broken Gyro Compass, and had a good time with a close friend on the watch. God blessed me with the week of peace on the open sea; one last week of sailing.
Upon arrival, the mix of emotions really took hold of my heart. This (Las Palmas, Canary Islands, Spain) was the last port I would ever sail into. My heart was so confused with joy, excitement and sadness. That was wiped away when I went to the beach straight after my work. The next three days were very busy with trips to the beach, and some more lasts for me. Friday was my last day of work in the I-Café and was a good day, but stressful due to a massive language barrier (they speak Spanish here). The next day was something incredibly unique for me, and was amazing, yet tiring. We had a concert-type event outside of the ship. It was a plaza outside in the middle of town, and for an audience of almost 1,000 people. Setting up took all morning, but was all worth it when the event got underway. We displayed all the different cultures on the ship, and I did one of the best Swing Dance performances I have done to date (I hope to get a video before I leave) for the huge audience. We challenged the attendants to look elsewhere for peace and joy at the end, and some had conversations.
Yesterday (Sunday), was my last day of significance on the Ship. By that I mean that I have off until I leave. Yesterday, we had a family program on board which was a lot like a school carnival in the States. 850 people attended the program, and I sold snacks to many of them, and did my last swing dance performance, maybe ever! It was crazy.
Last night, KC from Canada along with two others started the leaving train that includes me. They left at 2 in the morning, and yet again the strange feelings encompassed me. I don’t know how to describe it, as I wasn’t crying or sorrowful, yet I was sad. I will miss the friends I have made dearly, and already do miss many of the ones I have said goodbye to. The ship forces goodbyes so much, and it has been a heavy burden that will only be heavier in four days’ time.

Sleepless Nights: Update from August 19, 2010

2010-09-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have been writing a lot about children lately; how my time with them affects me, how they love, and other random thoughts. I have always known that I want to have my own someday, and raising a family is one of my dreams, but this past weekend put that dream closer to reality. I was on a team staying the night at an orphanage for kids who have been abandoned which also served as a refuge for mothers who have been abandoned which was a good hour drive outside of Monrovia, Liberia. There were around 15 kids that lived there ranging from infants to 12 years old, around 5 severely, mentally handicapped and there was one mother with triplets who had been abandoned.
It was a crazy place that, to be honest, I was not quite ready for it, mentally. As we arrived, the kids were shy and were made to sing us a welcome song. The place we were to spend the next 48 hours in was nicer than I thought it would be, at first. As you got to know it, it became less enamoring, but the hearts that the place housed became all the more wonderful. It was a simple building painted something like a school out of the 80’s or early 90’s with the bland yellow color and an ugly maroon shade occupying the walls. There was a TV there which was used every night when the generator was turned on, around 7 or 8 pm. One experience was the Liberian movies, which were like a bad High School drama production. We brought along a Veggie Tales movie to play for the kids, but I am not sure that they quite understood it fully, as a lot of the humor is very American. They liked watching it because they could tell it was well done though. The first night was occupied with dinner and getting to know the kids a little bit and a movie.
The next day was Sunday, and we had prepared a program for the kids for some point in that day. After a hot, restless night, I woke up to babies crying, which I would find out consistent ambience all throughout our two days at the place. As the day progressed and we played with the children, the Sunday “service” was called. We did our thing, or parts of it, and finished. The day continued and, as the team ran out of energy, the playing fizzled into naps and reading with the kids. That night, we got the front seat to another African movie, which was awful. Then we went to sleep, or at least I tried to.
The second night was worse than the first as it was just as hot, and I was too tired to sleep well. The bed I was on (we were very blessed to even have beds) gave me the impression that I was being invaded by a legion of bugs that wanted my flesh. I couldn’t sleep. The next morning I was grumpy, but the kids were not. They wanted to play, which is about all I could squeeze out of my energy.
Details aside, the trip was awesome, and the most touching parts were the attachment built by the kids to us, and to see how they appreciated us giving them attention. To see at least some of their needs met, not only by the things passed out, but also by the attention we gave them; especially the two of us men. God used us even though we were broke, even though we ran out of energy half way through and could no longer play with them that much.
As we prepared to leave, all the kids started to cry, which cut to my heart. I was too tired to cry, but my heart went out to those which I had developed a strong bond with. They were beautiful.

Sleepless Nights: Update on August 19, 2010

2010-08-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have been writing a lot about children lately; how my time with them affects me, how they love, and other random thoughts. I have always known that I want to have my own someday, and raising a family is one of my dreams, but this past weekend put that dream closer to reality. I was on a team staying the night at an orphanage for kids who have been abandoned which also served as a refuge for mothers who have been abandoned which was a good hour drive outside of Monrovia, Liberia. There were around 15 kids that lived there ranging from infants to 12 years old, around 5 severely, mentally handicapped and there was one mother with triplets who had been abandoned.

It was a crazy place that, to be honest, I was not quite ready for it, mentally. As we arrived, the kids were shy and were made to sing us a welcome song. The place we were to spend the next 48 hours in was nicer than I thought it would be, at first. As you got to know it, it became less enamoring, but the hearts that the place housed became all the more wonderful. It was a simple building painted something like a school out of the 80’s or early 90’s with the bland yellow color and an ugly maroon shade occupying the walls. There was a TV there which was used every night when the generator was turned on, around 7 or 8 pm. One experience was the Liberian movies, which were like a bad High School drama production. We brought along a Veggie Tales movie to play for the kids, but I am not sure that they quite understood it fully, as a lot of the humor is very American. They liked watching it because they could tell it was well done though. The first night was occupied with dinner and getting to know the kids a little bit and a movie.

The next day was Sunday, and we had prepared a program for the kids for some point in that day. After a hot, restless night, I woke up to babies crying, which I would find out consistent ambience all throughout our two days at the place. As the day progressed and we played with the children, the Sunday “service” was called. We did our thing, or parts of it, and finished. The day continued and, as the team ran out of energy, the playing fizzled into naps and reading with the kids. That night, we got the front seat to another African movie, which was awful. Then we went to sleep, or at least I tried to.

The second night was worse than the first as it was just as hot, and I was too tired to sleep well. The bed I was on (we were very blessed to even have beds) gave me the impression that I was being invaded by a legion of bugs that wanted my flesh. I couldn’t sleep. The next morning I was grumpy, but the kids were not. They wanted to play, which is about all I could squeeze out of my energy.

Details aside, the trip was awesome, and the most touching parts were the attachment built by the kids to us, and to see how they appreciated us giving them attention. To see at least some of their needs met, not only by the things passed out, but also by the attention we gave them; especially the two of us men. God used us even though we were broke, even though we ran out of energy half way through and could no longer play with them that much.

As we prepared to leave, all the kids started to cry, which cut to my heart. I was too tired to cry, but my heart went out to those which I had developed a strong bond with. They were beautiful.

Paralyzed: Update On August 11, 2010

2010-08-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

We are now in Liberia!

It was my birthday yesterday, and what a unique birthday it was! After some down time in the morning, I was to go to a home for disabled people, most of whom are suffering from Polio. We were told that the home was composed mostly of children, so we prepared a simple program for the kids the day before.

The five of us headed out to the road to try and get a taxi after receiving somewhat vague directions. We could not get a taxi to pick us up so our group split into two, and the first group of two got picked up quickly, while the group of three that I was in had to watch as yellow Toyota after yellow Toyota passed us. We were once picked up but told that the fee was more than we were told to pay and had to leave. After about 45 minutes, some locals came and helped us flag down a car who let us pay the right fee only because we were Christians. Thank God for that.

When we arrived, we were shocked: there was one child in the home. The home was holding a service with us as the guests of honor; the pastors. So we prayed and then entered the home as the residents were singing worship songs Africa style, not quite knowing what we were going to do exactly. We did our program-minus a few silly songs-and the people seemed to like it plenty, but what happened after was the memorable part for me.

We split into groups to have prayer time. In my group was one of the leaders of the home, who asked me to explain the Ship more, so I told her that the true goal is to love people no matter what their circumstances. So I asked them how I could love and pray for them. They went around in the circle and gave me points of prayer including peace, joy, staying out of trouble, long life, and steadfastness (I had to bite my tongue every time I heard them ask for “prosperity”). I prayed for the points I remembered, but I felt a strange feeling of unworthiness deep down. I don’t know why, but I felt like they had more to offer than I did, even though many were in wheelchairs.

I am not worthy to be God’s servant, but here I am, praying for handicapped people in Africa, telling them about a love I have yet to fully understand. In my opinion I should have never been allowed to come here, due to a hard heart and an almost nonexistent faith.

I guess it is good that God’s opinion is not mine.

2010-07-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe what was running through my heart at a school in a lonely town in Takoradi, Ghana a few hours ago. I was on a team of around 8 that were to go to a school for special needs children. I won’t lie, I have been struggling mightily as of late with a lot of issues, mainly of my own heart, and I wasn’t really ready to go to this special education school, but it was certainly ready for us. When we pulled in to the compound, one of the kids was running with the bus screaming in excitement. As we walked out a few of the brave souls came to shake our hands and try to get the football (soccer ball) we had. The sheer delight of seeing new faces that were coming for them was exhilarating, and it broke my heart then as it does as I recollect our story. I held back the tears of sorrow and pity because I wanted them to know that I felt no better than them.

So we did our program for the kids, and they ate it up. I honestly don’t know how well they understood the symbolism of the play, or the literal lyrics of the songs we sang, or if they’ll ever be able to read the booklet we handed out, but I can truly say that they loved us. Maybe it was because of how we made them feel, or maybe it is because the world is innocent to their eyes, but I’ll get to the philosophic part later. After the program, we just spent time with these kids, these people. They were severely special needs, and I usually don’t know how to act around them, until I realized a beautiful truth about their simplicity: they love whether or not you are cool, regardless of what you look like, and in spite of how selfish you can be. So I spent my time hugging them (my way of showing love), playing soccer, and dancing with the kids. As we started to leave, the tears of shame and pity again welled up in my heart as it was broken again, but not just because they have been dealt an unfair hand in life, but because these people that are made fun of and ridiculed have so much more love in their heart than I can dream of, especially lately.

I don’t think I could ever explain to them that I do care for them, not because I have to, but because they are so beautiful. I have never seen real love so genuine and quick, yet real. It is a shame that people prey on their mental inadequacy and miss out on the lesson to be learned from these people. They don’t know a thing about you, but if you make yourself available, many will love you. Love is tossed around in a lot of shallow and humiliating ways today, but I feel like these people, who survive on mere instinct, know what it actually is. They don’t have to understand the why of things as many of us do, they don’t have to know motivation; no, they just need to know you are there. Indeed, the discarded people of this world understand a piece of the meaning of joy, and the basic fundamental that our salvation has been built on. These lovely people taught me more by existing than they ever could have if they could quote any book. Love is so simple, yet so hard for us to do, but not for them.

Tunnel Vision

2010-07-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

Two years is a long time from many life perspectives. I have now been away from a life at home for one month short of two years. The same paradox that is involved with time often is in play here; it feels like I have been away for ages upon ages, yet it feels to have gone by so fast that I can barely keep up with the memories. My years on board have been a huge blessing to my spiritual life-maybe even the birth of a deep relationship with my creator-but I have been known to possess a very bad case of tunnel vision throughout my life. In High School, my senior year was a year of academic apathy and discord. The last months of that year (in which I had only 5 classes, 3 being gym related classes) were full of figuring out ways of not getting in trouble and being with my friends: I barely picked up a book that whole year.

Now, 5 years after graduating High School, the same feeling of readiness, even eagerness and need, for change occupy a large part of my living consciousness. As I have said before, the Ship has helped save me from a live of potential immorality, and I feel I owe a huge debt to it for that, but I am ready to finish. The ministry here is certainly unique, and I fear I don’t exactly fit the mold of what they want, nor am I willing to conform into anything but what I am. The ship is amazing in the fact that it can isolate people by bringing them on board something very few get a chance to experience, into a seriously Christian environment. People on board take Christ seriously-although the weakness can be glaring at times, especially in my own life- and many people don’t get to see any form of truly authentic relationship with Christ. When one comes here, they have a good chance of being engaged by an evangelist, of which is almost never me. That is where I don’t generally fit in well, not only because I lack the social confidence that many here display, but also because I refuse to accept that the gospel can be displayed fully through sales pitches, phrases, catchy tracts, or anything of that sort of matter; it needs a relationship to be completely relevant. This is said not in an offensive stance toward evangelical tactics and practices, but as a cause for reflection. Sometimes, evangelism can be shallow and not actually loving (often the “brimstone and fire” approach stirs these feelings most), but as Paul said, it only matters that the gospel is preached, even when selfish intentions are used, as long as it is true. I fail to let myself be vulnerable, and have respect for those who can initiate relationship quickly, as I tend to take time to let my heart be opened (ask Tawny).

The conclusion I aim for is to convey that I am ready to leave the place I have called home the past two years: I am ready for what is next. The reasons for this can be simplified by saying that I am not a people-person in a place that is full of people. Everywhere you go, anything you do, you can’t get away from people for long. This state of affair is severely draining on my mental life. In fact, I feel like I would like to be alone for a while year, even though I know I would eventually get lonely; well, maybe. Apart from that, I have a relatively clear idea of where I would like go to, which involves attempting to write, learning to draw, getting a job, and heading to Nepal in September 2011. That is what I would like, but where God will send me I have no idea, which I am perfectly fine with. Please pray for strength to endure this mentally trying time, and to learn whatever lesson God is presenting me with.

Love Stretches Hands From Shore to Shore: Update on June 25, 2010

2010-06-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

Africa is amazing. I have experienced Africa first-hand, residing among the culture for a week. We arrived in Sierra Leone a day before I was meant to go on a challenge team. I was excited for the team since it was my first real chance to get out for an extended time to live in the culture we were docked in. My excitement was not for naught, as the 5 days spent in Hastings, Sierra Leone have been some of my best days in the past two years.

The team was made up of 8 people from the Ship and a leader who regularly comes to lead ship training (such as PST and BST). We were sent to work on building a school in a predominately Muslim area (we were told there were no Christian schools in the area, but we found a rather large one). When we arrived after a day of preparation, the foundation was already poured, even though by western standards it was rather questionable. When we arrived and unloaded our things, we started to carry the blocks that needed to be laid for the foundation. The hired workers (there were 13 the first day) let us do some masonry, but for the most part we just carried things. I am used to this, of course, and enjoyed it. The next four days were spent filling the foundation in with dirt, and expecting things to show up that never did, such as wood, more soil, work, and workers, but God did a wonderful thing to the whole team.

In Africa, a work project is rarely done alone, especially when it involves white people. The place we were staying and building was kind of a day home for many kids that don’t often feel loved, and the kids latched onto us. The first day, a whole band of them appeared to help with the work and to touch and hang on the white folk. The band was mostly male, and consisted of around 10-15 kids. All of them were beautiful. They made the week amazing, with their unhindered love, unashamed antics, and trusting hearts. Throughout the week, they would come and say, in Creole, “Jim Me”, which was to throw them. Once one was thrown, all of them wanted to be thrown. If I had the energy I would do that, but when I didn’t, they were content to karate fight, chase me, check out our belly buttons, or just hug. They would climb on us while we were training with our leader, and try to help us work. They were beautiful.

The workers and family we stayed with were also a huge blessing. A lot of the guys on the team made friends with some of the workers, myself included, and fearlessly told them why we do what we do, and who leads us. A bunch of the guys got Bibles from us, and we prayed with some. We told stories of our lives, and heard some insane stories from theirs. The pastor (Immanuel) shared his story of his escape from a village that practiced child sacrifice into a deadly sickness that nearly killed him multiple times into a salvation that has brought about health. The pastor’s wife and family cooked and served us like kings, feeding us interesting food consisting mostly of fish. It was awesome. We also experienced a cultic burial from afar in which the head of the deceased is severed and saved to be put on the son’s body. The participants wore full red robes, or full white robes, as a few danced in tribal African fashion, wearing strange things. It was strange. The spirit world is still very respected and feared in this part of the world, away from technology and the things that take our fears away. They live face to face with the spiritual every day, while we make it spooky and intriguing; they battle the forces of Satan face to face as we stand under the coup of materialism. The world is a big place. T

The best part of the whole experience was that of relationship. As I stood outside watching lightning strike around us in a drizzle, holding Hassan (one of the boys), I told him in English “Never forget that Jesus loves you dearly.” He didn’t understand, but I pray his heart felt my heart, and that my heart displayed nothing but Christ. Relationships were built on a deep level in just a week, not only with those we worked with and for, but also with each other. I think Missions is something I would like to do in the future, and I know that God can even use me.

Awake, O Heart, Repine No More!: Update on June 13, 2010

2010-06-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

We near Africa; the newest chapter of my life is beginning. My second sail across the Atlantic has been nice but has fallen short of the expectations laid by the last sail. I have had some rest, and some time to recharge, had time to spend with friends, time to watch movies, but most importantly, time with God. We stopped to bunker fuel on the farthest reaches of Africa, called Cape Verde, which is a country of small islands that used to belong to Portugal. I was able to go off the Ship for the first time in ten days and go swimming and enjoy the island cuisine for lunch. The Island itself was something like Europe mixed with North Africa, and the people were the same. It was the first place I have been in ages in which English is not widely known or recognized, maybe even since Europe. It was a good day, spending time with friends away from our Ship for a short break, and it was likely the last day I will ever spend in the Deck department again (I have been working with them while sailing). But the next day’s events swallowed up the fun.
The next day (Friday) was our prayer day, and I had decided to have a date with my Savior. I woke up at sunrise (after only 4 hours of sleep) to try and start off right, as a time of rejoicing and thanking God for the things he has given me. This is what I wrote, and part of what I prayed, at that time:
Each new day is a tapestry of grace
Of how you snatched me from the fire
Of how I can never soil your love for me
Every passing breath is a testimony of love
A righteous God loving an unrighteous person
Imperfection being made beautiful
Every mistake is a reason to flee to you
Yet I find myself leading myself
And you still have love for me
I don’t understand your insurmountable grace
When I hear your voice, see your face
I’m surprised at what I behold
From one so perfect, so absolutely holy,
There should be wrath, or sheer justice
But I feel no oppression of fate
Only a freedom I don’t deserve
A freedom full of a passionate love
A passion I shall never grasp
A heart my heart shall never get
Why are You so good to me, oh Lord?!
Yet I take your goodness and throw it away
Abusing something so utterly ridiculous
Turning a glorious sunset into a deep night
But every time, in the end, You draw forth a glorious light
And:
A brush stroke on a blue-gray sky
A slow turning of tides
Lighter blue and lighter still
Every minute the lighter it gets
Waiting to burst forth in beautiful hue
Impending glory awaits your call
For you control the beautiful things of this world
Yet we live free to choose our path
How can you put up with us?
Our sins multiply our stench and filth
Yet your heart aches at the falling of one
A pain I could never possibly know
Your hand creates things for a fallen race
Who give no thanks; no appreciation
So Lord, take my small measure of thanks
And multiply it into billions
Take my broken soul and body
And use them for your glory
I squander the resource of love
And make myself a fool
I need You so much
Come and fill me up
Come and fill my cup
Then I went back to sleep.
When I awoke, I went back to the top of the ship to find a place to be with God alone, and found my spot for the day. There on the ledge, after getting the sleep out of me, I started to repent. I started with the small things, then kept finding things that I screw up with; not living up to my calling, not loving everyone, being afraid of rejection, not rebuking those who are clearly outside of scripture, want, discontent, masks, a past of mistakes, and most of all, apathy. I repented for hours, weeping for the first time in a long time. Crying out to God for forgiveness and for change, reaching inside myself to draw up dormant things most wouldn’t consider sin, finding things that hinder me so much, things that block my relationship with God (I consider those sins just as deadly, if not more lethal, than the major vices). As I listened to Derek Webb’s song “We come to you”, which is mostly instrumental, I came to God’s feet, asking for love, and love I received. I don’t know if you have felt the freedom and peace after a time of true repentance, but it is a feeling unlike any other I have experienced, and I recommend trying it. This is what welled up in my heart at that time:
Father,
You have convicted me of my sins
They multiply with each step I take
Forgive me of my misuse of love
Turning something so beautiful and free
Into something to be earned
Forgive me of my pride
Making a false sense of humility to
Cover the tracks of an obstinate heart
To veil the pain held in my mind
The pain of loving myself more
More than anyone I met
More than You…
Father, I am so sinful, so wrong
Forgive me; deliver me, Oh Lord!
Tears fall upon cold steel
As grace falls upon a cold heart
I need your grace, your precious grace
I need your presence, yet I’ve denied it
For so long using my own strength
To lift rocks while I should be moving mountains
Forgive me for doubting everything
I fall victim to the mentality of our age
“Man over God; Do it yourself
Live for you; Follow your heart!”
How self-centered is my thinking!
Father, forgive me. I need You.
I need you presence to sustain
All you have given me
I need your power to change
All darkness living in me
I need your heart to love
Those I don’t even like
I need you grace to soar above
The mistakes I put in my path
But most of all, I need you.
I also wrote this:
A desolate desert full of sand
A drop of water
Redemption has found me once again
How refreshing it is!
You found me in my most vulnerable hour
Turned me upside down
Emptied the pockets of my heart
Of the sin within
Oh! How beautiful the rising sun
Over this dreary heart!
Oh! How glorious your peace!
Bringing a smile to my face
Bringing solace to my troubled heart
In broken places
You are the fix
You are my cure, my remedy
How beautiful is the chorus!
How wonderful a sound
That sings of my forgiveness!
After this, I decided to go and pray for Africa (what we were doing that day) in the lower decks. I never understood how many countries have problems with stealing humans to use in everything from children soldiers to sexual exploits to slaves. People have little value in this place I am going, and I never understood what that means. It is so sad that we live so individually free, and they are oppressed by such things as war and slavery. We sit on our buts watching TV, thinking money is the answer, when they need so much more. They need love, they need peace, and they need education. Money will not solve much in the end as it is such an exhaustible resource. How little I can do, but how much God can do struck a chord in my mind, and as I prayed for these countries and the continent, I prayed with true words, but also with some form of determination to love people here, as my main objective. After this, I took a nap.
When I woke, I set out to have a final scheduled prayer time with God; a time of letting go. After finishing praying for my loved ones, I took to it to write again. This time I wrote my worries on a sheet of paper. I wrote my fears about my future and my fears of present. I wrote the situations close to my heart that take some of my mental health. I talked to God explaining what it was that I was worried about, and apologized for my unbelief. I looked at my list, 4 pages long, and realized that I worry way too much. I prayed for release from the worry, release from fear. I tore my papers up and cast them into the wind (which led the scraps onto the very deck I was, alas!). I felt somewhat at ease, and continued to read as the finished its course around my world. Here is what I wrote after the release (attempted, maybe) of my worry:
The fact of the matter is
Everywhere I’ve been
And everything I’ve done
You’ve held the reins
My future sits in front
A blurry blue-gray cloud
Waiting to be lit
By a liberating sun
So I cast my cares
Unto the corners of the earth
Take heart!
Fill up!
For you are my redeemed
Oh my soul, rejoice!
For you are FREE
Free to use your voice
Free to run
Free to cry
For your hand is held
All fear is being felled
After reading, I went to a prayer event with the ship, and had my first real human interaction of the day around 7:15 (which is awesome!). We prayed for various departments and for us and for Africa, after worshiping. What a day, a rare treat, praise the Lord.

You Are So Good To Me: End of the Caribbean Update on June 1st, 2010

2010-06-01T13:40:00.001-07:00

My friends, we draw from an infinitely deep well. As the time in the Caribbean on board the Logos Hope draws to an end, a new chapter is being readied. I am currently sailing across the Atlantic for the second time, which means I have a lot of time to reflect, and hopefully to rest. I will not lie; I have been exhausted, and have been having a hard time on board. I am ready to come home, but there are suspicions that God is not done molding me yet. So here I am, struggling to make it three more months until the next step, and looking back, unable to ignore the beauty of my past 10 months in the Caribbean. It has been a hard ten months, getting used to a culture so different than mine, but I suspect I have grown. God has been in work at me in discontent with my spiritual life, but finding a solution has proven evasive.
The Caribbean is a nice place, with billions of kids. The islands bear a lot of resemblance to each other with a few exceptions, but they are all naturally beautiful, with beaches and mountains and rainforests. Dominica probably dominated the area of natural beauty of all the Islands, as I had a chance to get out two weeks in a row on hikes to see waterfalls and large hills, absolutely amazing. The people are also as varying as the islands; they are quite similar. They talk the same (until you’ve been here for long), eat the same, and live similar. I must admit that the people were my biggest challenge (apart from the richer islands of Bermuda, Aruba, and the Bahamas) since they were quite overbearing and rude. It was hard for me, at times, to see the beauty of them in that they are quite patient (compared to us), caring, and blunt. I realized my need to be blunt working in the café and selling things, thus affecting my general demeanor.
From St. Vincent’s to Dominica, my journey has been a wild one, including a job change, a trip home, many frustrations, and popcorn. From playing basketball in a youth prison to a recent chance to go to another place where kids live away from their parents, I have hopefully been different from people’s expectations, and hopefully been a light. From David in St. Lucia, to Andry in Aruba, I now know a few people I try to keep in some touch with that I would never had met except for the Lord. Pray that I can shine so bright to these two! From the streets of Jamaica that now house so much violence (I know the place) to the beauty in Dominica the Lord has shown himself by his creation, but I didn’t need to come here to see it, maybe just to realize that everyone of us is gorgeous. There is a song by a band named Water deep called “Everyone’s Beautiful”, and it captures how we should feel, how I should feel. Christ’s calling wasn’t one of loving those who are easy to love, or loving those who love you, or helping people per say. No, our calling is much higher. We are called to love everyone, pray for our enemies, no matter how hard it is. It is easy to love those who make you feel good, but loving the murderers, the rapists, the kidnappers, the Muslims, the Hindus, the Mormons, our family, those who curse us, those who don’t think about us, and we even have to love ourselves. Our calling is far higher than I had beforehand realized, and it would be overwhelming, but I know the love we receive is far greater than the love we could ever give. Thank you God for sending me to the Caribbean, and I pray that you grew me in a specific way, and forgive my stubborn and obstinate heart. Thank you supporters for enabling me to see the world, and myself, in a whole new way, one I hope will teach me many things. Now on to Africa…

Perseverance: Update on March 21st, 2010

2010-05-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

The ship currently is sitting in the last port of the Caribbean tour we have been in for 10 months, and we are getting ready to sail across the Atlantic yet again (my second time) to West Africa. The Caribbean has been quite hard and trying, and much different than anything I have seen. I will not lie, the last few weeks have been a tremendous challenge for me for a few different reasons, and the Sabbath days we are having (today is the last one) have helped a lot. The port we are in is an amazing place to take a break, with the town a 20 minute walk, and nature surrounding. We are in Rousseau, Dominica, and I have done a lot more here than in the past two ports in terms of getting out. I have forded a river for a few hours, participated in a scavenger hunt, and played in a soccer tournament. The sessions we have had were a blessing. They were about our “nets”, which is symbolic for our ministry, and how they catch and tear, and need mending. I was very encouraged to love those around me no matter how much I don’t want to, and to focus on God more than myself when it comes to ministry.
I had been struggling with something that I have struggled with a lot in my short life; complacency. I get tired of routine, and have a deep need for change often. I don’t like to feel like I am not growing, or moving forward, or wasting time. Life is precious, and time is life, thus feeling like I am wasting time is detrimental to my attitude. I wanted to come home early to try and work on my next steps, and be with my family. I have been taught a difficult lesson the past few days, and been made to realize I lack a key thing I need; perseverance. I have never been good at persevering in my life, and have somewhat of a quitter’s mentality. Maybe it is my stubborn mind, but it has been hard to stay on board the past weeks, and I think God made it perfectly clear that this is the adversity I need to deal with, more than outside persecution; I need to win in the field of my mind. I need to choose to move on, even when I don’t want to be here. I need prayer, and am so weak, but I will finish.

What Could Be Next: Update on May 7, 2010

2010-05-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

My sister’s lone comment on my last blog made me realize that I haven’t explained my situation very well and, through writing, maybe I can think it through properly, and logically. I am currently three ports away from departing to West Africa, which is at the end of the month. This means I will cross the Atlantic for the second time, and visit my fourth continent since coming here 20 months ago. We are currently in Antigua, and it is very busy on board. The crowds downstairs remind me a bit of Jamaica, and the island itself is a lot like most Caribbean Islands. I had the chance to play basketball today against a team who beat us really bad, but that is ok. I still had the chance to give out bibles (disguised as sports magazines) to a bunch of people, and we all know God certainly can use that.

I have four months left here before I come back to Michigan and have to choose a path. One path I could pursue would be to try and get a literary agent to get my material out there, after I write it, while working a normal job. Another path I have pondered is that of education in the name of English, Literature, and/or Creative Writing. I don’t really want to go to school, but it may be a necessary evil in the overeducated, competative world of literature. I would really love to attend a University in Edinburgh, Scotland for a year or so though, which I would do joyfully. The last route, and most intriguing, route is that of continued missions. I would like to go to Nepal for a year to do a trekking ministry, and also write about the stories I see with my group. The need is there, and my desire is too, but things need to fall into place. There is still no girl in the equation, which could affect the decision, and I will enjoy my freedom until God places my other half in my life (and hopefully after).

I am excited to come home and start the next adventure, but the friends I have made will be dearly missed. The next path is a slightly less blurred one than it was 20 months ago, and I thank God for that, so now I have to take the right steps, and most importantly, keep growing. Thanks to all of you who support me in this mission; I honestly don’t know where I’d be if I had not come here. I may be in some career I don’t want to be in, or jail, or stuck in the party routine of debauchery; I don’t know, but thanks for helping enable me to see God in His glory, and to come near to him in my time of deepest need.

Wisdom: Update On April 26th, 2010

2010-04-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

We leave Bermuda in 2 hours and sail to Antigua. I love sailing, it always provides time alone and time to rest. Not that I need much rest after Bermuda, since it was ridiculously slow, but I always appreciate rest. During the sail I will work in two different departments, the galley and as an Angel. Angels clean the whole ship, so we’ll see how I do waking up at 6 a.m. and all. Bermuda was nice; I took the last break of my time on the ship, which was a whole lot of nothing, honestly. I got to be with friends, which is always a blessing. The rest of Bermuda was nice, and the people are pretty nice. There is a strong Christian fellowship here, and the guys involved are amazing guys. I spent a few hours with some guys who go to prison nearly every day because a pipe was broke and we couldn’t meet with the prisoners. There is something about older Christian guys that makes me enjoy being around them, something about the wisdom that comes with mistakes, and the joy that comes through pain and perseverance that makes me want to learn from them. I think with guys like these the biggest thing that these guys possess, often, is true humility. I heard a quote once that was something like “The humble man only hears he is humble, but never believes it”. Humility is a life-long struggle for mankind, one that is a dangerous path, due to false humility tearing apart our true hearts and rooting all we do in pride. I am realizing how prideful I truly am with every new day that offers it’s challenges. I am in deep with pride, and am struggling to rid myself of it, which, I think, is what Christ talked about when he said “…and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me”. Pride is a root of evil, maybe the root of evil even.

A Beast: Update on April 17th, 2009

2010-04-17T13:54:00.001-07:00

I sit looking over a sea as blue as the sky, which trees rustling with the wind, and big houses decorating the uneven land. Currently, I am on my last break of the time spent with the ship in Bermuda. It is beautiful here, there is little doubt about that. The city of Hamilton, where the Ship is staying, is a monument to the god of wealth. The buildings are a nice site to behold, but it certainly feels like something is missing. The people are friendly and will talk to you and help you, but it feels superficial. This is Bermuda; this is the world in a nutshell; this is the trap of discontentment.
As I said, the place is beautiful, and I am more than blessed to be able to take a break here, but there is something not quite right. Not in the buildings, not in the people even, but in the culture. The people here have anything they can desire, yet it is never enough. It is not just here, but everywhere. We are all victims of the consumer age, yet we all play along so often. I cath myself thinking about the next thing to occupy my time; the next new pleasure. I find myself wanting more and more, never feeling completey satisfied with the new thing. My heart has been weighed, and been found wanting.
So here I sit, looking upon a glory man could never surpass with her will and power, wondering why I want more. Here I sit amongst people who love and care about me on a trip I could never have provided for myself, thinking about the next thing to keep mme happy. Here I sit hating the beast living inside of me, yet not knowing how to kill it. The beast lives everywhere, attacking our impulses and insecurities to drives us into want. The beast breahthes it's flames, searing the contentment we can experience with our Saviour. The beast must be slayed. Jesus is all I need, there are no if's, and's, or but's to that, and I pray He makes that all the more obvious as I grow older and see more.

A Beast: Update on April 17th, 2009

2010-04-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Pain and A Challenge: Update on April 6, 2010

2010-04-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Bahamas is full of tourism; in fact, ther is no national export, they only provide entertainment for people with the money to come. There is wealth galore within the first roads, starting at the beach, and there are people throwing around money. One can stay in a local hotel called the Atlantis (where Oprah stays) for up to $30,000 a night, and many people stay here. The ferry to an island across the sound is around $25 and thousands of people make the trip. Somebody is selling something at any time of the day, from conch shells to marijuana, you can find anything here. It is much like the US in that regard and in many other regards, such as their sports. I had the chance to go and play football with a local group of guys the past two Saturdays, and it has been a blast. I reminded me of being home on a perfect summer night.

Another thing that makes me think of home is on a quite different level. There are hundereds of kids in this town alone that are left on their own, by either irresponsible parenting or state mandates, much like home. In a small town maybe the size of Port Huron, there are a huge number of orphanages, abandoned kid's homes, and other child serivce providers. They are trying to help these kids, which is a good start.

The fact is that the main thing these kids want is attention and to be accepted by someone, anyone. I had the opportunity to go and present Christ to these kids, while trying to show them the love that he would have given them. I went to a hostile today where kids of any age come when social services so decides, and the kids were awesome. We did a program that presented the gospel clearer than we would be able to in America, and I can only pray that I loved them the way Jesus would have. I went to a place where kids are brought by parents who don't want them any more, and it nearly brings tears to my eyes trying to imagine the pain of that. We also did a short program and played with them as well. They really just want someone to listen, to touch, to hold them, and to know that they have worth. The teachers at the institution were all seemingly unhappy with their job which translates into them not treating the kids with love. This world is so messed up that these precious kids grow up thinking that they won't be loved. The fact is that sexs' allure will draw many who aren't ready for parenthood, which in turn means many kids will feel unloved, even at home.

So my challenge is this: show someone that life is beautiful. Step up (much like I need to do) to helping a kid on his way into a relationship with the One who will love him unconditionally, while you go out and love them too. these kids are precious to the Father, so shall we belittle their worth by being too busy to go out and care for them? I hope not, and I pray that even after the ship I can continue loving the kid's who feel meaningless.

The Hand Painting the Picture: Update on March 27th, 2010

2010-03-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my eyes are opened to what surrounds me
Sometimes I realize a dense presence overtaking
Not a lonely, dark presence but a mysterious peace
Sometimes, rarely, can I even respond to the painting
She convicts me of my apathy towards what I see
She charges me guilty of not loving my neighbor
And of believing that things far too complex to know
Are nothing but simple figures and numbers
But as the chilling air tingles down through my spine
Reaching the inmost parts of my darkened soul
It’s times like these that one feels more than sees
And at such a rare time one can see more than canvas
One can sense that what’s before him is more than a fixture
In times like these one sees the hand painting the picture.

That poem sums up the past four days of my life. We are now in the Bahamas, and it is something totally different than Jamaica. The place we are berthed is a harbor which can hold up to 14 different cruise ships, and is the port of registry of the largest cruise ship in the world, The Oasis of the Seas (I think). We saw that ship yesterday, and it was pretty ridiculous; the money we throw around for leisure is insane! Anyways this is a welcome change of pace, since we had over 130,000 people on board last port, including two days of over 7,000 people, and sold some 80,000 popcorns, and 50,000 ice creams, it was super busy. This port will be slow, and give time to think and rest a bit, while also presenting an opportunity to the emboldened ones of us to try and talk with whoever comes. Many people that come may be from the USA due to the time of year (spring break). I hope to be emboldened and to share my faith fearlessly.

Before the arrival, we sailed. For three days after leaving Jamaica, which was absolutely amazing. I made sure to take time to talk with God, which is always a rewarding choice. I spent much of those three days alone, and a good amount of time in prayer. I saw God’s hand on the vastness of the sea, which teems with life. This brought thoughts of humanity in my head, and how blessed we are to be created in his image, and how complicated the human body is. Things around us often seems simple, say a plant taking in sunlight for growth or walking, when in actuality they are immensely complex. I still don’t quite understand why the earth feels flat or how plants use sunlight to grow with water, or how a baby is formed in a womb. We know the science behind it, but it is hard to think of such enigmas as random. Anyways, the last night of sailing was our prayer night, which was a good one where we spent time worshiping as the sun went down. It is still crazy how 400 people from every background imaginable coerce to create a community of peace. It is only because we all fly His banner that this can happen, and I thank God I get to be a part of it, even if it is a mere breath.

The end of Jamaica was absolutely crazy. There were school kids piled upon school kids, and all of them ordered popcorn. We had 7,100 people on our last Saturday and 7,200 on the last Sunday. Those were Logos Hope records, and everyone wanted popcorn. My job was a bit hectic and frustrating, but the Lord guided me through well. I even had a chance to go back to the Trenchtown reading center I had mentioned in a prior post and see a lot of those kids again. Although it was more of the same, it still felt new. The kids remembered me, and I played with them and had a blast doing it. I only hoped they felt loved.

Still Jamaica… Update on March 13, 2010

2010-03-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

We have had one billion school kids come on board the ship in the past week. All of them have been saved from their sins and converted. Not really, but that’d be cool, huh. The truth is that working in the I-Café now means I do see loads of schools come and go and buy things every week day. The teachers and schools here are very different from ours. The teachers are very rude, and can still hit their kids. The kids can be anywhere from crazy, loud, and extremely rude to quiet and nice while ordering. The difference seems to depend largely on which school they are from. It makes me wonder what it would be like to have all the Port Huron or Detroit schools come on board, and how I’d feel about those kids. The kids here are hard to handle, and it is apparent they are short on love. I wish I could say I love them when they yell out of turn in the line trying to order, or when they try to cut everyone then give a nasty look when you tell them off, but I have failed many times to see the kingdom of heaven in these kids. It’s a shame that I don’t have time to love them all, if any, but that is the reality.
I went on a church team last Sunday to a church about an hour away in a town called Spanish Town. I gave my testimony (seems to be recurrent theme from me, eh?) at the early service, which started at 8, which meant we left at 6:50 or so. The church was full of people, even though it only seated around 50 or so, it was full regardless. Our group of five sat up on the stage with the band and pastors the whole time, which was a bit awkward, but alright in the end. The service was loud, as usual, and the actual music during worship was almost inaudible behind screams and general noise. That may have been due to the fact that there were tambourines for the congregation to use, and two ladies went nuts on them. The service was enjoyable, as our group presented a French version of Amazing Grace, a one man drama about total commitment to God, my testimony, and some book offers, after which they prayed for us.
After the service and a Sunday school, they proceeded to feed us rich in local delicacies which included this vegetable that is almost exactly like an egg in all aspects, some awesome fish, and some roll type deals that were delicious. We even tried some Jamaican Apple Juice, which is basically spicy apple juice. The first drinks were rough, but it got better the more you drink it. Apparently, they put ginger in almost everything they make. During lunch, they proceeded to probe us about life on board and where we come from. The pastor was an amazing people person, even though age seemed to hit him rather hard, and it was a joy to talk to him. Another guy that stuck around the whole time was “not fully committed, but was on the way”, which was left open for interpretation on our part. At the end of the meal the pastor asked us to pray for his church and for this man who has yet to commit. We did, and then he drove us home.
The rest of my week has been filled with school kids and ultimate Frisbee, which has been good. I even played soccer again, and had a little bit of fun. As it is almost baseball season, and a new sense of longing for home has hit along with a deeper desire to see my family, since a little more of life is becoming unraveled this Wednesday. All I can do is pray.

A Child’s Heart: Update on March 4, 2010

2010-03-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

Jamaica has been a tough place on my psyche for some odd reason. I have felt a bit frustrated, mainly in Montego Bay, at the people. I switched out of deck into the I-café last week, and it has been a relaxing change, and a welcome one. The only problem is the manner in which people in Jamaica buy things. It seems to me that they feel it is something like a market, and all of them crowd around saying what they want. Usually the Good Lord gives me the strength to have patience in those times, and sometimes even laugh at the difference. I haven’t cracked yet, and have chosen to not be stressed by this. On top of all of those times we shifted and got jerked around in Montego Bay, I have had a relatively negative view of Jamaica.

Well, lately I have remembered one key principle from my travels and from the hand of God; people are people, everywhere. Although culture is a heavy influence at times, people are also victims of their past and this earth. People all have vices, all have love, and all are different, while being similar. God charges us to love people regardless of our preferences of those whom we understand. Christ charges the task of showing love in the face of evil, in hopes of them turning. Christ charges us to love like children even those who may harm us, because that is how he loved. He loved unhindered, and unbiased; true love. So few humans have given true love, while all of us have received, when we wake up, how ridiculous is grace?!

With that said, I had an amazing opportunity yesterday to go to a children’s reading center in one of the most troubled places in Kingston. The objective was vague as we were to go and just be with the kids. When we got there, we introduced ourselves (four of us) and one of the guys read David and Goliath from the bible, then the teachers told us to decide what to do next. When we mentioned soccer, all the kids went crazy (except a couple girls), so we went out to it. During the course of the game, new kids flooded the dirt field. The kids were in the ages from 3-14 and there were tons. All the really young kids hung around the goal posts chasing each other. Eventually I started playing with them as well as playing soccer. They would chase me around and I would throw them around. Eventually the older kids wanted to be thrown around, which I did because I’m a softy for kids. One kid told me “I wish you were my dad.” I didn’t really know how to respond. They loved me easily and unbridled. They trusted me with their lives to throw them. Even in the violent world they live in, these kids know how to love more than almost any adult could boast.

Good Things: Update on February 22, 2010

2010-02-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

Tourists are pretty stupid sometimes. Since leaving Montego Bay (and all the shifting) behind, we came to Kingston last Tuesday, and into a whole new world. The day we got in, we had to go to one berth and unload containers of books and food, and then had to shift to our actual berth at night. The berth we are in is a cement factory, but apparently they run on coal. Everywhere is filthy black. The moment you go outside you are basically dirty. The first opening day in port was on Ash Wednesday, which is a national holiday, so we had over 5000 visitors. I went around and sold popsicles to those who waited (sometimes 2-3 hours!) just to get on the ship. This will be a crazy port.
Back to the beginning, and why I claim that tourist don’t think sometimes. As a deck team we had a day to just enjoy our department and go to a waterfall about 2 hours from Kingston. This was a tourist place, though, as one could easily scale the waterfall. The place was beautiful, as a fresh water river flowed coldly into a warm sea. You could tell they had modified the original fall as it was ascended, but it was still a blast. Us deckies (not having money) refused to buy a tour guide and the special shoes they sell you. That was one of the smartest things we’ve ever done! The tour guides would take the simplest way, making everyone file into a line, holding hands, and holler a lot. They were really annoying and a complete rip off. The rock was also very smooth, and those shoes were not needed as well. We probably saved $40 each by being cheap.
One of the coolest things I have done in my time here was this weekend. I was sent on a team that went to a village about 2 hours away by car, and in the middle of nowhere, Jamaica. We were to stay overnight in the local “gun club” (which was just a place for rich foreigners to come and shoot stuff 6 weekends a year). We were greeted with a dinner of shrimp backed in a seriously spicy fashion. It beat all of us down, but was so good! The woman responsible to look after us was named Cherry, and was an absolute delight. We spent our fist hours there playing with a few of the kids from the village, then planning for the next day.
The next day, we were charged with helping the church. We really had no idea of what was expected of us, but we prepared plenty of things to do. After a breakfast of freshly caught fish, we headed to church, and it was far from what we expected. There was a congregation of about 15 people, mostly old ladies and their grandchildren. Everyone in the church held a position of leadership, and the “president” was a 14 year old kid. The worship team consisted of 2 girls, and one guy on an old keyboard. The sound system was archaic, stone age even. I think I saw one like it in the movie “The Pirates of the Silicon Valley”. The band was pretty terrible, mainly because the female pastor would take over, and it seemed like she thought loud was better than good, or even decent. I think the whole village was awoken by her singing. The service was all strictly ordered, and they announced the order as they went along the whole time. From the outside, it must have looked very legalistic and shallow.
It’s a good thing God searches the heart, and can see past all these. It is a good thing that these people were more genuine than anyone I have met in the Caribbean. It’s a good thing that God came for the poor and broken as well as us who live in luxury. It’s a good thing that love and money are very often inversely proportional. It’s a good thing God sent me to this traditional, strange church, to show me more faults within me.
I can say that we were loved. After the service we hung out with Cherry and her family for about 6 more hours, playing cricket, eating lunch, and playing with a bunch of the kids. I can only hope that we blessed them as much as they blessed us, even though they did things very strange.

Dawn

2010-02-11T05:26:00.000-08:00

Awake! O Heart, Arise!
I declare your slumber
Is cut short! Arise!
May Breath find its’ way
Into your hardened lungs
I command thee
Dust thou shall no more be

Beat with the fire
Of celestial passion
A flame not of
Terrestrial birth

I beseech thee, my son,
Take thine throne
Embrace the unknown
I declare it is time!
From your long slumber, Arise!

Arise to do precisely
What you were made to do
Do you see them, my son?
The shades,
The ghosts?
Pale, bitter, cold
Unmoving, and unceasing; no end
With no means to justify

Their existence is an insult
Do you see, my beloved?
See! I declare all shall see!
See their anguish, and approach
But not with craven fear
For fear is not in your function
Fear shall not hold you
Down into their sorrow depart
Deeper and deeper yet
All the way
To where they beget
The toil of endless pain
But you, my beautiful son,
Hold the key.

Awake! I declare, Arise!
For the time of slumber
Has burnt into embers!
You must behold Apollo’s light
You must do as I have made
The entire world is hinged upon it
It is not the strength of Atlas,
Nor the science behind the Axis
No, the bricks of this world,
And of glorious heav’n above,
Is naught but love!
Awake! My son, Arise!

Goodbye, Hello! An update on February 5th, 2010

2010-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Goodbye struck again as another close friend rode away in an airplane. Aaron joined with me a year and a half ago, and has now gone home to start on his college career. He left on the same day that about 20 others left. They left to make room for the new PST, which arrived on Wednesday. They arrived in the same exciting fashion that all PST’s arrive in. They were entered in the world of Ship’s life with a line of screaming crew members showing them which way to go. This is probably the last time I will bear witness to this exciting sight again, as my term ends before the next PST arrives in 6 months. My time has flown by!

My time in Montego Bay Jamaica has honestly been rather forgettable, except the groups of school kids I have witnessed coming to the ship that sometimes number up to 4000 in a day. I have not been involved much there, but the ship presents a program for the kids which has a clearly biblical calling to it. It is called “The Greatest Treasure” and it involves a drama about pirates, which I may still get involved in, some games and some more information about our ship. It must be an awesome field trip for these kids to go on, since I hear them yelling every so often while I try to sleep.

Sleeping has marked my time in Jamaica as well; and not necessarily by choice. We are in a port that harbors both cruise liners and cargo ships. On top of that, I am sure we received a discount on our berthing fees, which puts us on the bottom of the priority list. We have had to move berths almost every other day, and it has proved to be a lot of work. We can’t start until the ship is closed to public (around 10) and we finish up usually around 1 or 2 AM. The Deckies handle all the moving, and it has been a really taxing port on all of us.

On a good note, we met some local people that are a part of YWAM, and they invited us back “anytime” to go and play basketball with them, and on Sunday to watch the Super Bowl. I am very excited about that! I hope they are okay with me being really loud…

Goodbye Sucks: Update on December 22nd, 2010

2010-01-22T18:10:00.000-08:00

I am officially in Jamaica, and have yet to find a bob sled track (or team) anywhere! Who would have thought?! So since I am in Jamaica, it means I am not in Aruba, which means I can reminisce of one of the nicest ports we had, and one of the tougher things one has to come to deal with on the Logos Hope. Aruba was absolutely gorgeous. It had some pretty nice stuff too, like Taco bell, Wendy’s Little Caesars, and Quiznos, as well as easily my favorite beach in the Caribbean yet (still not quite Lake Huron in early August). It had loads of night life, geared for the tourists that come with the 2-4 new cruise ships every day. We obviously avoided all of that, unless on the way to Taco Bell or Starbucks, where one may get solicited for drugs, and obviously decline. One of my good friends even told the drug dealers “it’s not good for you, man” when asked if we wanted some ecstasy (a first for me). My wallet took a bit of a hit in Aruba, from all the nice stuff around.

Another thing that took a hit was my emotions. On the ship, one grows fairly cold to goodbyes, since every 3 months or so a bunch of people leave, and a bunch of new people join. Well, the time has come for the big changeover, with some 50 people leaving to do whatever they are called to, and around 110 people joining from the recently decommissioned Dulous and the new PST. What is so important about this one is that two of my best friends on board and, along with the Ogres, maybe ever are going their own way. My closest mate (since he was an Aussie, I will use mate) is gone. This has happened before when someone I have grown close to has left, but usually they are not too far from home for me (if within the US is considered close), and I know without a doubt I will see them again, but this is different. It was also different since this was the guy I told everything to, a deep connection on every level. We understood each other well, and got along like we were meant to. I already miss you Fitz!

So I got to do a hospital visit in Aruba too, and it was decent. We went into the center where people get their blood cleaned when they have Dialysis, which I had never before heard of. I met a guy who was a tour guide of the Island for some 40 years, and was currently retired. He was kind of falling asleep, and didn’t have direct answers for my questions really, but he was a nice bloke. Then I talked to a Hindu guy who owned a Hugo Bass store in town, he was really nice, but when questioned about faith said he believes in Jesus, but is a Hindu. Very typical Hindu answer, but I thought it would be folly to get into a religious debate in the middle of a hospital while he was getting his blood cleaned. I felt sort of bad for not standing up for Jesus, but one must pick their battles, or else we look like jerks. On the way home I had a decent chat to another lady on board too.

So now I am in Jamaica looking at the next stuff to do, probably some swing (forgot to mention that we did another event in Aruba where I had to transfer a black dot to two others to represent aids) since this port will be busy. We expect tons of people to come on board, so pray that we love each one of them, even those that seem impossible.

2010?!: Update on January 9, 2010

2010-01-09T08:24:00.001-08:00

The start of 2010 was somewhat similar to the start of 2009, with some key differences. The sense of reflection was the same, yet it seemed so different. When presented with a slideshow of where we have been in the past year, I was amazed. I have been to 17 different countries on three continents in the past year, how many people have done that in their life? I am blessed beyond reason and for no real reason except that I jumped at an opportunity that was presented me. One New Years Eve, we had the same set up as last year, but in an entirely different place. Carousal is a beautiful place; there is little doubt about that. Our time there was an experience that was mostly notable. Christmas and New Years were celebrated with swimming and enjoying the climate instead of trying to keep warm. The island also offered us two basketball games against a younger co-ed team. After the first game, we had a chance to share with them, and KC (from Canada) gave her testimony after I told them about the ship. Some conversations started, and they were welcome to take the bibles we took. We passed out all of them.
It is amazing how much life has changed in a year, and almost it’s crazy to think that five years ago I was a senior in High School. In average lives, I would be into my career, getting married, etc. This reality sometimes creeps upon me from behind and lies to me, telling me that that life is better than this, or I am too old for school. Lately, this has been hard to suppress as it is hard to see the benefits one receives from his current struggles before they are over. So, in my head is a battle between what is happening and what could have been happening, and which one is better. I am glad I came here to experience the world, and surely I won’t leave the same as when I came. I have experienced some of the world, and hope to experience even more of it as I continue here, and to experience a different world when I come home and make the next big choices.

Blue Christmas: Update on December 27, 2009

2009-12-27T11:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas has always meant snow and cold to me, but not the kind of cold and snow where one wishes it would melt into a haze of warmth, but a cold and snow that makes one reminisce of fires and snowball fights and making snow forts and the ignorance of youth. Needless to say that two Christmases without snow (last year’s snow could hardly be considered snow to Michigan standards) would make one who considers himself a nostalgic somewhat sad. Needless to say, I missed the snow and the whole “White Christmas” ambience of home during the Holidays. So, as we put our mooring lines onto the bits here in Curacao, my mind was thinking of the snow, even though the port I rolled into is one of the most different islands we have visited.
Upon arrival one may wonder where they came. Instead of being decisively tropical, this island is rather arid in appearance. The beaches themselves are even more rock than sand, and it is amazing that this is one of the bigger tourist islands in the Caribbean. It is also different because this is the first time the people predominantly don’t speak English. Instead, they speak a mixture of Dutch and Spanish. I actually have a reason not to understand people here! One last thing to mention of our scenery is the water. It is about as clear as I have seen in my life, and is rather cool, being that it is the Atlantic in December, but not Michigan cool. We are even allowed to swim immediately off the quayside where we are berthed!
Christmas this year was similar to what is was last year; fancy dinner on Christmas Eve, service, gift exchange, brunch Christmas day, then the rest of the day off,; with a few exceptions. This year, being in the Caribbean, not in Hel… I mean Denmark the whole environment was different. Instead of being cold and not doing anything of value, I was rather hot, not uncomfortably hot, and went swimming on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We also embraced the warm culture and had a barbeque Christmas night. It was certainly a new and wonderful experience, but I still miss the snow that home is lacking.

Auf Wiedersehen, Guyana!: Update on December 15th, 2009

2009-12-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

So, as the hours spent in Georgetown, Guyana tick to the end, I can’t help but feel joy for my time here. My head is flooded with memories as well as regrets. I see faces of those whom I played basketball with and hear “You shoppin’ baby?” from a market vendor. My time here was good, even though I didn’t finish the way I had wished. After going to the church service with the guy from basketball, I wasn’t able to go back, due to a lack of people being around and interested. One reason was the teams we sent out to different places in Guyana, from the same city we are in to 6 hours away, traveling by bus and boat.

The team I was on was sent to help the local Habitat for Humanity in the area for three days, while staying on the ship overnight. Although this was an awesome opportunity, I was a little disappointed by the length and the fact that we slept on the Ship. Regardless, I spent three days working 9-5 on three different houses. Our main job was to be the mules, and carry stuff and move things, like block, a lot of block. A couple guys got to help roof, and do some easy “carpentry” type stuff. We worked alongside locals as well, and got to know some of them decently. One told me of his time being a gold miner, and his adventures in the jungles, while another argued for sake of his religion, which was Islam. I hope God used us in ways we will never know, but I know that those three days went by way too fast. We never fully finished a house, but worked on three different sites, readying foundations and digging the trenches for the foundations. It brought me back to the beautiful days I spent in Mexico with my youth group.

As I reflect on my time here, I can easily smile and be happy God let me come here, to a whole new continent, and see how amazing and mysterious the Human race is...

Skin: Update on December 6, 2009

2009-12-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing that we all need a reminder of every day it is that one cannot judge by what is seen. I almost feel bad for explaining this port for what I saw when we arrived. Sure, on the outside you have one of the poorest countries in the Western Hemisphere, and the Ship is docked in one of the worst parts of one of the worst cities. There is so much more to this place, and these people. Fitzy and I went out one day to find somewhere to play basketball when somebody showed us to a court that is in an area we aren’t supposed to go, and only around ten minutes away from the ship. Fortune would have it that the guys that play there play four times a week. Little did we know when we went down there a couple days later that some of the guys that play are on the national team or even the Guyanese And-1 team. We were in over our head. The play is also more physical than I had ever seen, even in the prison in Trinidad. We’ve played four times already, and have a chance all next week to go, and people are starting to recognize us in the neighborhood. But we are starting to earn our respect for coming back and being able to perform, even though they still call us “white boy”.
Today, four of us went to one of the guys’ churches for a little culture experience. The Church was in the same neighborhood as the court (which is the most dangerous neighborhood in Guyana) and only a little ways away from the court. By the time we were about 10 minutes from the court still, we could hear the music being played. When we got there, we learned that they were doing a 24 hour praise service. So, the four of us sat there, the only white folk, and the only folk not dancing and shouting, with a grim on our face. It was cool, and they certainly have a different way of worshipping, it was almost like a dance party. The band included a steel drum, and there was a man with a “reggae” voice singing backup, giving the worship music a different sound. What a cool experience to be in such a different place. The world is so big…

Beginnings and Ends: Update on November 28th, 2009

2009-11-28T09:15:00.000-08:00

As Sabbath week drew to a close and work loomed over all of us, we had one last night of ecstasy. One thing that is fairly new here on the Ships is something called the “LogOscars”. It is a chance for us members to be creative and utilize our imaginations into making short films, which are then submitted and handpicked for the event. The LogOscars is the night in which Ship’s Company get to watch these short videos and see what has been done, and also a reason to dress up and look snazzy. I was charged with the task of making a video for my department (Deck), alongside Justin, a couple of months ago. The work progressed slowly, and ideas were vague for a bit, but we finished our music video entitled “Day of the Deckie” the day before the deadline. I had written a song and recorded it and made a music video, along with a 4 minute opening sequence. The end result was me in a Captain outfit playing gangster rapper, and bragging about our department. Needless to say, it was a decent video comparatively. We ended up winning three awards, being one of only three videos to win any awards. Another, and my favorite, video was a cartoon made by a friend of mine. He took over 1500 pictures to make it, and drew it himself, and did all the sound effects as well. It was amazing, and he definitely deserved every award he received. The awards my video won were, “Best Direction”, “Best Soundtrack”, and an actor got “Best Supporting Actor”. There were some 25 videos involved, but they could only show 14 to keep within time restrictions.

As we sailed away from Viuex Fort, St. Lucia, I was glad I got to do so much in only a week. From sleep to football to the LogOscars to an entire Ship’s Company outing, to quiet time, Sabbath Week was everything I had hoped for. The voyage to Guyana was something of a nightmare for a lot of people on board. A combination of a decent swell and broken stabilizers made much of the crew was seasick. I was luckily omitted from much sickness but had to do sea watch alone for 2 days; it was a long two days.

Upon arrival, Guyana has proved the most different Port I have seen in my time here, and I can’t help but thinking that it is places like this we should be more often. The quayside is made of wood that looks like it was cut in the late 1800’s, and the town itself is something like an ad for child poverty. We are literally right around the corner from a mosque, and most of us on board are getting sent to help the community, in which we can’t drink the water. Our mooring lines are attached to pieces of wood that look like they’ll snap any time, and security has been amplified to the nth degree, we even put barbed wire on our mooring lines! Needless to say, I am glad for this opportunity and can’t wait until I am off watch to go check out the town, and maybe play some basketball with the local Muslims!

Spreading the Gospel... of American Football

2009-11-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

It’s a well known fact that what we call football is not the norm around the world. Our version of it draws a lot of criticism for being boring, and even sometimes “pansy”. This coming from people who seemingly play a large scale game of “pong”, or at least that’s what soccer feels like to me. Americans all over the world have to endure persecution for playing a sport not quite rugby, with a name that has nothing to do with the actions taken within the game, or very little. People tell us our sport is dumb and boring while they sit in front of a TV and watch next to nothing happen. Well, I am making ground in getting out the excitement of American Football, and making decent headway thanks to satellite TV, and built up frustration.

This week is a week of rest from the norm for us here on the Logos Hope, so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to set up an American Football Tournament. The game was 5 on 5 full contact, with a limit of three Americans per team. There were five teams originally signed up, but four teams ended up making it. So everyone got to play each other, and each team got three games. The people ranged from anywhere from the Faroe Islands to France to South Africa. A lot of people didn’t have a great understanding of the rules, but we made do.

The games were a little ugly, being that not many people have played much quarterback in their life, and those that have, myself included, are rusty from a lack of playing for a long time. Aside from that, the games were a blast! Fairly fast paced and hard hitting (I think some people just wanted to get out some frustration) the 10 minute halves flew by. Two teams emerged as the dominant ones, and the final game was between my own team (Sons of Thunder) and the other dominant team, and what a doozie.

Tied at 6-6 going into the second half, nobody seemed to have an edge. Offensive play was sloppy, and defense was tight on both sides. With little room for mistakes, my team started with the ball and struggled to score for the next two possessions. With about 5 minutes left in the game, the ball slipped out of my hand right into the end zone, and the other team recovered. This made the game more interesting, and we were down (after a scoring drive before that) by a count of 6-18 (1-3). The next drive we got the ball and marched to chew up some yards and quickly scored. With about 3 the other team got the ball. Our defense stiffened up and halted them with about a minute thirty to go. The final drive was in the typical “two-minute drill” fashion, rushing to the line after every play. As we neared our goal line, after a few nice plays, we had twenty five seconds left and it was third and goal. I was to run a fade route, which means I run up field. I got a step on my defender, and the quarterback threw it right where it needed to be, and I caught the game-tying touchdown with 20 seconds left. We stopped them two straight plays, but on the last one suffered an injury (the only of the afternoon) to a main player. We decided to play college overtime style, and both of us scored as the sun went down. For now we are tied… Sad isn’t it?

Challenge: An Update on November 18, 2009

2009-11-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

And lose my breath I indeed did. Upon my return to the Ship we found that she had been at anchor for nearly a week already due, at first, to rough seas, then to another ship needing our berth for work. At first I was excited that we were out, and hoped for a chance to stay on shore for another night or two, but we ended up going back the night we were supposed to. The anchor situation also meant more work, and after a long break, the worst thing to come back to is a crappy job. But that is what happened. It wasn’t so much the long hours of ferrying people back and forth that bugged me, but the lack of anything else to do, or anywhere else to go. Work played a part in this also, because instead of going where others got to go, I had to ferry them. This lasted until early Friday morning when we finally came in after a long week and a half for most people on board. Before we could get into our proper berth, we spent a few days in the cruise ship terminal. We would see a new ship almost every day, and a lot of days three new ships. I had never known Barbados was such a popular cruise ship destination.
The truth is that work has overruled ministry this past week and a half, and I was unable to do anything of significance to tell about. One thing that is cool is a video a friend and I have been working on. You see, we now sit in Viuex Fort, St. Lucia, after more strange work hours, on Sabbath week. We take a break from normal life and spend time in community and with God. At the end of the week, we have something called the “Logoscars”. For the past two months or so, ship’s company has had time to make videos, which are now submitted for judging. At the Logoscars, we will be judged and the best videos will receive awards. My friend and I were responsible to make the video representing our Deck department. We made a music video, the first time it has been done on the Logos Hope. I wrote a rap song, recorded it with the help of our department, and made a video as Cap’n Krunk. We first shot other intros, but I’ll wait until I am able to post it to tell of the rest. We have a good shot at winning.

Breathe: Update on November 6th, 2009

2009-11-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

A new port meant a new chance to breathe. We left St. Lucia Behind a week ago to travel to Barbados, a Port I have been excited about for months because of an opportunity to go on break with some close friends for a week. The day we arrived work was all messed up; we worked from early in the morning until about noon, and then were off until 6 until 11. This was because we had to pick things up at one place then go to our berth for the port. This meant I had to do mooring stations three times that day, and put up the gangways as well. One thing about this place that is awesome is that there is a nice beach about five minutes’ walk from us. One bad thing is that we had to leave the berth to weather a storm and to wait for an industrial ship to offload flour. As I write this, we are at anchor about a mile off shore of Barbados.
Luckily, I wasn’t here for most of that malarkey, as my break has come and gone. Four of us went to a little cabin on a beach about an hour (by car) away. We were on the other side of the Island, and isolated from almost everything. The place we got (at an incredibly low price) wasn’t much, but had a stove and fridge and a freezer and some beds. When one walked out the back door onto the porch, the Atlantic Ocean would shine and glimmer, and the scent of the sea was heavy. The waves were constantly beating onto the rocky shore, making it hard to swim, but easy to relax in the water. So, with that being our temporary residence, the four of us spent the week basically doing nothing, and loving it. We found our share of beaches and did some swimming and played football, and ate a lot of meat. One day, Fitzy and I even wandered around for a couple hours and found the most amazing beach I’ve seen, but I didn’t have a camera. The first things I noticed were the mammoth rocks whose bases were worn down so much that I wondered when they would topple. The sea wasn’t so rough here, and the sand was more abundant. There were palm trees everywhere, and I even got a coconut at the base of one. Two of the nearby locals had pet monkeys (I was a little jealous).
Other than that story, not much is to be told of our break, considering it was taken to relax and breathe. The busyness of life here was made numb, along with most other feelings, for a week that God had given me. I couldn’t stop thanking God while I was there, and still thank him for a week to breathe. Now to lose my breath again…

Island in the Sun: St Lucia Update on October 26th, 2009

2009-10-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

Within the past ten days, I’ve had 4 Swing Dance events (one fell through), three basketball games, work, and started work writing a song to make a video for something called the “Logoscars”, which will be a chance for us on board to make videos, then win awards and get dressed up. Oh yea, I’ve also watched 3 games of American Football (God Is good). Two of the swing events were for youth programs, and one was a rather large youth program. The one I speak of was on Saturday the 24th of October, and was in front of some 400 kids. We did our dance (two couples) and then got interviewed about ships life. They asked me “What is good about being a man on board?” My (obvious) response was, “Well, what isn’t good about being a guy?” Then proceeded to tell about how we tend to get the better jobs, but I was handcuffed when asked what was difficult, offering no real answer back. The other notable event was yesterday when ten or so of us headed out to play some basketball against some locals. Only three showed up, about a half hour late, so we adjusted and played with them. I was in one of my moods where I freely and openly talk a lot of trash, and they were the type of people who can handle it, and even talk back. I really connected with one nicknamed “Gage”, who came back to the ship, and the trash talk continued, as I tried to raise interest in him coming to the ship.

Overview of Trinidad: Update for November 16, 2009

2009-10-15T19:16:00.001-07:00

When we first came to Trinidad, I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was a big city that stank like the dickens, and was apparently very dangerous. Well, today we rolled out of Port of Spain, Trinidad, and onto the next adventure. As we sailed away from the Industrial capital of the Caribbean, I still had the same mixed feelings. It was a great opportunity to grow in ministry, and provided many opportunities to use what we’ve been practicing for many months (I’ve probably played more basketball here than I ever have in a month). Also, swing is still changing in my new leadership, and I’m not too sure which direction it is taking, but it certainly is getting used in a number of events. Even with the absence of my partner, I still danced in two events, and the other couples performed much more than I did.
I also had a chance to make some local friends, one being at the YTC juvenile center, and one being a local volunteer on the ship. I first met him when I was sent to his church as a leader of a church team. We shared the “Mission Hats” presentation, and I gave a testimony, while one more person did the message. After, they fed us and we got to meet them. His name is Adrian, and he played drums. He helped in the book hold for two or three weeks while we were in port. He also took Dan (Wales) and I out to get groceries for our upcoming break (on the beaches of Barbados).
One other cool thing that happened was that I learned a new sport; Cricket. First of all; yes it is as boring as it sounds. What happens is that a team consists of 11 people, who all get the chance to bat. After all eleven go, the next team is up. This can take hours, and batters can take their sweet time, due to no “foul ball” boundaries, and the fact that they don’t have to run if they feel they won’t make it to the next wicket (something like a base in baseball). The game was fun, when I had a hand in doing something, but the standby phases were killer, and long. Also, I did horrible batting, so I was out for about 5 minutes, while the rest of the team lasted a good 30 minutes each. I bowled (pitched) well, and got three wickets (outs). I guess it was good, but I still don’t quite get it.
So as we sailed away from Trinidad, I thought of the fond memories and friends I made, and was glad we visited. Then the stench of the air met my nose again, and I couldn’t wait to leave.

Prison: Update on October 2nd, 2009

2009-10-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

They say that nothing comes easy in prison, and boy is it true. Our sports ministry leaders (alongside other leaders) had the fortunate opportunity to open up the prison bars and bring teams from the ship to play with some prisoners. The prison is for youths of all ages and all convictions, ranging from being sent by their parents (which is law in Trinidad) to the murderers and drug dealers. It’s safe to say that this was a rough crowd. In the past and coming days and weeks, we will have and have had numerous opportunities to play sports, and talk to these kids, as well as free reign to pass out literature.
On Friday, October 2nd, eight of us guys had a chance to go and play some basketball with a group of the prisoners. As we got there, they showed us around and walked us to the court, and explained what goes on there. This isn’t a waste of life for these kids, as they are forced to go to school, and also to learn trade skills, ranging from carpentry to welding and electric work. Of course, not everybody wanted to be there, but at least they were getting invaluable education during a period of punishment.
The gym was indoors and hot, which was expected, but hard to handle none the less. This was a huge social event for, what seemed to be, the whole of the prison. We sat and waited as hundreds of prisoners filed past us into the bleachers awaiting the tip off. As we warmed up, there were laughs and jokes, most of which I didn’t understand, and a lot of chatter. When the opposing team finally came out and started warming up, half of our team was sweating and a little tired already.
After a quick introduction from all of us, we began to play, and the first half was controlled by us. We had a fast pace, but patient offense running the court, and a tight zone defense to prevent opposing driving. They didn’t know how to attack it often it felt like, and we had them baffled. The crowd loved how we were playing, and loved when anyone would badly miss. The whole of the crowd would roar with laughter at ever bad play, giving more reason to not mess up. At half, we led by 17 points, 42-27.
The second half was somewhat embarrassing on our behalf, as they closed the gap to eight within the third quarter. We were dead tired, and had a lot of trouble moving the ball, and getting out of their full court trap defense. The more tired we got, the more physical the play got. This game was physically and mentally challenging as there seemed to be no fouls. There was pushing and shoving, and even some punching and slapping, the whole game. They also brought out three big guys (6’4” or so) to wear us down in the post. It worked for the most part, but we started to fight back eventually.
The fourth quarter was more of the same, as our exhausted team got run around, but hung on. In the waning minutes, we were up by a mere 3 baskets, and our defense held tight for most of it, but their physical play tore us down while they scored two more baskets. They never took the lead, but within the last thirsty second there was much business down by the rim as we delivered defensive blows getting in the way of passes and of shots the whole time. In the end, we were victorious by a score of 61-59 (I hit our only three).
Now the part that actually matters. We had a chance to talk to the whole gym after, as Clayton told his testimony of apathy, and shared about the ship, and of Christ as our savior. Then, as they funneled out some kids stayed behind to chat with us, some to keep playing, and some just to not have to go back to class. We also had a chance to pass out around 35 bibles (disguised as a sports magazine) to all the kids. The one kid I talked with most was named Samir, and was imprisoned for selling and using illegal narcotics. Samir liked to read, so we talked a little about books, and he took the bible. I told him to read it like he does a story, and he said he would. God willing, he will, and God willing his heart will be transformed.

Frenzy: An Update on the 19th of September, 2009

2009-09-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I’ve been to a few places in this big world. I’ve been to beautiful landscapes, to huge cities with buildings trying to reach into heaven, to cities built on poverty, to places so plain and flat you could walk for days and barely get tired, but never have I been to a place that smells like, literally, poop. Well, this is the case here in Port of Spain, Trinidad. Randomly, for an unknown reason, the air gets a heavy smell of poop that ahs been sitting around for ages. It nearly makes me vomit sometimes, and at least makes me mad. Oh well, we are in a new port now, and it is a big ol’ city again. We are expecting tons of people to visit, and I have some really cool opportunities with sports ministry, and hopefully with swing. Last night we presented our ministries to all the new recruits, and I had another chance to swing, and quite a few people showed interest. I even got all three of us to dress up in Football jerseys and baseball hats!

That reminds me that I haven’t mentioned a new PST joining. Well, in the last port, Tobago, 94 new people came on the ship after a month long training process to spend 2 years of their life here. It’s a rather humbling experience seeing 94 new people, and realizing how insignificant one is. The night they joined there was a small party, and one of my good friends is back on board now after being home, and I am his brother. A few days after they came, I held a basketball game, then swing dance the next day, taking advantage of their eagerness to get involved.

I also had a chance to get to know a woman named Julie. Julie was one of our security guards in Tobago, and was a great person. She was in her 40’s (I think) and was very quizzical about what a Christian life entails. We talked on grace and responsibility, and of the bible. She had so many questions as what one could do. I saw a process where people had been talking to her since the ship had come, and I filled only a small role. I just sat and listened to her concerns and ideas, then told her she should get her own bible. This brought even more questions about what kind, which translation I read, etc. In the end she bought a bible (NIV) and was excited to know God personally, something which I think the world needs to be more excited about.

Another cool opportunity I had was to play an actual basketball game versus a local team. They were young, and pretty good. We lost 27-34, but put up a good fight. After the game, the girls played and got hammered, but that’s okay. We then brought a few of the guys back to the ship for dinner, not much good conversation, but I feel glad they could see the ship. I expect many more basketball opportunities including one at a local juvenile prison! Exciting, isn’t it?

Art: Update on September 8th, 2009

2009-09-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

The last days have been a time I’ve enjoyed a lot, a valuable time with God. Since I’ve come back, I felt as though something was missing, like I wasn’t there yet with God, like I still had so very far to go. The truth is that I do have miles to run still before I can come close to being who I need to be, and this had been bugging me for the couple of weeks I was here. A busy schedule right off the bat hindered my mind from being too wrapped up in it though, and when I finally got time this past week to breath, it all haunted me.
I was on Firerounds again, which means I was up all night basically alone. This always proves for time for me to think, reflect, and read. I found myself in tears in two or three different occasions, and found myself rather crappy feeling. At one point, before my watch I wrote this:
My toes gripped the soft, water logged pine beneath me as my heart was gripped with fear. “Here I am again” I whispered to myself as the water gently glided into the dock and the gulls laughed at my cowardice. I hate seagulls.
“If they could feel the fear of the unknown, then they wouldn’t be laughing at me,” I told myself rather convincingly. “I’d be the one laughing if they were diving in to this lake. Freaking seagulls, I hate ‘em”
“They’d dive in,” another voice within chimed, “without even thinking. You know that water is plenty deep, yet you are afraid of breaking that fat neck of yours.”
This may seem odd to some, that I talk to myself, but the truth is that we don’t get along very well, and this is a regular thing when I am on the edge of a choice. He always seems to seek the exact opposite of what I want. It’s quite a dichotomy within my mind. He’s a jerk.
“Screw you,” was my defensive retort.”You think you know everything, don’t you! Well… You… You never know what could happen. Maybe a shark will be down there, or even a… a Manta ray, since they can kill people too! Yea, you never know what I could dive into! Think about all those possibilities, idiot!”
The breeze beat against my naked torso as the sun prepared for its rest, and the warmth of the twilight wind mixed with a long day seemed to draw my body closer to the edge, even if it was to just cool off. The wind beating the nearby trees that marked my path was the concert that surrounded, and it seemed as if my other voice had been silenced by my ridiculous protests. I had seemingly prevailed in denying my whims.
“Fool,” harshly exclaimed my mind.” You are nothing but a coward, and an ass. I mean really, sharks? Manta rays? Seriously? You couldn’t be any dumber. You know this is fresh water; you’ve even waded in it before. What the hell are you afraid of?”
He was right, no doubt about it, and I hate when he’s right. I had no response, kind of like a kid caught stealing a candy bar. My mind blanked, and my face flushed as the anger and embarrassment mixed into a mess of self-loathing. The clouds drew in on the dim light, and my instinct rose in my defense.
“I told you once that I could break my neck, and there’s no need to cuss,” I said in a rather childish tone. ”That’d be a lot of fun for everyone then, wouldn’t it. My whole life would be ruined! Everything I love; sports, outdoors, walking; would come to a halt. Everything I hate would begin! Why, I don’t even thi…”
“What are you afraid of little boy?” he rudely interrupted, his tone getting much more serious and angry. To be honest, he was absolutely right. I knew how deep it was, and I knew that nothing lethal waited beneath the waters. The bottom had to be at least 100 feet down, so I knew that it’s take some skills to reach it even without the proper equipment. So I quickly had to think of another excuse.
“Well,” it came,”what if my friends hated me after? You know they can’t swim, and they’d know I did because I’d be all wet. I don’t have a towel anyways, and it’s damn near dark out. One can’t wander about in the dark all wet and cold. I might get sick mate! I would need to dry off, and then I could find my way back. Plus, I really like the underwear I hav…”
“WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?” This time it nearly shook my mind off of its hinges, and again I lost my train of thought. By now the moon was showing off the lake, and the air had become rather perfect, but not for swimming. I was weary, and my legs sore, so I told myself I’d come back tomorrow.

These were some of the thoughts rolling around my head, like I couldn’t dive fully into God’s grace; I couldn’t give up myself in honor of my King. This was devastating as I know that this is what we are called for, to dive into all God has made for us, and to worship him constantly. I know that we are called to love those around us with no prejudice or hate, yet I felt like I was so far from being who I should be. So for a while I was stuck in between these feelings and not knowing where to go next. I was also reading a book called “Blue Like Jazz” that opened my eyes to the prejudice I hold against a few groups of people, and that the main call to us is to love people, from our best friends, to the arrogant, self-righteous Christian (my hardest task), all the way to the flaming liberal and the homosexuals. But this was all still so hard on me, so I was still very down on myself.
One great thing about Firerounds is that I get a chance to see the sunrise. Let me tell you, God is the greatest of artists. I would stand on the Quayside just watching the dawn unfold, in absolute awe of my maker. I would actually take the time to let God whisper, and attempt to shut up my noisy mind. That’s when it came to me to just let go. It doesn’t matter how far I think I have to go, what matters is that God is very much alive in my life. What matters is that I am out here on an adventure trying to find a measure of spirituality in which I’ve never known, and I am starting to. God truly is a romantic; He gave me the sunrise when I needed it most. He gave me peace when I was at war within myself. He gave me the capacity to let go of my own self-criticism, and to just let Him work. I wrote this quick poem in reflection:
Another picture painted on an empty sky
Another breath you take from me
Another minute my mind is at ease
Another day I wish I could fly
Of all the wonders here on Earth
And all the beauty hung in the night
All the mystery of a virgin birth
Again I wish to take flight
I see your stroke surrounding my gaze
The penmanship upon this empty page
But it falls apart when I look at your face
For the only true is Your grace
I am now reading a book called “The Cross Centered Life” and it has some good truth to it. TO live always knowing we are redeemed for no reason. There is no logic to the grace we receive, but none-the-less, we receive it. So, it tells me, to not just follow God when the emotions are right, but always. Cast aside the shallow emotional faith, and equip faith that really believes and lives redeemed. Christ is alive and kicking in my life.
On the relaxing part of things, yesterday my PST celebrated our one year anniversary with ourselves. What a blessing! We went to a beach resort that let us go down into this awesome beach that was in a sort of cove, all by itself. We also were allowed use of the pool and to lounge around on the chairs. After a few hours there we came back to have a time of partying and prayer and fellowship. It reminded me how crazy time is, and one year seems like forever and yesterday at the same time. God bless my next year, and yours also.

A Deep Breath: Sunday, August 23rd 2009

2009-08-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

The last you guys may have known of me, I was on my way to Detroit to spend some time back home with friends and family. Now, my time in Port Huron has come to an end, so I’d like to tell of some of my many blessings while I visited. The blessing that hits home most is my family as a whole. I was fortunate enough to see almost all of my extended family, and to spend a lot of time with my immediate family. I have the best parents in the world. They made this trip a blessing, almost too much as I may have gotten spoiled. I missed them a lot, so seeing them and going to a Tigers game and just spending time with them for two weeks was awesome. It felt like no time was lost, even though so much has changed. I love my parents with all my heart, and I can only hope I can be a good parent too. My brother and sister –in-law were also in town to visit for a week, and it was really cool to be able to spend time with them as well. My nephew is such an awesome kid, and seeing him and my sister and brother-in-law was a great time. Kids can teach us so much if we just listen and watch. I had a blast with my family.
So on Wednesday the 19th at 4:30 in the morning I once again left home after a blessed visit. The eyes weren’t as teary, nor the hearts as anxious this time around, but I could feel the looming sadness upon my parents, and it broke my heart to let them go, but God has much in store for all of us, not just me. My course took me through a 7 hour layover in Miami where I connected with a friend from the ship again as he was heading on the same flight back. When we arrived in St. George’s and got through customs we had about 9 people waiting to welcome us, and hugs were in plenty. Then we headed back to the ship swapping stories like no time was lost, and hung out for a while.
The next two days were marked by weariness from trying to adjust back to an early schedule, and from work being rather difficult. My first day back we had a mooring line snap, and were forced to go out to anchor for the night to run from a large swell coming in. The meant 2 mooring stations in one day, which is typical, except on Saturday when we had to move berths all together because of the swell, which meant mooring stations and gangways back to back. I was pretty tired when everything when all was said and done, and my hands rather sore.
So today was a good day thus far. When I got back I was told I was on a church team this Sunday (which is today) and I was a bit nervous. I had never been on a church team, nor have I ever given my testimony, which I already think is a bit lame. But regardless of all of the crap in my head, I was able to go to this church that had a reggae song for worship, and the worship lasted a good hour and a half, and deliver my testimony. The two girls gave a small presentation intended to get people interested in missions, and I came after and shared about how I felt called into missions. After the service, we had a chance to sit down with the pastors and their families for a lunch of some peculiar foods and a chat with them. Beyond the small talk they started to ask questions about the ship and missions, and our lives. Then they started to tell tales of hiking in Grenada and snakes. They were hilarious. Two of the kids of the pastors were trying to figure out if they could handle life on the ship, and while we walked out she told me that my testimony was just like how her life is, and it was really encouraging to hear me talk about it, and be real. God works, even through little ol’ me.

Lost in This World: Update on August 6th, 2009

2009-08-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally made it to the Caribbean, and God has richly blessed us (namely me) in my short stay there. We arrived in St. Vincent’s (Kingstown) on Monday the 27th of July, at around 7:00 in the morning, and I was on watch. I was absolutely shattered for sleep, ad my watch was from 4-8 and then we had to be at mooring stations at 6 am, and stayed until 8 am. I was shattered that whole day, but what a blessing! We arrived to a sunny sky and a steel drum band. Before long, rain had started to put on us as we pulled fast alongside the quay, but it was the type of rain you don’t mind. That might have been because of the high temperature and crazy amounts of humidity that none of us were used to after a long stay in northern Europe. After we were made fast, I went to bed.
As I awoke, I had to go down to the gangway for the last watch I’d do for a while, and it was amazing! I stepped out into a paradise as I got off the Ship; the quay we are on is something like a pier for cruise ships, surrounded by a high, dark cliff with green taking control of the flat ledges. The water is something out of a dream, and you can see nearly to the bottom. Rolling waves gently glided into the dark cliffs as clown fish swam under foot, and Ship’s Company enjoyed the sea, while we still could. I thought I had stepped into a fairy tale.
But that’s not why I was there. No, I was there to grow and to plant; to sow, water, and reap. I was there to follow God, and to let him cultivate in me whomever it is I need to be in this world. This process took me into a blossoming sports ministry in which we have been blessed with abundant opportunities to reach out and get to know the people of the communities we visit. God has also put in the middle of a funny time for swing dance, where the transition from project to ministry on the ship has made it somewhat hard to attract a good number of men. God has put me in a couple of leadership positions, and I mean to do the best I can, which is nothing without Him.
As I had mentioned on that little aside, I have been involved with basketball ministry (which is a part of sports ministry) since I’ve come. Now in ports where people actually like Basketball, I have seen already two opportunities to partake in the community. One was almost accidental as three of us stumbled our way to a court to play and met a guy who played with us shortly, before a real game between two of the Caribbean Islands. We watched for a bit, then headed back where I held a swing dance practice, that had a larger than usual turnout. A couple of days later, we went out again to a different court to meet a couple locals who we played with for a good two hours (which was enough considering the climate). They were both going to the ship on the weekend, which is a shame because I’ll be in Port Huron.
On Tuesday, as well as playing basketball and swing dancing, I was lucky enough to get yet more peace of heart as God led me into a place so beautiful I can’t adequately describe it, but I’ll try anyways. I know you’ve seen the movies about the beaches here, well, times that by ten. The sand was as smooth as butter, and the water like glass. The beach was busy, but on the other side was the private resort, which had tiki huts all around and was just a big hill in the middle of the water. We (a group of about 15- mostly deckies) spent all day there, getting sunburned, and swimming, and even playing with a few of the local kids. That was such a blessing.
So where I am now is yet another crazy adventure God has sent me on. I am currently on an airplane to Miami, where I’ll meet my long-lost friend to spend some time with before I fly back to Detroit. But how I got here is a story. I’m not sure if this is a new thing or not, but apparently airports here have a tax charged for leaving the airport. I had no clue. So as I stumbled up to the customs desk in St. Vincent’s, and they asked me to pay my fee, I was at an end. I had 3 ECD with me, and they didn’t take credit cards, and on top of all of that I have no idea what my PIN number is any more. I was shattered, thinking all of it was gone, but God provided for me to be able to go through anyways, without paying. Similar story in Grenada, except I had to pay, luckily there was a store who could give me cash back with a purchase. God’s provision is endless, and he just wanted to keep me on my toes.

Floating Freedom: An Update on July 25th (from the middle of the Atlantic)

2009-07-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Floating Freedom: Update for July 25th, 2009
Memories of pain, memories of war, memories of wonder, and memories of fame, all give life to this floating home. Swept away by our own desire to follow where called, we seek adventure, I find peace, and we all find rest. The beast has been tamed to honor our first transatlantic voyage on the Logos Hope as the sea has been smooth as a baby’s bottom. The whole week we have been at sea has been a blessing, and I have gained much from the rest offered. Every time I sit down to think about where I am I can do nothing but thank God for knowing me better than I know myself. This has been the calm amongst a storm in my life, and exactly what I needed.

It started as we sail out of Cork with a huge level of excitement and a sunny sky for the second time while we stayed there, this was on a Tuesday. The sunny sky quickly turned darker, and the rain fell… again. I guess it was just Ireland saying “good-bye and screw you too” (or that’s what it felt like). So the rest of the first day was plagued by sickness all around the ship, and I felt it pretty bad. Swing dance didn’t have many people dancing, and the whole ship felt sick (for the most part). On a side note, I forgot to mention that my partner for swing (Krysten) and I are now heading up swing dance. Anyways, I had to pop some pills to finally fall asleep at some point in the night, and when I woke I felt better, but not 100% better. Being that it was now Wednesday, this meant drills. So I suffered through fire drills and muster drills that lasted nearly to lunch, and then I ate and slept. When I woke, the feeling of queasiness had left, and has yet to return.

After that first day and a half, the seas have been so peaceful it’s almost absurd. So the first week of the voyage was about rest, and reconnecting, and I did both. I have been having a hard time the past weeks with a few things, so I had been having an even harder time seeing God as obviously in my life. Then, during my quiet day, I had the privilege of being reminded how much I am loved, and this is what I came up with…

Look all around you
See Me in the ocean blue
See Me in the rolling waves
See Me in My grace that stays
See Me in the celestial breath
In which the even rain can rest
See Me in the streaks of grey
See Me in the burning son
In which light is made
A representation of the One
See Me in the depths of the sea
On top of which you chase me
See Me in this giant sphere
And look upon with righteous fear
See Me in the dark
And see Me in the light
Chase Me in the day
And walk with Me at night
See Me in the endless sky
And feel Me as the bird soars high
See Me in the miracle of creation
Hear Me as they laugh and cry
Feel Me as you hold their head
Just as I hold you from up high
See Me in the hungry being fed
In the dead rising
In the heart sighing
In the nations dying
For I am He, and He has no equal
Remember Me in the good, find Me in the bad
Rejoice with Me in joy, need Me in the pain
And with My peace, My son, be clad

God’s grace is real, God’s grace is big, but most of all it’s free. Freedom is gained through a relationship with Him, and that comes with a realization that we don’t deserve squat, but are given something more precious than life! How can I, the guy who is on this crazy adventure exploring the world, the guy who spent his childhood surrounded by love, a guy who has been thrust into good things his whole life, why was I so down about life? No, I choose to move on, and I choose to grow from every pain thrown at me, for that’s the only way one can deal properly with problems. Christ once told us to “Seek and you will find” well, what was I seeking? No more can I seek the matters that only bring pain and trouble, no more can I look for all the good things in this world, for it falls away. No, I must seek Him, and I will find him. I will find Him, and I will find peace, even within the wars of this world. God is out there.

After an amazing quiet day, I enjoyed two days off in the sun; in a row! I even put the basketball hoop up on the top deck and played basketball in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean! How cool is that? I also managed to hit some golf balls off of the top of a room on the top deck, to swim in a freshly made swimming pool on the top deck, to hit a softball in to the sea, to get a sun burn, to get owned in a ping pong tournament, and to sleep a lot. Life is good at the moment, and we are only a few days away from the Caribbean, and it’s close to 90 degrees. Man did I miss the sun!

2009-07-10T04:46:00.000-07:00

A knock on the door
Hard and fast
A wandering word
A mighty blast
All falls down
While strength builds up
A fallen crown
An empty cup
The ground is split
A trumpet blown
A blast of rage in a mighty fit
The seeds are sown
I’m chained to this world
And it’s fall
The darkness, the sorrow
Are in my call
The harlot and whore
The elder and child
All cast aside
While the “righteous” run wild
Door knocked down
For “goodness’” sake
Babies burnt alive
For our mistakes
A darkened world thinks it light
A murdered bride in the night
He lay in prison
He rest in waste
He lies on bench
With somber face
He feels the whip
The crack, the pain
He is the family who lost its’ name
He is the child
Trapped in a cage
He feels our hate
And heeds our rage
He’s behind our curtains
He knows our ways
All is laid bare
What we don’t say
This world that kills
This world that rapes
It’s filled with pride
In humble shapes
The audacity of truth
The honor of lies
It strangles our youth
And ignores their cries
This world is so ugly
This world is so dead
So my hole lay elsewhere;
A platter with a head…

Rejoice!

2009-07-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

As I sit here in Cork and you sit where ever you may be, please pray with me, for the Lord is indeed good! The past couple of days the external audit of our ship was being conducted to oversee that we had completed the terms they gave us when we received the conditional PSSC Certificate, and we passed! So everything is going well, and it looks like we sail for the Caribbean next Tuesday. Praise God with me for His provision!
The past days have treated me well, and been somewhat exciting. From the first time I set in Cork for the first time (after a two and a half day voyage that gave me some good experience at the helm) it felt different. The town is not like any other town we had been to. I guess a good comparison to the others would be to say we went from thriving California to the bleak Midwest. The town just looks like an industrial affair complete with oddly colored apartment complexes, smokestacks, a mass amount of bars and pubs, and the drunks that go along with it all. It really is unimpressive from a seeing viewpoint. My fist time out I went alone, which may have been dumb for the time and location, but regardless I set out adventuring. Well, when I wanted to return about an hour later, I found out I had the sudden urge to use the bathroom. Everywhere near was either closed or packed, so I set out looking for a dark alley. Needless to say, I lost my way and wound up going in the wrong direction for a bit. I eventually found my way back home and ended up just fine, but tired.
Saturday was a day of new for me. It was the first time I’ve been away from friends and family for the 4th of July, it was my first performance for Swing Dance in front of an audience, and it was the first time I MCed and event. The event was a youth program for Irish churches to encourage looking into missions and seeking God, and to see through the distractions of this world. The event went smooth, and the dance was really good. We got some notice, and apparently people were in the edge of their seat for a move called the “helicopter”. As an MC, I was able to draw some laughs, as I took more of the back seat to Clayton, and I served more as color for it, acting childish and serving as Clayton’s distraction. After the event, I was able to talk to a few people about missions, and encourage on guy to forgive himself and let go of his own sin. After, some of us went to a place in town called Fast Eddies (I think) and got milk shakes, and even talked them into giving us some mustard.
On Monday was the big soccer tournament, which I actually played in; and enjoyed it! It was a blast as my PST (Koge) blasted its way to near perfection (3-0-1) and took the title in a boring title match in which we won 1-0 within the last minutes. I had a lot of fun playing defense, and was glad I went, even if it is soccer. The next day, I started this lifeboat proficiency course. I won’t lie; I went in with a bad attitude towards it, thinking it’d be boring and long. I must admit I was wrong, I’ve actually enjoyed it as we spent half of our time in the lifeboats so far. I am learning a lot, and enjoying the time away from normal work even more!

Old and New:Update on June 27th, 2009

2009-06-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

London is nearing its end, and it left a lot of memories in my mind. Other than the original exploration, I didn’t do a whole lot more, but I was able to hit some baseballs and field some too. We went to a park nearby and played until it started to pour. We met an Australian who was part of an Aussie rules football team, and one of my “mates” hooked up with him and has been playing “footie”. The rest of my nights evade my memory, therefore probably lacked any real importance or significance while I was on Firerounds. One thing that was cool was watching the sun rise every morning, and to see the beauty when the sun strikes the buildings surrounding the ship.
After Firerounds, I was blessed enough to be able to go to a friend’s house in a town called Hook. We took the train for my first extended train journey, and arrived late at night. The next day, she took us to a place called Winchester, which was the picturesque English town. It was a quiet little village with green everywhere, old buildings, and a nice little stream running through it and pasty little Brits running all over. This was apparently the town that housed King Arthur’s round table, and I got to see it. There was a bunch of old building strewn about in the city with modern commerce mixed in. It was gorgeous, and I came to a decision that I rather fancy England, even though America is still the bomb.
After a nice dinner prepared by Julia’s mom, for the three of us we went out to see some ruins of an old hunting lodge used by King John (known by most as Prince John or to Disney lovers as the phony king of England), which was just awesome to see something so old and historic, which is a rarity in the states. After the journey to the ruins (it’s just cool to think of going to “ruins”) we ventured to the movies to see the new Transformers, which was pretty good (for the action). Then we headed back home the next day, and I had more tours, which is perfectly ok with me! None of the tours stick in my head, but I know every time I give one, I can proudly proclaim the reason we are all here: to love people as Christ did. I also did tours today (and still have one left) and have been blessed by awesome people who show a ton of interest in the ship. Please pray for the ship’s ministry to affect lives by the millions, and also for my return home for a couple of weeks in August hopefully. Also, we have another audit coming to see if we are ready to sail the Atlantic Ocean, so please pray we pass with flying colors!

Victory and Peace: An Update on June 17, 2009

2009-06-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Saying goodbye to Cardiff and Wales went pretty smooth, and wasn’t very difficult from my perspective. We set out in the morning on the 8th, and figured to be sailing for a couple of days. After an uneventful morning on mooring stations, we were poised to get off early at 3:40, and I was exhausted, so I decided to take a nap after I ate lunch.
My nap was interrupted by a fire alarm, and I was honestly a little upset because I thought I was *another* drill. It turned out to be real when I got up to the fire station within a few minutes, and things were certainly solemn. We had our firefighting teams out at the fire, and there was a mass of confusion with us left back as to where exactly the fire was. This caused some concern for those who were behind, and made me want to get more involved once I shook off some scares, so I helped wherever they needed me, which was mostly to do a lot of air bottle running between where the attack teams were and to where they could fill up the bottles. Pretty early on, the captain called everyone to their muster stations to clear space for us so that it’d be easier to work. The fire took a good four hours to finally extinguish, and in the end most of the parties involved were exhausted, but there was no serious damage to anything or anybody. Thank God for keeping us safe.
The fire had started in our toilet paper storeroom (we had enough TP still, don’t worry and get creative) and was started by some wild sparks from welding. The aftermath of the fire was one of the worst parts of the whole thing, and for about 12 more hours, it was too hot to enter the space where it had taken place. The next day I got the job of cleaning the place it had happened, and that was quite a task, so Aaron (from Minnesota who doesn’t like hockey) and I were elected (after some delay) to be the two guys in the actual room where the fire went down, and what a mess it was. There was literally about 5 feet of ash that we had to clear out, and we got into a little battle with it, so we ended up looking like coal miners. Eventually we dug through the mess and cleared out about 10 huge garbage bags full of ash and sopping toilet paper.
When we arrived in London, we worked from 9 am until 11 pm putting up the gangways and navigating up the “mighty” Thames (they must not have seen the Mississippi or Ohio since it’s about the size of the St. Claire River). This meant that most of my department had Friday off, which for me meant exploring. We headed out with no direction, but eventually stumbled upon the tower bridge, St. Paul’s Cathedral, and some other things in that area. On the way home, four of us kind of got lost but it ended up that we were going in a good direction. At one point, it felt like we were in the Middle East, but we made it back to the ship safely! The next day I was set up for some tours, but things were a bit slower than they expected and unfortunately I didn’t end up giving any tours. On Sunday, I was able to get a free ticket to the public transport in London and check out some of the town more, like Big Ben and Buckingham palace.
One thing that is awesome is that one of the last big projects for the ship has been finished within the past week; the Hope Theater. It’s a massive, well, theater in our lower decks that can seat about 400 people, and it has been used quite a bit already. We’ve had concerts and services in it almost every day. This kind of stinks for me because my room in directly below, but I survive. The worst part is that I am on Firerounds this week, and will be sleeping (or attempting to) during the day hours, but I guess I can sleep through most anything.

Remnants of Summer: Update on June 7, 2009

2009-06-07T06:52:00.000-07:00

Rest is something that is incredibly easy to take advantage of in life. Whether it be working too much or being too social too often, rest is often overlooked in a lot of lives. This is especially true for life on this big hunk of steel I live on. Life here is incredibly busy and sleep is short. Of course, choices and preferences come into play on this subject, and I have always been a late night person, which makes it that much harder to get adequate amounts of sleep and rest.
With that said, thank God for break days! I had an opportunity this past week and a half to spend 5 of those days camping in a nearby campground. In the middle of Cardiff is a massive park, and just outside the park was my campground. There were only two of us that spent the time there after borrowing a tent from a local volunteer. My companion was Michael Ytreeide from Washington. The main focus of the break was rest, and we took that to heart. Aside from walking a ton (we didn’t have bikes or anything) we really didn’t do anything. We also were severely blessed when it came to the weather, and every single day was sunny and in the high 70’s to low 80’s. It was perfect.
There was also a side of adventure to our little outing. For the first time, we had a budget (that was much smaller than anticipated) that was really tight, and we had to make it work. So we used all of our pence to feed us and buy us drinks and we ate good, not healthy; just good. It also marked the first time both of us had grilled by ourselves, and it turned out pretty easy. The only problem was when we tried to grill chicken thighs without skinning them. They didn’t cook very well, and didn’t taste very good, but thank god for barbeque sauce! The rest of the meals consisted of a lot of bagels and lunch meat, which is a delicacy here. We also grilled hamburgers and salmon, which was delicious.
During our rest, we went to participate in what we had heard would be a “basketball tournament”. It was pretty funny that when we found out that we’d be using what was more like a hard beach ball instead of a real basketball. We were all split up into teams with ships people being divided up fairly evenly, and ended up having a lot of fun playing with internationals from all around. My team only won one of three, but we did bring down the undefeated team!
When I returned from break on Wednesday all I had to show for my break as a tan and stories of grilling. Apparently, people don’t like to rest on vacation, which I realized was how my vacations were as a kid sometimes. Now that I’ve grown a bit, I realize the awesomeness of sleeping a lot and just enjoying a day. Other than one museum visit (on accident) and multiple food and Wi-Fi runs, we barely left the park we were around. Thank God for rest.
The day after I got back was an Experience day, and I was luckily on tours. I still rather enjoying giving tours of our ship, and the time off in between them. I gave four tours that day which was highlighted by one to a group of ex-criminals. Although a few were somewhat trying and one was especially hard to understand, it was a blessing. My querulous attitude quickly changed on account of the humor of their personalities, which ranged anywhere from the odd, quirky with a bit of a twitch to the cool quiet guy, and even to the big, slow type that asks anything that pops into his head. In hindsight, they were quite the rag-tag group of kids, and they warmed up to my stolid sense of humor rather quickly, and accepted me. Although some of the traits of “misfits” like this can be pernicious at times and garner a measure of odium, I rather enjoy being around a group of people who have a sense of apathy to societies “norms”. They just don’t hide their faults as well as the rest of us.

An Account of My Blessings (Which are Innumerable): An Update on May 29th, 2009

2009-05-29T02:27:00.000-07:00

Dublin was a cool city with not much to do. To be honest, there were some great ministry opportunities there, but I missed out on most on account of seeing the sheets too late, and the last week I have been on the 8 to 12 watch, meaning I miss out on a lot. The city itself was incredibly diverse and rather nice (as I explained last update). In the center of the city was Trinity University, which housed a good number of students. The campus was gorgeous, but was very “touristy”. A few of us went to the school on an off day to use the rugby field, but for American Football. We had a blast and a local student of Trinity even played with us for a while. The only reason we were permitted to play was because it was exam week, so God offered yet another blessing to my life that I don’t deserve.

I also had an opportunity to go to a local guy’s house that is originally from Minnesota. Five of us Americans went to the house where he had prepared a delicious barbequed meal for us, complete with ranch. He was a pilot and was housed in Dublin, and was a part of an event we held on board. The time of fellowship was awesome, and we talked about everything ranging from sports to politics to religion. His family was very warm and incredibly nice, and it was yet another blessing from God.

Another thing that happened was kind of an accident. Clayton (USA), Fitzy (Australia), and I went to a nearby court to play a bit of basketball, hoping that some locals might want to play. After noticing the emptiness of the court, we decided to just play 21, but eventually some of the kids from the surrounding apartments joined us, at first just watching us, then talking to us. We eventually just got to hang around the kids for a while, talking about little things and playing with them. We returned a few days later to play some more, and some of the same kids returned, and some new ones showed up. We played with them for a few hours, and just hung out with them, giving them some needed attention. I eventually rolled my ankle pretty bad, so some prayer for healing would be cool.

The moral of the story here is that God blesses at every turn, if we choose to notice. So rejoice in suffering, and rejoice in glory. This is one lesson I am trying to pound into my head, and that wherever we may be, God is apparent through all of it if we just look for Him.

Land of Hate: Tuesday, May 19, 2009

2009-05-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

Belfast is more of a war-torn country than I have seen. Parts remind me of Detroit, or even are what I’d imagine a place like Kosovo would look like. The biggest thing that still remains from all the years of conflict is the hate that still lies in the people’s hearts. The murals that decorate the city are harsh reminders of what happened in the name of religion. It’s a big surprise to me that more Irish people hate the idea of established religion or of faith at all. So many deaths amounted to so little. It’s hard for me to realize the full truths of that place, but I can share a few stories.
On a day off KC, Julia, and I were able to hang out with a couple of local guys (one of them had volunteered on the ship). On a rare day that boasted a clear sky, they drove us to Belfast Castle (again) and then took us to Cannok Castle, which is a real castle. It was closed, but the view of Belfast and the castle was glorious. After that they drove us to a part of town that was obviously torn, and showed us the enormous wall that was erected with the purpose of keeping peace between the Catholics and Protestants. It was huge, and made me wonder if it was larger than the Berlin Wall. After this they showed us to the place with a bunch of murals painted on the walls. One was a memorial to a man who had been killed by the IRA, and had a big picture of him with some crosses and things around it. One of the guys told us a story about how he had brought a group of kids here and one suddenly burst out in tears. The kid was in a blind rage because the huge memorial to this thug hit him to the core. Apparently, this guy had killed this kid’s uncle. The whole group had to go, and the kid never went back.
The next day, a group of us ventured to a nearby basketball/soccer court to play some basketball. As we were playing kids started walking by and looking suspiciously at us. Eventually they started to throw eggs onto the court. Clayton went to confront them and (to make a long story short) we ended up hanging out with them and playing soccer with them. One of the guys said they were just throwing eggs because they didn’t know us and had assumed we were Catholics. They then showed us around their part of town. We walked to another wall nearby, and they told us some stories of their childhood. When one of the guys was young, there was a celebration happening on his side of the wall, and a sniper was perched up on the other side, just shooting at people. Another guy was shot at when he was just playing with his friends when he was 10 or so. We ventured near to the catholic side, and some of the kids came and started taunting the leader we were hanging out with, and if we hadn’t walked away, would have done more probably. The hate has trickled down through the generations.
Belfast was such an awesome port to be in, and was a great blessing. The sail from there to Dublin was short lived, and I don’t recall if anything interesting happened: probably not. Dublin is such a cool city. I been out exploring most days, and tried to find the Red Wings game, but was unsuccessful. There are castles, and cathedrals, and the city is so much older than I am used to. There are also a ton of people from all over. I have a busy week ahead of me, with a volleyball game, basketball game, and a dinner with some local Americans.
One request from my end; one of my friends here is going home on account of medical problems, and if you could please pray for him, so he can return ASAP (his name is John).

My Mommy...

2009-05-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

When I was young we were side by side
Through thick and thin she held my hand
As I grew I changed, I was hardened
But she stayed just the same
I grew into a man and changed into a jerk
But she loved me like only the best mommy can
I drifted along the road and lost my way
But she was still at my side, she still holds my hand
The fleeting world has taken its toll on me
Life’s curveballs have kicked me in the face
Mistakes have created a torrent of shame
Misused trust has caused me to fly from love
Still today the scars of lashings bleed
But she bandages my heart
Her love surmounts all of the pain
She has mended my wounds and cradled me
I hate to think of who I’d be without her
I love to remember all the times we shared
And how she has forced me into growth
Unbeknownst to her, I truly admire her
Her strength is something Sampson couldn’t match
We’ve had our disputes and our tumbles
We’ve bickered and yelled
In hindsight it was pure foolishness
I wish I would have been closer
I wish I could appropriately display my love
I wish I could give her a hug just for a moment
But life has torn us apart as it does so often
And now is my time to grow
So that when I return I can be a man
A man that she can depend on (aside from dad)
A man that can be there when life is hard
A man that can appreciate her love
A son that can respect his mother
A son that can give his mom a gift money can’t buy
A son who can finally show his mommy how much he loves her
(Which is a lot)

Absurd

2009-05-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

Something so amazing, so ridiculous
It can’t be fathomed fully by man
Can’t be founded emotionally by women
Understanding is aloof from all we study
Workers toil and musicians play
The melody never succeeds to display
The buildings never cease to dismay
Fear and trembling lead only to pain
Running leads down the ample path
While the children play on the narrow
Gold is piled in the banks until it hits the moon
All because we cannot understand
We are so deaf, so numb
To something so completely insane
So adventurous and full of pain
So much life resides within such death
So much freedom lies in bondage
Such a paradox is not complex at all
Such an enigma so easily solved
If it were as plain as day
We’d hide in the night
If it were a delectable goodie
We’d stick with our sardines
Such emancipation cannot be free
It must be paid for, like everything in our lives
So we bust out our wallets
We call for the check
But we missed the meal
We missed the point
We missed the grace
For all it takes is a breath
And then, freedom.

Headlong Into Growth: An Update on May 6th, 2009

2009-05-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

The sailing back to existence was short lived. A lot of people got seasick, but I remained healthy. As we arrived into Belfast, Northern Ireland, I saw that this place is really as green as I have been told. We pulled safely into the harbour after a long time to get the lines right, and then immediately had a container of books that we had to get inside. This, along with the normal setting up of the gangways, didn’t take all day, and we even got off a little early. This gave me the opportunity to get out into town early and do a little exploring.

A group of us went out after dinner to see what the town had to offer to the eyes. The town is gorgeous, and there is a lot of history here. During the short walk, we stumbled by many old buildings and some gorgeous University campuses. Parts of the town seem to come straight from an older WWII movie, with the apartment complexes looking like they haven’t changed in 70 years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to go back to some of those spots during the days yet, but I still have a few days left here.

On Wednesday, I had a chance to do something out of the box. I had an experience day that day, but wasn’t on any of the lists for events. So I took the opportunity at breakfast when a few people were talking of a Pastors breakfast event in which they needed help. I jumped at the opportunity (partly because if I didn’t, I’d have to work) and the next thing I knew I was a host for a local pastor. I met him (his name escapes me) while I was about to get breakfast and we exchanged greetings and kind of awkwardly stumbled into a conversation about how I liked it here. As we ate we talked about where we were coming from, what to do in Belfast, sports (of course), and other things. This man was one of the nicest guys I have talked to, and I only wish I had better conversational skill so that we could have talked more. One thing that hit me big was when he nonchalantly mentioned the passing of his wife a year ago. He seemed so at peace with God, and was perfectly fine talking about it. I couldn’t imagine the pain he experienced, as she battled with cancer prior to her death. Yet, after such a battle, this man was still on fire to show God’s love to people. Amazing.

I did get out on a couple more solitary adventures (mostly out of randomness mixed with impatience) and got to see more of the city. The pastor I mentioned earlier had told me that wall murals are a popular thing here, and I was able to experience this first hand, as all over the walls of the city are these beautiful works of art. Some may call them graffiti but I honestly love this form of art more than most. I also had a chance to finally go see a castle, which ended up not being much of the fortress I had always dreamed of; instead it was turned into a ridiculously expensive restaurant and antique shop. It was still a beautiful site, and sometime in the near future, my Facebook will have pictures of most of the things I’ve written about.

God has been at work in me as of late (since I decided to come actually), and lately I have been focusing on my own maturity. I am trying to learn how to put God before my struggles and shortcomings, but also to be fully comfortable with whom He made me. I have started to read another book which helps me grasp what my feeling a little more. I could dismiss the book as just “another guide to being a real man”, but I feel that learning how to use the tools God gave me is a huge part in the whole maturation process. I am trying to learn how to be passionate about things I love, since for so long I have tried to drain my life of passion this is proving quite difficult. I feel as though I am moving in a good direction at least, and have felt a peace and confidence I can’t explain. Thank God for this opportunity.

The Edge of Existence: Update on April 27, 2009

2009-04-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote an update I was yet ignorant to the splendor of what I like to think of as the edge of the western world (not geographically). Little glimpses could be caught of this glory as we sailed into harbor in Torshavn (which translates to Thor’s Haven or Harbor) and probably had the largest crowd this ship has seen for a welcoming. We also were able to go on a tour of the islands while we would have normally sat anchored just outside of Torshavn (I later found out that the fuel was paid for by a local). This all was given to us from a town of 20,000 people and a country of only 48,000! Little did I know that this was only the start of an amazing adventure on the edge of civilization.

Being on watch the first few days, I didn’t get to experience a whole lot. Sign up lists for on shore events were filled basically right as they were put up as our crew was desperate to get off of the ship. We were also forewarned of the hospitality of the Faeroes, which may have motivated some of us to try and get out more. Unfortunately I experienced little more that meeting a couple of kids the first few days (more on that later), but on my first off day I had an adventure that I will never forget.

It all started with a push from some friends. Like I had previously stated, I was too late to sign up for things all week, and this included a huge day on Monday (which is most everybody’s off day) which was an opportunity to go see the town a little better. This included many different things, and fortunately there was plenty of space for me to jump on one of the trips. We started by hiking around Torshavn to a nearby mountain (they are hard to miss here) then proceeding to hike around it. Our leader was a man whose name I can only pronounce as “Berger”, and was from a nearby town. He told us all about the history of the city, and the country. I rather enjoyed the history, and we even saw a restored ancient Viking ship (they founded the Faeroe Islands), and were told a story of some thieves.

When we made it through the towns, we were with nature herself. A couple of us climbed higher than the rest (almost on accident, but also because of pride) and got a glimpse of what surrounded us. I told the guys around us that if I were ever fortunate enough to write a book that this would be how I’d describe the edge of the world. The picture I have posted with this blog post is from this point. The reason I felt like I was at the edge of the world was probably because of the abrupt end to the mountains falling to the endless sea that commanded the horizon. The regality of the scene took my breath away.
After more walking around the mountain, with beautiful landscape to one side, and a rocky slope to the other, we stumbled upon a town, our destination. The place made me feel as though we had abandoned civilization for our own utopia in the middle of Asgard (had to use a Norse allusion). The green of the grass that rolled down the hill it sat upon and into a sea so beautifully blue and pure that it seems heaven isn’t so far. The few houses seemed to hold ghosts, and the silence was enough to put one to sleep. Apparently this town was rather important, as it held a few historic places. There was an old cathedral that was being built during the Middle Ages, but was never finished due to a massive loss of money as an effect of the black plague on Europe, and the Faeroe Islands. Also, this was the childhood growing place of a famous king that led the Faeroes away from paganism more towards Christ. It also had the oldest church that is still used today as a church in Europe. A lot of History in such a small place, so different from where we come from!

After the tour of the town we went back to Berger’s house for an early dinner. We were served infinite portions of pita bread along with all the things to go inside, salad, fruit, chips, juice, and other things. This was all topped off with a nice glass of tea and a delicious dessert. After this we were taken back to the ship barely able to move any more, but the day had just begun. After letting our stomachs settle down from all of the excitement, four of us embarked on a trek to find the swimming pool that was free to Ships Company. We eventually stumbled upon it and were able swim for 45 minutes and jump off all of the diving boards and things. We also used the sauna for 15 minutes. This was a nice experience, since it had been a while since I was able to swim. After the pool, we returned home once again just to leave a little bit later. We spent the rest of the night stuffing our faces (again) with pizza, and hanging out with some locals.

When we returned from the pizza extravaganza (I also tried whale meat, blubber, and rotten lamb, and I would never recommend any of these “delicacies”) I was surprised to see a foreign van just outside of the ship. Apparently, a man named Leif Erik has a ministry in the Islands that consists of taking things that are of little or no value to their original owner, and giving them to those who may need them. This guy was at our ship at least once a day giving us everything from bread and pastries to shirts and shoes. We also had some people from a local bakery give us their leftovers from the day every night. I think most of Ships Company gained about 12 pounds while we were in the Faeroes.

The kids I had previously mentioned seemed to never leave the ship. While we were in Torshavn, they were there literally every day, usually right after school until we closed at 11 pm. I was able to hang out with them often, and played basketball and a little bit of football. They made a bunch of friends here, and they are just a couple of many kids who spent a massive amount of time here. Both of them also want to come back to the ship when they graduate from school.

We set out from Torshavn after a week of bliss and blessings on Thursday to head to the nearby town of Klaksvik, which was a town of about 4,000. In this port, I honestly didn’t get out for as much sight-seeing as I’d like, but that was my fault. I did get involved in quite a bit of sport though. On Friday, a team of us headed out for volleyball at 9:30 but unfortunately things weren’t as we expected and we ended up just playing within our own group. That was okay, and we did talk to a few people from the area, but we didn’t get to play against them. On Saturday I had a busy afternoon. It was a day off, so I had the chance to sleep in until 1:30 before eating, and then hanging out with those same kids (they followed us to Klaksvik). At about 4:00 or so, I was asked if I’d like to play soccer and I agreed, since I wasn’t doing much anyways. We left and played for about three hours, from about 5 until close to 8. When I got back I ate and rested for I knew what loomed in the future. At 11:30 we went out for a prearranged night of basketball. This was an absolute blast, and ended up playing 5 on 5, with one girl each. It was basically Ships Company versus the locals, and what a time we had. We played until close to 2 am, and then came back and I was finally in bed by 3.

After a rather uneventful Sunday afternoon, we started work at 9:30 pm in preparation to leave by 12:15 am. Many of our officers thought this would be impossible but we proved them wrong. I worked with loading the cars onto the ship with the crane the whole time, which was rather fun. As we left the port, there was a large crowd of people singing and praying for us, with a band playing even. Just one last blessing before we left. As we pulled out of the harbor, the air was filled with the cheers and honks of horns, and with fireworks. You were a blessing Faeroe Islands, but now it’s time to get back into the real world.

Rock ‘n Roll: An Update for April 17, 2009

2009-04-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

Here’s a quick poll: Who has heard of the Faeroe Islands before? I know I have never heard of them until I heard of OM Ships, then I went online to see what they looked like. They seemed pretty cool, and I was pretty intrigued by them. Well, here I am, anchored just outside of Torshavn, which is the capital of the Faeroes. They are quite pretty, but I wonder why in the world people would have ever first come here. The first thought I had of them as I walked up to the top of deck nine was, “Man, they’re just a bunch of big rocks!” We haven’t been able to get into port yet, but the sight of this place is awesome. There are only two islands that are plainly visible to me, each the size of about the greater Port Huron area. The population is whole of the islands is only about 45,000 people, of who care 98% claimed Christians (maybe it’s just a fad). The city we’re anchored outside of (Torshavn) is only about 20,000 people big, and it shows. The houses are spread thin and there isn’t a whole lot of space to be used. From here, it looks as if there isn’t a whole lot of commercialism, which is good because the temptation to spend money will be less. I’ll find out more details when we go into the port in about 4 hours.
The sail here was as smooth as a baby’s bottom, and God is to be praised for that. I came to the conclusion that I don’t really want rough seas (I had previously wished for rough seas) because getting seasick would ruin any fun that the waves would be. We were rolling quite a bit because the stabilizers weren’t out to stop us, but the sail here was like driving through Kansas; nothing was in sight. Miles upon miles of sea surrounded us and nobody was around (during my watch at least) to even look at. This didn’t take away from the peace that the sea seems to offer, and the comfort in realizing how much bigger God is, and how much he loves us. I mean, if he made something so massive as the sea and all the creatures in it, but chose to offer only us salvation, then we’re pretty darn special.
Saying goodbye to Scotland was sad, but I’m sure that I’ll go back someday, because it was an awesome place. As we sailed away I felt gloomy, but still excited that I would go to a new place. The last week in Scotland was built of a couple of E-days (after my break for camping) and some more walks around the town. It was truly a beautiful place, and a blessing to go to: Now to go explore the rock.

Wet and Wild: A Rather Lengthy Update on April 8th, 2009

2009-04-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

The mooring into our berth in Scotland was something rather unexpected for me, and was a blessing. As we waited in the lock before the harbor, we could see the shopping mall next to where we’d be staying the next two weeks, and it looked empty. As we sailed closer we could hear a faint roar of cheers that was coming from our welcoming party. When we were ready to attach our ropes we caught full view of what was happening, and it was awesome. There was a worship band playing and hundreds of people were there cheering. This commotion went on until the customs had released us to let people on and off, but I couldn’t be a part of anything because as a deckie, we were forced to work until 8:30 at night until everything we needed was in place.
Scotland has been a place I have wanted to visit for years and years, and finally, by some astounding grace, I have arrived. This is a place that I could learn to love and nothing but the weather has been a negative here. The first few days were sunny and high 60’s, then fog set in for a day, and now I ha vent seen much of the sun in a while, but that’s nothing that could taint my visit. The first night here, in fact every night here, I went for a walk in the city. The city of Leith/Edinburgh is a beautiful town with a lot of old buildings. The people are pretty nice too and are sometimes very hospitable (I need not mention how amazing their accents are). It’s safe to say that Scotland is what I had hoped for thus far. I even had a chance to try Haggis, and it wasn’t nearly as disgusting as I thought it would be; I actually kind of enjoyed it. One evening I had a chance to explore the town by myself and ended up walking around looking at the scenery for 3 or 4 hours. I traveled past most of the commercialism and the industry to a boardwalk of pure green where you could see some small mountains and a bridge. People were playing soccer (not quite America) and having fires and enjoying the sun. This whole experience was so exciting and peaceful.
The day of ministry we get to experience was such a blessing here too. I was told to do tours, and was a little bit nervous at first, but the people here really made them fly by. I got to talk with so many different people, and like I mentioned, Scottish people are awesome. A few people even sounded very intrigued with joining. One guy worked at a refinery close by and asked so many different questions and seemed very excited. I think he may join some day.
As some of you may know, I had been planning a camping trip in the lowlands for a few days, which is now part of my past. I thank God so much for this experience and wouldn’t take it back. It all started by a water purification place…
On Monday night we set off from Leith into the wonderful nature that Scotland has to offer. We were dropped off on a one lane road and walked up a hill and through a forest and ended up camping on the edge. Luckily, the moon was bright because we were rather late in getting there. The night went by quickly, and the main problem was that we couldn’t start a fire (Great Britain is wet after all), so we just set up our tarps and laid down for our rest. The starts were shining trough and all was silent except the faint whispers of us guys. I was so excited and happy that I couldn’t fall asleep, but eventually the silence lulled me to sleep. We woke to a grey skies and cold weather. After a quick breakfast we headed out on what would turn into a long adventure.
After a quick march over the bare hills, we ended up coming to another forest. We found a path in it and took it through. This was not a wild forest for all the trees were in rows. This is what most of the forests we would come across would be. This made the trail easy to stick to and offered us a nice grassy path that was relatively dry. At the edge of the forest we came out to a little pond/ reservoir that seemed to be a popular spot for people to come to by the amount of trash lying around. Then we walked along the road the led towards our final destination. Morale at this point was very high, as the almost mythical sun poked out a few times. The road we walked upon was littered with sheep pastures and not much more. Eventually we came upon a logging company whose path cut right where we needed it to, and ventured on in that direction. After a quick lunch we hastily cut through the wooded road. When the road ended, we pressed on through the forest. This was one of the most challenging exploits, but also one of the most rewarding. We were forced to plow through the branches of what seemed a natural forest and to follow little streams. This meant that our shoes and socks all got soaked, but it wasn’t a big problem. The forest was as green as they come, the floor was covered with a spongy type of plant (not moss) that I wished we could sleep on, and all of the pine trees with gloriously green. Little streams made their way through the forest, and made a mess of mud. Once we were liberated of the tight forest we came upon a rather large stream (or small river) that led us in the direction of another road. We cut through somebody’s land (I know it was strange for me) with no problem, and made our way to the edge of another forest. There we found shelter for the night and built up our tarps once again for sleep. We did get a fire started and finally had a chance to eat some of our cans of food we brought. After a long day we all lay down at 7:30 pm for bed, and the worst night of my life.
That evening it started to rain, and it didn’t stop for the rest of our trip. During the night we realized our tarp had some small holes in it, and most of us found out how vulnerable our sleeping bags were to constant water. I was hit the worst as I had a puddle build up in my sleeping bag and all of the clothes I was wearing were eventually soaked. This made sleep very difficult, as to sleep I had to be away from the puddle, and the only way to do that was to sleep on my side, which when my leg fell asleep I would wake up. I also had a night full of dreams, and often times I was sad that they weren’t reality when I woke up to the nightmare of a soaked bag and clothes. At one point I even thought that I was going to get hypothermia.
The final awakening I had was a rather good one because the sun was finally out to give us a new day. The rain had calmed down, but not ceased, and I was freezing! When I managed to climb out of my bed and find my boots I ran out of the tent and ripped off all three shirts I was wearing. This felt so relieving and I was feeling better.
We set out pretty late, and were going to try and avoid the top of the hills, but this failed. We ended up climbing a hill directly above where we camped, and at the top we saw the glory of Scotland. We also saw rain whipping at us almost sideways, but that was no big deal. I was soaked anyways, and my hands were something like the hands of a drowned corpse. All day, in fact, my hand remained white and pruned. After the hill we ventures into the cover of another forest and wandered along a path there for a few hours. Eventually we reached the muddy end of the path and it took us to yet more hills. These hills were all wet (everything was) and the rain had not stopped. We traversed the hills and crossed some more streams trying to remain as dry as possible at first, and then gaining apathy towards the dryness of our bodies and clothes. At the end of the hills and a small valley lay our seemingly biggest challenge yet; a cliff. The danger had frightened a few of our group of seven, but we eventually went for it. The descent took no more than an hour, and no injuries had happened. Looking back up we saw just how dangerous it actually was, and praised God for keeping us safe. This was probably the most fun I had the whole time, as I was definitely challenged to keep a foothold and to use my numb hands. When we reached the edge of the hill, we stopped and ate our last time. We then went toward another hill to try and catch a glimpse of where we had ended up, and at the top we were caught by surprise. From a rather far distance we caught a sight of Loch Lomond, and it was beautiful. This was our original destination, but we bags and clothes hindered us from fully reaching it. We then finished up our journey through a last forest valley and yet another farmers property, and finally on the highway next to a wall built in the 1300’s. We ended in a city called Killearn, and at a tavern. There we contacted our ride back to the ship and ate hot food. It took a while for our driver to come, so we bought some drinks and sat around watching Soccer on TV (still not into it). I also finished the adventure by starting a new book and reading my bible with a glass of the local scotch. Praise God for his provision and his hand in keeping us healthy and safe!

A Matter of Heart: Update on March 30, 2009

2009-03-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

As I write to you, oh faithful supporters, we sail the seas en route to a place that I have dreamt of since my younger days. We are finally sailing into the UK starting with Edinburgh, Scotland. The past week and a half have flown by in a blur, but I will try to slow them down and make it tangible to you who weren’t here to experience the port of Scheveningen.
The first week was just a matter of adjusting to a new place that was much larger than our previous port. Also, we had many more events lined up for the locals and had a lot we could do. I spent a day on Deck 4 trying to give tours, but it was during a slow time, and nobody came for a tour from me (I’m sure I’ll have plenty of opportunities to give tours in the future). Aside from that, I spent some time just going out into the town and enjoying my time, while talking to a few locals.
Accidents happen every day and especially when one doesn’t do things as they should. This was the case for me a week ago last Friday, as I took a nice spill that still has me sore. I was cleaning the funnel with a ladder, just finishing the base, when my ladder slipped out from under me and I somehow landed on my chest first. The breath was stolen from my lungs, and I was very scared. I ended up okay, just sore and feeling stupid.
Last Thursday was one of the longest days of work I’ve ever experienced, as we had a total of four full trucks of food arrive to the ship. It took us around 13 hours to get all of the food put away, partially because of the 40 knot winds. We had to crane pallet after pallet down into the ship, where others took them into the food stores and unpacked them. This was a long process, and I ended up outside the whole day in the rain and wind. We finally finished at 11 pm with everything, and I already knew I was going to be sick, which I am still fighting a cold… again.
This past weekend I was sent overnight on a church team to a town famous for its cheese; Gouda. We were sent to help an evangelistic church with an event they were putting on called “NL God Loves You”. This was an open air thing in the middle of the market of the town. They had music, skits, and a lot of dances. Unfortunately, we weren’t prepared enough to take part in any of the events, and our skills hadn’t been matched with each others. We did have a crash course on making balloon animals and swords, which proved to be incredibly useful. We had children drawn to us asking for swords and dogs and flowers while we handed out candy with little pages about Jesus. This was a blast as I really enjoy kids, and just seeing how happy they get from simple things.
Aside from that event we attended about 4 different services during the weekend, and heard familiar tunes of worship songs, but the words were Dutch. This of course made things more difficult the whole weekend, as a lot of the congregation didn’t seem to want to talk with us. The church we attended also had a special event on Sunday where a TV pastor gave the sermon and it was being recorded and broadcast. My attitude about this was less than perfect, as I have a negative view of televangelists. The whole experience was awesome, and the hospitality we received was great. I was a little unreceptive of the church, unfortunately, because I am much more conservative than they were, but I still enjoyed my time away.

Adventure: An Update for March 18, 2008

2009-03-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

The sail to my current port was a relatively smooth one that inflicted minimal casualties to seasickness, I remained clean. The sail only lasted about 18 hours, and quite a bit of that was time we were anchored outside of Scheveningen. The anchorage was cool because it was a point that was almost like a parking lot for ships, and at night there were lights from ships all around us; about 10-12 different ships.

The next day started with mooring stations fairly early in the morning, and then I was on watch straight away at 1 when we finally finished mooring into the quay side. We are in a rather strange place, as we had to turn 90 degrees to fit into our new berth. The place couldn’t be a whole lot better for letting people see us, as we are right by the beach front, and across from some popular stores such as DC Shoes.

The town we are in is beautiful and is only a short walk away from den Haag (popular spelling in English may be Hague). I spent last Monday walking around The Hague just enjoying company of my fellows. The rest of the city is like something from the coast of Florida or California, and includes many different types of expensive tourist traps. The beach is literally lined with restaurant/bar one after the other. And all of them are way too pricey for a poor old missionary. Beyond the first strip of commercialism are lines of apartment buildings and stores. Basically, it is a fairly typical big city, but much quieter and reeks of marijuana pretty often.

Work has been great, and today was an awesome experience. On our ship, you may have seen pictures of the funnel up on top of the ship. It is on the very top of the ship and is basically the exhaust pipe for our ship. Well, today a few of us were cleaning the side of it by hanging what we call a stage over the side and climbing down on a rope ladder. We had all the safety equipment and all was okay. This job was awesome!

A Foot in the Water: Update for March 8, 2009

2009-03-07T17:35:00.000-08:00

As a whole load of kids filled what us crew here jokingly call “Lifeboat 7” I stood observing a new culture that seemed to be an extension of home; the difference was in the language they spoke. This past Tuesday I was working on our visitor deck as a ministry day and we had a lot of children come. Our set up teams managed to get schools to pay the ship a visit while we’re around here in our second week in Harlingen, the Netherlands. I was fortunate enough to be able to share my testimony with two or of these groups in our Lifeboat Theatre, which is part of our Deck Four experience, but that’s not what affected me most.

One of the guys here (whose name I will withhold) has an incredible testimony of drug abuse and attempted suicide. The whole point of his testimony is that God looks in the inside, and not our appearances. I am not very close to this guy, but his testimony is very good, and so was one of the kids’ responses. In front of his whole class he told his teacher that “Jesus looks on the inside and loves the person, not the looks”. The boldness and unashamed love of this kid struck me almost like a coup de tat. In hindsight, I can draw a lot of personal attention to this, and how I can be so timid at times, while this little kid didn’t blink under the social pressure of his peers, who may not have even been Christians! Truly a child-like love is unhindered and fearless and this is why we are urged to love like children.

Like I said earlier, these kids were like something from home (except with way different clothes and hair styles) in how they acted with each other. They chased each other around madly and just had a blast with each other. I remembered that no matter how loud and, at times, annoying kids can be, they are awesome! I really can’t wait until I am able to raise my own one day, and I hope I do as good as my father and his father before him did! I can also pray that my wife is able to do half as well as my mother did with us! I don’t know where I’d be without them walking me along the bumpy road full of mistakes and love. I love you guys, know that always.

On Tuesday we sail to Scheveningen (which when said properly sounds like one is hacking up a fur ball) in the Netherlands for 2 and half weeks or so. This port is supposed to be much busier for us because it’s quite a bit larger. After that port we set sail to Edinburgh, Scotland, which is a place I have wanted to go for a really long time, and also the childhood home of Pastor Peter. I love this whole traveling thing!

Blur of Activity: Update for March 1st, 2009

2009-03-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

Since the voyage to Sweden the pace of life on the ship has quickened tenfold. After a ling project mode, things are setting up to be as busy as many ex-ships people have described; busy. Everyone seems to be doing something all the time. A lot of my time in Sweden was spent just hanging out with friends and growing close to people in relationships I had never really seen blossoming as much as they have. I thank God for all the people put around me, and I am very content with my life at this stage.

Sweden was beautiful, something out of a fairy tale of the north. The city of Goetteberg was a rather large town, and was incredible gorgeous. The architecture was old medieval and there were a few different cathedrals around the town. There was one I did get to go into that was Lutheran, and was just huge and had gold everywhere. I also went to a Pizza Hut, but not an American Pizza Hut. Here, apparently, Pizza Hut is a fancy-pants place to eat. There were three Americans dressed in typical clothes, and we were surrounded by people in nice clothes. It definitely wasn’t the place that has arcade games and baseball parties. I spent every day out in Sweden and just explored the town, and even took some pictures!
After Sweden came the sail to where I currently sit writing, which is Holland. Again, since arrival in Harlingen I have again been exploring the town since arrival. The town is very cool, and very Dutch. Everyone has a bicycle and the buildings look like they were built just to confirm people’s view of the Netherlands as seen in movies and such. Canals run through the town and the roads and houses are all built of bricks. The people are nice and easy going, and things are way cheaper than they were in Denmark. There are also tons of sailboats sitting in the canals, and again everyone rides a bike.

Ministry has been pretty busy, and it has been hard to keep up with writing ministry, but we are still planning on releasing a publication shortly. We just need to figure out some things first. I was asked to do another skit yesterday and I said yes. It was fun, but I am still pretty shy on stage. This will be a growing process. The skit was performed to a youth event that came to the ship. I was the prophet Elijah when God told him to raise the bones, but a more humorous rendition. I think I will be asked to go on stage more than I ever thought, but again, time to grow!

The Long Awaited News-Weekly Update 20.2.09

2009-02-20T11:33:00.000-08:00

My home was shifting under my feet; or was it the land that was moving? No, for today was the day the many people that have joined to help here on the Logos Hope have worked so long and hard for: today we sailed! As we headed out of the harbor that... well harbored us for so long about 30 or more people waved and smiled and some even cried. The many lives we’ve affected in the past 7 months waved goodbye to an eager crew. Cheers echoed off of the surrounding buildings as the mooring lines were loosened, and snowballs were thrown between crew and pedestrian. This was really a joyous occasion and didn’t fail to disappoint as we are still sailing to Sweden as I write this.

As for me, it was a pretty hectic day. I had watch from 4-8 in the morning, and then enjoyed a quick breakfast to try and catch some sleep. I slept from about 8:30 until 2, when we were called together so that we could officially close the ship to people. We all were accounted for, and then were given until 3 o’clock to check into the mooring stations (only deck crew). I went and cleaned out my room in the aftermath of yet another roommate leaving, then search frantically for the proper clothes for mooring stations. I eventually found it, but I ended up missing pulling in all but two of the lines. I was assigned to help with the last of the lines though, and then waited on the foredeck to sail.

As we took off, the world seemed that it was the one moving and not us. It was just so strange that my immobile home of the past 5 months was moving! Eventually I got used to it though and enjoyed every minute regardless. The freezing weather wasn’t anything that made it more joyous, but it also didn’t take away anything from the experience. For the next half hour or so I watched the ship sail out onto the ocean and leave the city of Koge behind. Maybe one day, I’ll miss it, but for now I am so excited to be out of Koge.

After that I was back on watch at around 4:30 when the pilot left. I walked up into the bridge and all of the officers were on it chatting away about things beyond my understanding. I was explained what was around me and what I needed to look out for, then just watched the sea as we floated. Eventually I was able to drive the ship for about an hour and a half, which is a lot harder than I would have given it credit for. It’s definitely not like steering a Saturn!
Now I sit here at 3:30 in the morning restless and waiting for my watch to start in a half hour. I can’t wait until the sun rise…

A New Dawn

2009-02-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

There is something about sunrises that bring a measure of peace to my mind these past few days. As I watched the brand new red sun take its place among the clouds from my station on watch I felt at ease with the whole situation and world around me. At that time I had no idea that we would be sailing in 28 hours, and I didn’t care a whole lot though. As the sun rose from its slumber I felt a small fire being stirred in my soul.

At breakfast, I again felt an insurmountable peace with my surroundings and choices in life. This was gained in a somewhat new way to me, which was through conversation with my fellows. The funniest part of the whole situation was that the conversations weren’t about anything special at all, just our lives. It was after this that I decided to go for a walk to the beach to try and catch a glimpse more of God’s glory.

As I approached the beach singing songs of joy and thinking on things that have been in my mind for a while, I caught a quick glimpse of His glory. The beach was laden with ice and most of it frozen al the way through. There were a few different colors involved in the ice, as the thickness differed. This only made the whole scene more beautiful. I walked out to where the ice stopped and just drank the next scene into my soul.

Here is what I observed:

The water was calm and the sound f the sea was in the air. A light sound of waves collided with the silence that surrounded the beach on a cold winter morning. The frozen sand was reflecting the light of a new day as some clouds attempted to ruin the light. The sun proved stronger than the clouds and shone through them, and majesty poured out of the gaps that were in the cloudy covering. The clear horizon was painted a hue of orange and blue, and the edges of the clouds were carefully colored yellow. The sun blazed off of the sea and into normal sight as the light of a new day, a new chance, poured into every corner of my life.

As I looked on with eyes wide a word popped into my head, and with that word a string of words and phrases fell from the sky into my life. “Nothing” was the word that started this string of thinking. If one were to see me at that moment they may have thought I was either crazy, or something funny had happened, but it hadn’t, I was just incredibly happy.

“Everything I’ve done is nothing.” I whispered as I grinned ear to ear.

“All of the stupid things I have done mean nothing.” I laughed as tears welled up in my eyes.

That is grace to me. As we go along in life, we screw up all the time, as I have done plenty, but our God gives us undivided grace in all that we do. He is always there to remind us that, yes it was stupid, but it doesn’t matter! We have been washed clean for such a small price to us, but such a huge price to Him. God reminds us that our freedom is easily within our grasp, and all we need to do is observe the mighty way in which we have been saved. Nothing can hold the grace back from us; nothing.

New Shipping Address

2009-02-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

(Your Name)
LOGOS HOPE
Alte Neckarelzer Str. 2
74821 Mosbach, Germany

Since we are leaving Koge soon, if you have anything you would like to send, this is where to send it. Thanks!

Weekly Update: A Long Awaited Word, and Matters of the Heart

2009-02-13T05:56:00.000-08:00

I know the news everybody is waiting for is on our readiness for sailing and the next ports we will head to. I am proud to report that we are one step closer, as the surveyor came on board yesterday to finish checking things for the PSSC, and we passed all of his expectations. This means that the PSSC is within our grasp, and all we need to do now is pass one more audit on the hardware of the ship. This is called the ISM audit, and will take place on Monday. Leadership is confident that this will be obtained, and the rest of Ships Company is very excited.

The next answer I can attempt to provide is the where question. We plan on heading to Sweden for our first sail, and plan on trying to fix the kinks of a first sail, and on training the past two PST’s on sailing. After a couple weeks in Sweden we would like to sail to the Netherlands for another couple week stay in a town outside of Amsterdam. This would then be followed by the UK tour with stops in all five of the countries there in towns such as Edinburgh, London, Cardiff, Belfast, and others. I have also heard rumors of a trip to the Faroe Islands in the future to show a good number of workers and supporters that live there the finished, or nearly finished, ship. All of these places are very exciting to think of visiting, and Ships Company is ridiculously excited for this, as am I.

Beyond all this chaos, life has been very good with me. Today I am off, and went on a walk (maybe my last in Denmark) to the ocean and just reflected on my time here, and how much I have enjoyed my decision to come. I also realized that in these posts, I very rarely discuss my spiritual life (without symbolism) which is so very pivotal in my time on board. The fact is that my growth has been vast, but I still not where I’d like to be, and I am so far from perfect. At home it was so easy to live in a luke-warm fashion. Here it is the opposite of what my mind wants. This is where I run into problems, my mind gladly follows God (most of the time), but my heart is wild. I am truly a romantic at heart and it is easy for me to get caught up in a lot of earthly things. My heart has chased selfish pleasure and fulfillment since I was young, and now this is my toughest battle. I fight the desires of a dark heart and try to fill it with the only love that will make it satisfied, but often it is so hard to love one who hides himself in everything we see. I see the beauty of this world, and the people in it, and say that is God himself, but in my heart I love the world and the things in it. The first step to dealing with this problem has been realization of it. I am on my way.

I have realized a whole lot about myself in my time away from all the “stuff” back home, the ugly and the nice, but more the ugly. I realized how dark I can be and that my heart has undoubtedly become harder than I would wish it to. More realizations have hit me, but one always strikes home; the absolute fullness of Grace. It covers up all of my foolishness and pride, and is my only hope in life these days. My youth was squandered on a fool’s quest for self -fulfillment, and now the realization of these things could tear me apart, but I can’t afford to be torn when God’s grace is so darn prevalent in this world. Praise God for his unhindered love.

Arrivals and Changes: Weekly Update for February 4, 2009

2009-02-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

This past week (yesterday to be accurate) marked some changes to the ship culture with the arrival of PST Birkedal. This makes PST Koge sophomores, and also means that we have been on board for five months. The arrival of the new PST was a joyous occasion put together by our own PST and was a blast. I was uncharacteristically involved in two things, and even more unlike me had to be on stage for both events.

The first was a skit that Clayton and I agreed to write and perform for the new PST. It was a skit on our expectations for the new PST which were purposely lofty. I am hoping that it was recorded so I can out it up here within the next few weeks. People enjoyed our skit, and the future may hold more sarcastic hits from us two. The second event I partook in was a game that was modeled after a Dating Game, but was made appropriate for the SP rules and for the ship. I was asked how I felt of my bosses and I offered a somewhat arrogantly sarcastic answer.

We also did a prayer tunnel that all of the new PST walked through as current ship’s company prayed for them. Being on the other side of this was pretty cool as I had the chance to do for them what others had done for me. After this the traditional Scottish kay lie dancing happened, which was as fun as always. Then the night ended on a high note for a lot of people, and we succeeded to astonish the new PST, much more to come.

Weekly Update January 31, 2009

2009-01-31T07:54:00.000-08:00

The PSSC wasn’t all it could be as they inspected things unseen
From right to left they left a mess
Turned our hopes inside out and in return we became stout
Things that needed doing were done and in the end it almost felt like we won
I was in the control station manning a nation
Busy busy a rush of dizzy; a flurry of furries; a sighting of lightning!
In and out my throat was a drought and my brain a bout
But through the fire and mire I crawled into the choir

Ok, enough rhyming, I got it out of my system, sorry. Basically, the PSSC didn’t go very well at first, but towards the end it was okay. We are very close, and within the next couple weeks the surveyors are coming back to finish up some inspection on a few unchecked items. So for now, we remain uncertified. I was on watch and during the day I was on the Bridge (Central Control Station) and there were a ton of people in and out of there. The surveyors even spent a whole day up there doing things which I don't know how to explain because I don't know what they were!The electricians were up there most of the time working on getting important things done such as the fire door system and the VDR (a hard drive that stores all the little things about a voyage). I was also on the bridge during a drill and had to page the whole ship to go to fight the fake fire, and then help coordinate the people going to fight the fire.

I have been fighting a cold all week too, and it’s not a whole lot of fun, but that’s life! The cold kind of took away a lot of motivation to do things early in the week, but come Tuesday I was back to Swing Dance and Basketball on Wednesday. I am feeling way better the past couple of days. Thanks for the prayer and support through this past week, and please continue to pray that our ship gets the certificates so we can sail soon!

Weekly Update for January 24, 2009

2009-01-24T03:55:00.000-08:00

The past week has flown by so fast I barely know what to write. This weekend I had training to help me lead writing ministry on Saturday and then met with Clayton to discuss some aspects of the ministry. We came up with a few ideas, but beyond that it is hard because we haven’t had our first publication, and that is our main focus as a group. We did come to the decision that it would be a good idea to hold another meeting (so we meet every week) with a focus of improving our writing skills.

After a restful Sunday, I began the week working in the garbage room. I’ll be honest, I was not excited in the least bit to be doing that again, and my attitude was awful. That changed as my job took more form and Mikeal (from Sweden) and I couldn’t take out all of the trash because of a lack of space in the dumpster, which gave us the opportunity to paint. On Tuesday we received some help in the garbage room and then were charged with the task of assembling the gangways that weren’t being used. This took all week and we still didn’t quite get finished. A lot of work can be poured into these things, as I now know. Our fist sailing trips could be very hard, but that’s life!

Now I am on watch for this week of the long awaited PSSC, and feel like a cold might be approaching. Please pray for the ship during the PSSC week and that we can be a light to the surveyors.

Weekly Update January 16, 2009

2009-01-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

This week started out pretty good. On Sunday, I had an Experience day that I honestly wasn’t looking forward to. We were to have training at 3 until 5 and then my event didn’t start until 6:45, and it said it was going to go until 10 o’clock! I thought that I’d be getting home really late and I was already very tired. I haven’t been sleeping well since Fire-rounds for some reason, maybe the late schedule, but I think it is deeper than that. Anyways, the event we would be attending was in a Christian school and it was the start to a week of prayer here in Koge. It was a rather short service in Danish, and a short sermon by pastor Toby from a church we know in Koge. After that we went into groups to pray for all sorts of things. We prayed for the city of Koge, the country of Denmark, the Ships’ ministry, the leadership of our home countries, the PSSC, and more. It was a good time to realize how much of an impact our ministry here has made, but also to look to the future. This ministry will touch millions of lives, and it has started far before this ship will sail.
With that being said, I think that Satan is really working against us getting our certificate to sail in the next week or two. We need prayer, and we need it bad. A lot is going wrong and people are stressing out as usual. Please pray that we will be able to get everything in order for the upcoming exam of our ship and that if we fail (again) that we will be patient.
Prayer is what we need, and prayer we took place in. On Monday, we had a day of reflection and prayer. Some people had it off and were charged the task of keeping prayer in their breath and just spending time with God. I participated in the morning as I was awake at 5 am, and went on a run at 6. I talked to God and just felt peaceful and passionate. That didn’t last all day though, as I grew very tired as the day went on. At 4 pm was a time of prayer for the Deck, Engine, and Project departments. This was good as it gave us a chance to unite and pray for each other. I fell asleep at 7:30 that night and didn’t wake until 3:30 am, and I woke up wide awake.
On Tuesday night I got a nice workout as swing dance took its’ toll on my body. I am trying to learn harder moves since I was asked to take it more seriously. This means that soon I will have a partner, and be more involved, and hopefully get decent at it.
Tuesday night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time as the “plague” struck a blow to me. I was up all night with the worst stomach cramps I have ever had, and when I drank enough water I threw up. All night whenever I would drink too much water (which was only once more) I would puke, so I limited my water intake. The next day I went to the doctors and found out it is what everyone else had, just a bit later. I haven’t worked since then and have been in my bed for three days. Today I will try to emerge from my cave and maybe socialize a little bit.
Please remember to pray for the PSSC!

Reflection

2009-01-10T06:00:00.001-08:00

The Mirror shows only You
I look upon beautiful disaster
And how You twisted it into truth
How all my ugliness is burnt up
My folly into Your praise
And my tracks around this maze

It started with a kiss
Until I dig deeper into this
I find a gaping hole
A glass not even half full
My heart turned upside down
I stare at this with a frown

A stem from the same trunk
Leading to a dark chasm
A glorious vessel had sunk
To depths I couldn’t fathom
A piercing look cuts to the bone
Separates man from God
Puts the glass all alone
But fills the desert with sod

The mirror reveals another error
Another stem I need to mend
I blame the dog for my shame
I join the thieves of the coin
I act the same as the facts
Just another meat headed brother

A lion growls but doesn’t pounce
For it is in shackles
A tiny rodent takes his food; every ounce
Its’ cage is stronger
His roar is as dry as the bone he gnaws
The master cracks his whip
And the lion obeys

Just one time turned the clock
Ages passed and inhibitions dropped
Like a checklist of vileness
The pride in my full list
But the list caught on fire
As did my heart

The root of the tree is revealed
It leads to a river of bile
A sewer of vomit
The roots drink deeply from the pool
The tree grows and withers
But alas, it does not fall

The final glimpse in this pool of light
Is not quite right
It starts with a deep dark night
Then comes a final flash
And the tree becomes a pile of ash
And I am set in a new caste

Sorry All, the Real Weekly Update for January 7th

2009-01-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

I’m sorry to all who were worried, and looking back, this wasn't the best way to say what is going on here, at all! Really the "plague" I referred to is a sickness that is going through our tight community. About half of the ship threw up in the past 48 hours and I am not one of them. Apparently some of the water got mixed with some of the bad shower water, and this is the result. I didn’t really want this to be taken seriously, and now I know my limit. I am truly sorry to have caused any amount of concern; I am really doing well here. Your prayers are still appreciated, and next time I will definitely think twice about doing this, and to think I was going to let it go for two days!
Aside from the bug going around, this week has been good as I have been sleeping for 9-10 hours every day. I am on fire rounds from 11pm until 7 am, and sleep from then until dinner or just before. Maybe that’s why I came up with this idea, too much time to think as I spend 7 hours alone. One thing this week did catch my heart and make me cry though. On Tuesday morning at about 5 am, I got a surprise. I noticed a man coming toward the ship form a while away, and I figured it was a new arrival, but as he drew near, I was shocked to see his large beard! I still didn’t really understand who he was until he came up the gangway into our little watch room, and then it hit me. The smell alone gave away where he had been, as he was homeless. I wanted to help so badly, but alas I could do nothing. He wouldn’t say any words to me except “Can I go in?”, and I couldn’t let him in. As he walked away I thought to myself “He was Jesus” and cried at my failure to even offer him prayer, and be a little angry at the fact that we can’t help him. Maybe one day, the homeless will be welcome at all hours on board, but until then I must make do.
I am truly sorry for the joke I played, apparently my sense of humor is a bit too aloof for a lot of people. I am somewhat odd…

Weekly Update for January 2, 2009

2009-01-02T06:03:00.001-08:00

It is so strange to type 2009 in the date for this, but that’s how time goes. New Years Eve was a blast here on board. It opened with a semi-formal dinner (which means the girls dressed up) where we had Hamburgers and French fries and drank Egg Log (somebody made a spelling mistake on the sticker). After dinner was a service to reflect on our past year and to ask for blessings on our next year. The service had music and a few people spoke. After the Service was a time for fellowship with even more food and games if one wanted to play, but I just sat around and talked with people. At 11:45 most people went up to Deck 9 (the top of the ship) to count down to the New Year. At midnight, Koge went crazy, shooting off fireworks from every angle we could see. It was one of the most impressive things I have seen in my day, and will last in my memory. I don’t think I have ever seen a whole sky covered in fireworks, and maybe never will again.
After the Fireworks was a Scottish dancing time. We were taught all these funny dances, and a lot of them were fun. We twirled and spun, and some people even got aggressive. After that dance there was a party upstairs with more dancing. This time it was techno mixed in with some salsa. I didn’t dance a whole lot here, but I did make myself look like an idiot, which is usually fun. I finally hit my pillow around 3:30 or 4 am.
New Years day was uneventful for me as I slept in until 2 or 3. All that happened that is notable is a big LAN “party” where a bunch of people got together and played Battlefield 1942 with each other. There were around 20 of us playing together, and it was pretty fun.
Next week I am on Fire Rounds, which takes place from 11-7 during the time when everyone is sleeping. This means I will miss a lot of things that could happen, but oh well. Have a great start to 2009!

A Late Weekly Update December 29, 2008

2008-12-29T10:28:00.001-08:00

As you all know, Christmas was this weekend, and it was my first Christmas away from home. In all honesty, it didn’t quite feel like Christmas, as it was almost uneventful. The biggest absence in the season was all of my family and friends, and it was just odd not seeing all of them. It was fun though, don’t get me wrong. On Christmas Eve, I slept until about 12 or 1 and then laid around until the time came to get the animal off of my face by shaving. It took me about 2 hours to shave, and a half of an hour to put on my suit. It was the longest I can remember taking to get ready in my life, but then again my beard was quite large. After taming the beast was the famous dinner, and it was delightful. We had good steak with some vegetables and for dessert were cream puffs. After dinner there was a worship service, in which we sang a lot of carols and Christmas music. After that was some movie watching, and then bed! All-in-all, I had a good time on my first Christmas Eve away from home.
Christmas Day was even less eventful, I slept in again and then woke up for breakfast and continued to do nothing all day. This was surprisingly welcome in my life, and enjoyed doing nothing pretty thoroughly. Other than that, this week I have been painting and took a trip on Sunday to play some basketball with a few people. It was fun, but still no football! I can’t believe the Lions went 0-16! What a shame. A new year is right around the corner, as is my next update, so in case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!

Unmatched

2008-12-17T11:34:00.000-08:00

I was given a task last week to write a poem that may be read aloud at the next church service, as our PST is running the service, and here is what I produced.(If you are from the ship please refrain from reading it until after the service.)

One cannot write a more beautiful rhyme
An artist can’t paint a prettier picture
An inventor couldn’t dream higher
Nor could a commander inspire more
Just as I cannot express with these words
The love engrained into my very being
The concept is too high for me to know
Your face is woven with beauty
The same beauty you sent to earth
The exact beauty in every stroke
Every stroke of the brush used on my life
The beautiful tapestry you made me
Absence of you leaves a void
Beauty beyond measure
With no hope of true value
A precious stone cast into the sea
My mind can’t comprehend your ways
They are so foreign yet so lovely
One word is foremost in your creation
The world revolves around it
Men run after it like fools
It is our true desire
We can’t even dream of understanding it
But we feel hints of it
The love you pour into us is unmatched

Weekly Update: December 17, 2008

2008-12-17T10:27:00.001-08:00

This past week was a short one, with not much activity. On Saturday, I again was a part of the Christmas Around the World, but I played a different role. This week I was *forced* into being a Wise Man in our live nativity. The role wasn’t as bad as I first thought it would be, and I almost enjoyed it. I had a couple of lines I had to say every so often, and had to help look after a live sheep. The only problem was that the costume was far too small for me, and I could barely move my arms.

On Sunday, I participated in the American booth and passed out candy canes to visitors passing through. This was cool, and I got to talk to a bunch of Danish people and catch funny looks all for a couple of hours. It may have been this animal growing on my face called a beard. Speaking of beards, mine is looking extra large the past couple of days, as I got my hair cut yesterday, and cant trim my beard for a week. I get a lot of laughs when people see my new short hair and my huge beard, it’s pretty cool.

Weekly Update December 10, 2008

2008-12-10T10:37:00.001-08:00

This past week has been somewhat of a blur. The first memorable day to me was when I had a day off on Friday. I chose to do something instead of lying around the whole day, and went exploring. I got up and took off into the woods of Køge, and it was awesome. The woods here are not quite like woods at home. The woods here seem a little less wild, but all the more full of wonder. The density is not what it is back home, and less animals roam the forest, but this makes for more silence than one is used to. I felt like a kid again as my imagination went wild and I dreamt of the same things I did when I was a kid. I used to see myself as a ranger or rogue wandering the woods looking for artifacts or for evil to vanquish. This thought was furthered by a discovery for me; in the middle of the woods was a row of trees with a path splitting them. At the end of a path was a little round wall, and inside the wall were graves and a crypt. I think it was the coolest cemetery I have ever seen, and I wanted to get in and explore it, but it was locked.

Later on in my walk, I stumbled upon something stranger than I expected, even eerie. Beyond the crypt was an abandoned military compound, and a lot of the buildings were made like hills. The fence stood about 8 feet high and was barbed wired. I longed to climb the fence and explore the fort, but I was alone and had to get back.

The other notable thing that has happened this week is the development of the writing ministry and my role in it. Clayton and I are kind of heading it off, and we are meeting this Saturday to discuss our first project which is a publication of our talents, just to give the decision-makers ideas on how to best use our skills. Pray that the ministry will start and flourish, and for it to bring glory to God any way possible.

I Sleep with Demons and Dream of Angels

2008-12-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

I must rebel against my self
This damned being that lives with me
I sleep next to a monster
I kiss the mouth of a demon
At times I do fight with it
And tell it to leave just to let it back in
But I love the feeling of having it around
I can escape and I see that now
Yet my feet won’t move forward
I beat it into submission one day
Then nurse its bloody face the next
A fist followed by a kiss
Where lies the victory for me?
It lies in my true love
I don’t often see her, but I often feel her
She comes and graces my eyes
At times, she is all I think about
Her beauty is unmatched
Yet I sleep with this ugly whore
She seems so pretty when I draw near
But when I step back I see her ugliness
It just reminds me of your beauty
If only I was strong
For I am a juggler in a kings world
Only when I am around you
I feel so ashamed yet so in awe
You couldn’t be more perfect

Weekly Update: December 3, 2008

2008-12-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Weekly Update for December 3, 2008
This week has marked a few things for the ship. The most notable event has been the opening of our Christmas program entitled “Christmas around the World”. Thursday was our official opening, and we had a “V.I.P.” event here on board. The people who attended the event were people of fairly high stature, including a few different ambassadors living in Denmark. There were other guests that attended, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to them very much. I was the first person to welcome them to the ship as I was involved in the parking of our visitor’s cars. I basically told them where to park, and then welcomed them. There were about 100 people on board for that event.
The weekend marked the public opening for the “Christmas around the World” and most of us on board were involved. Saturday was the day of my involvement, and I was again one of the first people that visitors would see when they came on board. I manned a booth that was made to show what life on the ship was like. Nobody was very interested in this booth, mainly from the live nativity mere feet away. This nativity even had a live goat and a live sheep. A lot of people were intrigued by this, and I got to see it all day. I even saw the sheep defecate on the floor in the middle of a busy time.
On Monday, the ship also got a few containers full of food for the next couple of months, and it took all day to unload these monsters. There was a ton of food, and even some steak! It was a good day as it was different from what I usually do. I have been painting the rest of the week, and one major project (called the Steering Gear Room) is getting close to done. This Friday will mark the end of the second side-room, leaving a few things in the main room left to be completed. A lot of us are excited to be done with this room.
Another program that has started this week is a daily lesson on how to memorize the events and people of the Old Testament. The only problem with this is that it just runs through everything without explaining anything. I will continue to read the Old Testament on my own, and then proceed on through the whole bible. I appreciate all of you guys back home that enable me to be here, and please keep praying for me and my family.

Christmas Shortie

2008-11-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

The time usually gilded with glee
Is usually much more than you can see
A time symbolized by love and a tree
Always brings someone to their knees
The excitement of snow and love
Is sometimes shoved down from above
While the children’s faces shine bright
The abandoned try to slip out of sight

Weekly Update: November 27, 2008

2008-11-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

As thanksgiving fever hits full force back home, and excitement builds for this time of year, things here in Denmark are much different. Thanksgiving is not a worldwide holiday if, you didn’t know that, and on the ship, celebrations are slim. There will be no football or rest for most of us Americans this Thursday (the football part is more important to me). With that said, Christmas time is in full swing here on board the ship and in the town surrounding us. There are decorations up all over as the hype that surrounds this time of year is in full effect.
A lot has been completed on the ship even since I have arrived, and it is very exciting! Today the ship celebrated the opening of the International Café that is opened on our Experience Deck. This is a place for crew and visitors alike to meet and buy things such as Ice Cream, pop, snacks, and others. Also, the book fair has been basically completed (to my knowledge) as the cash registers have been put in. This gives people the chance to use credit cards, and prepares us for ministry that much more. The coolest part about the experience deck right now is our program we are doing right now called “Christmas around the World”. This program involves many booths where different nationalities get to display what Christmas is like where they live. It is really cool to see all the differences in culture around the world. I plan on putting pictures of these up on my photobucket site at http://photobucket.com/ptownmissionary. Things on the ship are pretty exciting right now, and most are in a good mood.
This past weekend I participated in Fire Training which was both book learning and practical learning. On Saturday I spent half of the day in a room hearing things I thought I had already heard and watching videos on safety. The second half of the day was spent spraying fire hoses and putting on the fireman gear. Sunday wasn’t fire training, but it was very busy. I was involved in a guest church coming on board for our Sunday service. There were around 100 people, and I gave my first tour of the ship (with the help of KC). They were all very excited to see what was going on in this monstrous ship. Monday was yet another busy day (after a full week of watch) but was more fun than the prior two. I spent Monday at a compound used for training people how to fight fire. I got to see how fire spreads and how smoke rises to the top, and eventually even engage in combat versus a fire. It was fairly exciting, and I enjoyed the bonding time.
Yesterday marked my first day off in 10 days, but I can’t complain because many others had to work until the end of the week. I was graciously handed two days off in the light of recent events back home, and given time to work things out in my head and in prayer. Yesterday I went on a walk for three hours away from the ship, and I wish I would have taken a camera. I took a little path that seemed to be out of a dream, and eventually got to a highway which I took down past a couple of villages. The architecture here is so different and cool, that it caught me by surprise. I really enjoyed my walk just absorbing the beauty that God surrounds us with on all sides. Even the ugly things are full of beauty, and I need to start looking into the beauty of what God gives us, and not the ugliness we make it. What a week!

Teary-Eyed Warrior

2008-11-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

Who am I to assault you in the night?
You have already lost the big fight
Why should I add to your injury with slander?
All I have to say is useless banter
There are no puns ringing in my head
Only words that shall remain unsaid
One cannot tear down a razed village
One should not steal another army’s pillage
I shall not throw gasoline into a blazing fire
I shall not cast you out into the mire
One must learn to forgive as he has been
That means I must forgive all I can
I will lead your army into battle
We shall pillage all the gold and cattle
We will show no mercy to our foes
We will not be beaten by our woes
I have your sword and your shield
Now let us storm this barren field
We’ll storm the gates of Hades herself
And make the Devil a fearful whelp
There shall be no more victory in this place
Now I long to look upon your broken face
For I wish to rebuke you yet still care
I want to show you my love is fair
It never ceases in the midst of failure
It is stripped of formality and is barer
There is only one path you should find
Go and cast all the others from your mind
Toil with the dirt you have kicked up
In the end we shall be picked up
Never more will our hearts be torn
Never more will we deal with scorn
Our flesh will burn and our spirits rejoice
We will all sing aloud in a resonate voice
“Hallelujah” will fill the barren planes
It will drive the enemy of us all insane
We shall sing songs of victory and peace
All of us will sing; from greatest to least
Oh, how I long for the final rest!
But first we must fix this bloody mess
Redemption lies in every breath we receive
Distraction rests on all that we perceive
Where will two ends find a common ground?
When will a plan of attack be found?
That relies on the king of your own heart
For the heart is beautiful yet still tart

Weekly Update November 19, 2008

2008-11-18T13:40:00.000-08:00

Life on board the Logos Hope has been great. I am working in the deck department, and for two weeks straight I was chipping rust off of a wall in a room that houses our Steering Gear units. This job was frustrating at first, but I eventually warmed up to it. I can’t say I’d be too disappointed if I never saw the room again, though. During these weeks I engaged in some training to prepare me for our launch into ministry in January 2009. I am learning to talk to people through life and through experiences. I also attended a church in Copenhagen (about a 30 minute drive) that was full of people from around the globe. One guy I met there even came by for a tour of the ship! Last weekend I was involved in the filming of a movie that one of the women on board is producing. It is called “The Calling” and is about a woman realizing what she is meant for. Once the video is complete, I will post a link to see it. I was an extra “shadow” in the movie and even got to dress up. We had a good time filming and the film looks good so far.

Romance

2008-11-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

Open the window and let in the breeze
The mornings aren’t mornings unless you’re with me
You watch me sleep and I hear you speak
You’re in my dreams and in my mind
You’re in my second and in my week
You steal my heart every time
You are such a mystery and such an illusion
You are so beautiful and full of confusion
You read the book of my soul like a Sunday paper
We laugh and cry and share in all we feel
You heat my tears until they are naught but vapor
My heart is stamped and marked with your seal
I am yours and you are mine until the end of time
A more passionate sign one cannot find
You would give your life for me now I see
I see the brightness of me and what I could be
I see all of this in your name
I see naught money or fame
I see a life of solitude
I equip a new attitude
You stood at the door and knocked until I came
I cheated and cheated but you love me all the same
No gift could ever repay what you give me this day

Time Marches On

2008-11-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

The most wonderful time of the year approaches yet again, and excitement build all around the world in anticipation for this event. Christmas really is a wonderful time, but it is also a very hard time for those who have lost much. I have always heard that the holidays were one of the biggest times for suicide, but I never really understood why. I think I have a small grasp on this concept now with the massive changes in my life. Thanksgiving is always a big day in my life, and I’m scared that here it won’t be very special. I don’t think football will happen on it, or anything like back home. I will probably think about the time I spend with my family and my baby nephew (who I miss like crazy) and the time I spend with friends as they are all home from college. Then in comes the Christmas season, and the closeness of family and friends along with it. I already feel sad when I think of not being able to be with my family. What makes it worse is that my brother head out to a new life in a few days, and my parents will be wrecked. I fear for them, and pray for their comfort a lot. One last thing I already miss from this season is snow! I have heard that it doesn’t snow too often here, and it is hard to imagine a Christmas without snow!

Christmas on the ship will still be magical and great, but it could never compare to the experiences I have had back home. On the ship there will be a lot of cheer and decorations for the season. One thing we are doing is a display for us and the community about Christmas around the globe. People will build displays of what Christmas is like in their home. We will open these displays to the public to come have a look at all the different traditions around the word. We will still be in Denmark for this, and a new schedule is put up in our prayers. We plan on leaving sometimes in January and to maybe stay around in Europe for a couple of weeks, after that we head to the UK for a tour around thanking some supporters and raising ship familiarity, while ministering to the millions of lost souls in the UK. After that we want to look east toward the Caribbean, but God would really have to do some miracles for that to be possible. The leadership here really believes it can happen as do I, but some are skeptical. It has been in God’s hands and will continue to be.

I’ll finish with a little wisdom from Dr. Patch Adams; look past the problem to the solution. I need to focus on my new life here and my new life in Christ more than I need to focus on my past and all the good memories. Of course, this is easier said than done!

Intimate Portrait Part Two: Scars

2008-10-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Comfort is something that all people enjoy, even the people who love change. As a child I grew very comfortable of my surrounding that I called life. I was 11 years old, and summer was had finally arrived! I had close friends and an awesome family. Not to mention the vacation we go on every summer and roller hockey was about to start. I was almost a teenager, and didn’t feel like going anywhere but where I was. I also had a great new dog that kept me company whenever I was lonely and played with me whenever I had the energy to play. I had just finished the best school year of my life thus far, and planned on the summer following suit. I would soon attend YD (Young Disciples) at church and start to be able to actually fit in with the older guys. I loved to play sports with them, even though I did get shoved into a table once and had to go to the hospital for staples (that was by an older girl named Tina). Life was good and nothing could tear it down.
One problem with me when I was young (and still today) is my reliance on others. I have always trusted people too much, and still do, especially when I get close to them. It is there, at the point of love, in which I almost rely on their trustworthiness to get me along. This was true with my parents. I had always been dependant on them, and always relied on them for everything. I almost even held them to a superhero standard. I honestly saw them as near to perfect. I saw flaws every now and then, but they didn’t matter, I was too naïve to see deep into a few things. Looking back I can poke hole in some things that I now notice, but to me then their marriage and lives were impeccable.
I still remember the day I realized that the world is not all that it is cracked up to be, and the person I trusted most was not a superhero at all, but a man. I can’t remember the day or even month, but I do remember it was summer, and I was up late. I had spent the day sunning around hitting golf balls with a baseball bat and spending time at church (church was the only place I could go online). I went home before dinner, and I remember my dad sitting me down and telling me he loved me, which I thought was pretty weird. I knew he loved me, and he didn’t usually say it that way. There was something eerie in his voice, but I was too young to notice or even care. After dinner and some play on our home computer, I scooted off to bed.
I woke in the middle of the night and just felt crappy, I’m not sure if it was a bad dream, a loud noise, or just one of those times. First I checked my parent’s room to see if they were sleeping. I might have wanted to sleep in their bed with them, but I think I was past that stage. Either way, they were not in their bed and I was confused. Then I ventured down the stairs to the living room. I got to the bottom of the stairs, and that’s it. The look on my mother’s face was one I wish I had never seen and never want to see again. It was a look of despair and hopelessness. She possessed the look of a broken heart. I asked her “Mommy, what’s wrong?” I was then told immediately to go to bed and I would hear about it tomorrow. I shuffled off to bed in a state of disorder, and finally drifted off to sleep on a wet pillowcase.
I woke to an arm around me. This threw me further into a mental state of chaos. This was no regular arm, no random arm, and no mommy arm. It was the hairy arm of my father. Why was he sleeping in my bed? Why was he cuddling with me? When the heck did he get home?! I really can’t express the utter level of disarray I was in, and I am sure that you have had moments like this. It really was a terrible feeling. My stomach was turned upside down and my mind was totally blank. As I woke to this, I woke my dad and he didn’t tell me anything that was happening except he was either apologizing or saying he loved me. My mind was a little blurry, but he was doing something like that. I wandered downstairs into yet another scene of confusion. I am not so sure who was all downstairs but I do remember my mother. My mom had the same look from the night before, but deeper and more obvious.
The next thing I remember was going on a surprise trip up north later that afternoon. We went up to my Aunt and Uncle’s house for a couple of days with my Aunt and Uncle and not my parents. This was okay because they had Super Mario 3, so I would be satisfied. I was still unaware of what was really going on and the whole time my Aunt and Uncle just told me that my parents had some problems they needed to sort out. I probably had one of the most uncomfortable stays of my young life away from home those next long hours. I felt so confused for so long and couldn’t get my mind off of it.
When I went home I finally found out what was going on. I didn’t know the magnitude of the situation at the time, but I felt the consequences. My dad had to tell me what was going on and I’ll never forget it. His face was cast down with guilt and panic, and his voice resonated with weakness. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember what he communicated. First he apologized to us, but we didn’t know why. Then he started balling, that’s when we all started crying for no reason. The next things he told me shook the very foundations of my life. He told us that he had been having an affair on my mom. Ouch.
It still hurts to write this entire story and it pains me that you all read this, but it I one of the biggest part of my life, and life was so different after this little incident. I had found out what happened that night and what had been going on the past months. The man I trusted most had taken my world and tipped it upside down. He had been doing meetings with a woman form our church one-on-one (foolishly) and had gotten a crush on another woman. She returned the crush, and they started sneaking around. The woman also had a husband and children, but that didn’t stop them. I have never learned of the extent of this affair and still wonder about a lot of it. I did learn that on that night my dad was on a date with this woman and didn’t plan on coming home that night, if ever. I’m not sure about details on that night either but it doesn’t matter, it hurt. Somebody had caught my dad in the act with this woman (maybe at Denny’s) and he had a realization at some point of all that was going on.
I am glad my dad came back, but sometimes I’m not o sure my mom has always been. My fears of divorce were thrown in my face and it was as bad as I had dreamed. It felt like my soul was being torn in at least two places, and I can’t imagine the pain my mom felt. The family went through a ridiculously hard next couple of months of my mom yelling at my dad and my dad crying constantly. The one man she held responsible for her life had betrayed her. It brings tears to my eyes to this day to write this, and I’m sure the reading of it will reap tears as well.
My life was already changed. Soon the church knew, and my dad was forced into resigning before summer was over. This meant a lot of changes had to come. Thank God my dad made good friends because he was given a construction job after he was done at Faith, and I’m not so sure if he ever liked it as much as he could have. His whole attitude was changed for a while, and so were all of our attitudes toward him. We lived in a parsonage (home owned by the church) and since he wasn’t an employee of the church anymore, we had to go. Also, we received quite a hefty discount at the Lutheran school I went to (My brother and sister moved onto Public School) which meant I could no longer go there because of the cost. This, in turn, meant that I lost touch with a lot of my friends at the time. My world was flipped.
The end of the summer drew near and my thoughts turned elsewhere; Public School. I had never been out of my comfortable class of 10 friends. Soon I would be thrown into a world of people and things I had never known about. Seventh grade was probably the hardest year of my life, and a lot of bad things happened to me, most of which were my fault. I was forced into attending Holland Woods Middle School, and hated it. I still have a little resentment towards it to this day. I started my year by playing a game I loved more than most; tackle football. I had played flag football for a couple of years now, but never was loud enough to get attention. Tackle was no different. I was pretty small, and not as fast as a lot of the guys. I also didn’t try very hard because I was afraid of embarrassing myself or hurting someone else. I was shy beyond belief and barely said a word to anybody. I remember trying out for wide receiver and failing to impress anybody including myself. The whole year of football I think I started one or two games, and failed in all of them. I was the back-up center, and the only reason I ever played was because the guy in front of me had grade problems. This year set a trend for the rest of my football career, and it is a sad story. I will never know what I could have been.
School was terrible. I said about 10 words a day the first couple of weeks, and cried when I got home. I missed all of my friends and I missed my life. I missed my mommy too because she had changed (reasonably so) and I missed my dad who was home more but so full of guilt it was hard to catch him not crying. I missed a normal life of peace because we were hunting for a house. School, like I said, was just silly. I really wasn’t learning much except how to avoid people. My main friend was a guy named David Hammond, who was a little bit like me. We used to talk about little books called Redwall and then the conversation usually stopped or turned to video games for a few minutes. Looking back I realize that I could have made a lot of friends, but never talked. A lot of people would talk to me, and I would just shy away, and this trend still haunts me today. I remember my first crush of public school. Her name was Amanda, and I had never seen a girl like this. I wished I could talk to her, but I was way too shy for that. One day she even saw me in the hallway and tried talking to me but I blanked out. I was a mess! I did try to reach out once by trying out for basketball, but the coach told me I would be the sixteenth guy if he could have sixteen. I cried the whole way home (which was only a few minutes’ walk), and never tried out for a sport again.
Life moved on and we eventually got our house in the country and really far from my school. The really hard part of this process was that we had to clear the land and put our house on it. The land was mostly forest and the ground was mostly clay. I didn’t help much, but I know my father worked vigorously to get it done in time. These were hard times still, and I did go drag brush at times but it was still hard emotionally. I could tell that my mom didn’t love my dad like she used to and hadn’t forgiven him yet. I didn’t realize the depth of the pain in her heart, and the disappointment in her mind. I didn’t realize that although my dad apologized all of the time he could never make up for it to my mom. I was trying to move on, but it was hard with our future hung up in the rafters. By the time we moved I think it was sometime the later fall of 1999, and I was still at Holland woods. This meant that my mom now had to drive me to school before she went to work. This was weird and the first months were tiring because of my addiction to video games. Video games were (and still are) my escape from reality and my reality at the time was full of change and bad things.
I finished up my year at Holland Woods and was just excited to be done. I remember the last few days there were good, and we spent a lot of time outside running around. I only had about 1-2 friends, and I never went to anybody’s house or anything. I was my own best friend. The summer after that year had nothing memorable in my mind. I think I hibernated in my basement and played Dreamcast and computer games all summer. I’m sure my parents could tell you how bad it was, but I was full of self pity. I started gaining weight and didn’t really notice or care.
The next school year I had to go to yet another brand new school. This one was Central Middle School, and was even bigger than anything I had ever imagined. I felt lost on my first day there, and probably did actually get lost. I played football again, but this time had a little fun. I still wasn’t a starter, but I made a few friends with some of the guys on the team. I also knew a few people at the school form earlier in my life. I actually started to talk to people at Central but was still very shy. That year our football team won every game, and had a blast doing it. We were the best in Port Huron, and were very proud of it. One of the games that my family came to Jenni had Sampson on a leash, and somehow he got away from her and ran onto the field. That’s one of the few stories I remember from that year (although I have a lot of random memories). Of course throughout the year my parents started to get a long a little more and more, and life got better and better. I even got a basketball net at some point to play on. I was going to be the next Joe Dumars at some point in my life. We also spent more time with family and spent time up at my Grandma’s as much as possible, and those times will never be forgotten. Matt was always in trouble and making my parents pull their hair out, or being mean to me. Even when he had a girlfriend he picked on me, but she liked me. I remember she called me the caveman because I was always in my room playing video games.
The summer of that year was fairly different than before, and had an impact in my future. That summer my life was changed. My dad had started something great at Faith Lutheran Church in the form of a yearly Mexico trip. They kept it going for a couple of years after he left, then things got complicated. Anyways, I had a chance to go on this trip. I will never forget the ride down. I was a kid amongst teenagers and felt really out of place. I still didn’t say a whole lot to most people, and was more shy than usual. I knew a few people from the church, but they were all old and I was young so I didn’t fit in very well. This meant I felt pretty alone, but I was very used to being alone.
When we actually got to Mexico I was thrown into the real world. This was a world most people in America only fear or see on television in cheesy advertisements. I was cast into it for a week, and it was scary. The level of poverty upon first glance was so foreign to me all I could do was cry (I still had a big heart). I came to realize that although these people had very few possessions, they were rich beyond my wildest dreams. They had what the King had told us to have; faith like a child. They were recklessly in love with Jesus because their hope could not be in this world. I still wish I could live like this more, and I think a heart like the poor is something of a precious jewel. This week I saw God in numerous ways for the first time I can honestly remember. I finally had an almost tangible relationship with the one who kept my family together. I knew the one who had kept me safe through some tough times at school (there was a problem at Holland Woods the year before I went for those of you who remember) personally. I saw Jesus in the feet of the people who had little but loved more than anybody I had known. I have since been to Mexico 5-6 more times, and have a real heart for the people here; or do they have a real heart for me? I will never forget where I met God.
The next stage of my life posed a lot of problems for a lot of kids, especially in the spiritual realm. This next adventure was Port Huron High School, and my teenage years. I moved onto a new year of football and into the realm of swearing. My freshman year of football was short lived but was also a lot of fun. I started making a lot of friends here, and some of these friendships last to this day. It was here that I met Sean. The same Sean that I talk to as much as I can these days, and the same Sean that I plan on knowing my whole life. I did break my thumb pretty early in the season and had to sit out for 4 weeks. During those weeks I didn’t miss football honestly. Our coach was really hard and loud and loved to get in our faces. The injured people used to sit around and laugh at everything the team had to do for this guy, and when we came back it was really hard on us to get back in the swing of things. Our team was decent that year, but I enjoyed the fellowship of our team more than actually playing.
Other than football, school was intimidating, but I was slowly morphing into the real me (still haven’t finished the metamorphosis). I started to actually talk a decent amount, and even got a detention for talking. I used to be really goofy; actually I still am. I did develop a foul mouth somewhere along the line, and still have it at times. I hung out with a few people and traded football and hockey cards. My grades started to slip as I began to care less and less about homework. I think the problem actually was that homework mattered more and I couldn’t use decent writing skills to pull the wool over my teacher’s eyes as much; and I hate math. This year also marked the year my dad fell in love again. We went to the Cornerstone Church for the first time when it was in McMorran arena, and I remember being scared of people dancing and raising their hands. Most of my family didn’t like it much, but my Dad loved it! I remember my first time at youth group in the grove mall. I was wearing my football jersey and was so afraid. I think part of the problem was that I met Alexis first, who was a total extrovert, and I was very intimidated of her personality. I never could talk well to girls. My first official girlfriend was in ninth grade and her name was Ashley Bloink. She was a cool girl, but not what I thought she was, so instead of actually breaking it off, I just started to ignore her, which was bad. I have always been bad with ending relationships.
The next chapter of my life is yet to be written down, but I can promise that I will write it someday soon. On the horizon is the tenth grade, and some pretty significant changes and meetings in my life. Tenth grade was one of my favorite times in High School, and I will never forget the people I met, or the hearts I broke years later, or the heart revealed to me as life went on.

Intimate Portrait Part One: The Golden Years

2008-10-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

I can imagine what being born was like. I think that it was like being cast out from everything comfortable into a strange and unknown place. I can imagine the shock of moving from the isolation and quiet of the womb to what seems like calamity in the hands of a man you have never known. Not only do you not know him but you don’t know what the heck he is! Well, they day was August 10th 1987, and there I was at 3 in the morning. I was my parent’s final child, and a big one at that. I weighed 8 pounds and 10 ounces, and was a bundle of love.
My mother told me I never cried much as a baby and other sources have confirmed this to me. I like to think of myself as a content baby. The only thing I needed was to be cuddled. All of my family has told me at some point how cuddly I was, and still am. The truth is that I absolutely love the comfort I feel when I am in somebody I love’s arms. I could live with that feeling everyday, and it is one of my great excitements for my marriage. When I was a child, I used to let any of my close relatives hold me as long as I wanted, without hesitation.
I grew up early on in life in Hazel Park, Michigan. I had my small family of five, and my grandmothers played a huge part in my growing up. They used to take me out and spoil me rotten with food and toys. I used to love to go over to their houses and play with them and my cousins. Dodie (my mom’s mom) and Papa used to live somewhere nearby, and every Halloween (that I remember) we’d go there and Dodie would make us cool costumes. Then Christmas always reminded me of Nana (my dad’s mom) and Poppa’s house. We would go after church to their house on Christmas Eve and enjoy many snacks full of sugar and then came the presents! This tradition continues until today.
One of my earliest memories is of Christmas time when I was 3 or 4, and I’m sure my mother could tell this story better than me, but I will anyways. I went to a public school for preschool and it was Christmas time in “Detroit”. For me this always was exciting with the good food and snacks, and of course, presents. My class got to go on a field trip to see Santa Claus! I did believe in him, and was probably pretty excited to go see him. When we got there I got the shock of my life. It seemed as though Santa had underwent a transformation! What was wrong with this Santa? This particular Santa possible ruined the idea of Santa throughout the rest of my childhood (or my brother did that). He was black! I was so confused that my only response was to run away and cry! Keep in mind that I grew up in a pretty diverse area. Yet I still thought this was odd. Needless to say, I did get my present (a Goofy puzzle), but I am not sure if I ever sat on his lap.
In the winter of 1991 my dad got a new job. I’ll stop here to discuss how important my dad was to me. We always used to play. We did everything from Legos to wrestling to sports. All three of us kids used to take on our monster dad in wrestling, and we all looked up to him. Like I said, in 1991 my dad took a job in Port Huron (which is an hour or so away). I didn’t really know what was going on, and I didn’t care that we were leaving (in my memory) because I didn’t have many quality friends. We moved into our new house in Port Huron in January of that year, and I was as sick as a dog. I don’t remember a whole lot about the move or adapting to the new place, except that I loved the house.
I was very much attached to my mother, and this may come from the security of the cuddling, because my Mom has always been one to hold me as much as possible. One memory I have is going to either kindergarten or to preschool when I was a wee tyke. I was dropped off and when my mom left I stared balling! I couldn’t handle the separation, I had never been alone like that before, and I didn’t really know what to do. So I just cried and cried on my first day of school, until eventually the teacher gave me a Detroit Lions (our football team) stuffed animal. The teacher (Mrs. Rathje) still remembers that incident and tells me of it every time I see her. I also met my future best friend (Cody Tuttle) on my first day of school.
School to me was a blur of activity. I attended a Lutheran school called Trinity Lutheran. My class size was always tiny, and all of us were friends most of the time I was there. First grade was a challenge for me, but also a blessing. It was in first grade that Tim and I became good friends, and this friendship is still running strong. We used to run around his streets with Andy Smith and just play. I also was good friends with Cody Tuttle (who I met in kindergarten) and I would spend a ton of time at his house. We would run around the woods going on crazy adventures, or just wrestle in his house. I still remember the smell of his house, but I can’t describe it. I sometimes look back and miss the unhindered joy of childhood. I miss the lack of worry and fear in my life.
Although I had a lot of friends, I was always a little withdrawn. I was never the loud kid in school (that was Tim), but was always friendly. I remember my first “girlfriend” was in second grade. Her name was Ashley Lamping, and she said I was cute one day, so we used to run around and act like we were dating. This lasted for 2 or 3 years of an off and on “relationship”. I have since lost contact with Ashley, but will never forget her.
My brother was never interested in sports or anything like it, but I have always been in love with most of them. I started sports in first grade with tee ball. I played with Cody Tuttle and his sister, Danielle. I don’t recall much of this season, but I do remember that one game was ridiculously hot (close to 100°) and when the game was done we went swimming in the pond near by. After that I got involved in soccer in second grade until I discovered football in fifth grade (More to come on that later). I also played roller hockey off and on for a couple of years, but missed a lot of games from vacationing. My dad played a big part in my love for sports, and also in teaching me how to play.
As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, my family loved our vacations. It seemed like every summer we would go on a new vacation. The first one I remember was in either 1991 or 1992 and it was to the world famous Disneyland in Florida. As was the case for most of our vacations my mom’s sister (Aunt Diana or Nan) and her family (Uncle Bruce, Kyle, and Jess) would be our vacationing partners. Some of my memories are from the enormous amounts of video that my Uncle took, but some are genuine. It was a great time, and of course I enjoyed it. We went on all the rides, and saw everything there was to see. The funniest part of the trip was the “E.T.” ride. You told them your name when you got on the ride, and half way through E.T. would say your name. My sister nearly jumped out of the car when she heard it because the voice was so creepy and unexpected. I also got to see my favorite turtles (The Ninja Turtles) perform there, and even got a picture with Raphael.
Disney was a rare year for vacationing as we didn’t usually travel that far. Most summers were spent in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan in the Porcupine Mountains or on the Sand Dunes of western Michigan. We would go and have camp fires, swim, rollerblade, and do a ton of other fun things. These are some of my favorite times as a child. On my 8th birthday we were in the UP and I had just received a new pair of Rollerblades. I was skating, but wasn’t very good at it, and when I came to a hill I dared to venture down it: That was a bad idea. I fell about halfway down and got all scrapped up. I remember crying, and then my parents bought me ice cream from the Outpost which made it all better. I will always relish these times spent with my family.
I grew up as a pastor’s kid, and this meant added benefits with the church. I could use the gym whenever he was in his office, and even go on-line! This was a new thing to me, and I loved it. My dad ran a great youth group at Faith Lutheran Church, and I wish I was old enough to attend it. I was old enough to attend his VBS sessions at the same church which was very memorable. Every summer it seemed like I was just waiting to go to VBS. He did amazing programs, and a typical one was a sort of Old Testament lifestyle. We would have groups that lived in tents and got play money. In the morning we would always have bread and jams, then go play games and learn of Old Testament heroes such as Sampson and David. There was also one year when he did an Old western style VBS. This one was even more fun, and even thought I don’t remember why he did this theme, I can tell you that the amount of work that went into it was astounding. He made little building fronts out of wood that looked to a young boy very real. He even dressed up as the villain Black Bart to come haunt us.
Fall was always my least favorite time of year, as it meant another year of school. By the third grade, I had made a ton of friends (all that ere in my class) and had a lot of people to hang out with. I also started to break out of my shell a little bit and became sort of loud. My fourth grade teacher was the pastor’s wife; Mrs. Mann. She was one of the most loving teachers I have had, and would always hug all of us when we were sad. To this day I still get hugs whenever I see her. I would still hang out with Tim and Cody, and now I would even go to other peoples houses. I would also enjoy video games for myself, and I remember when we bought our Sega Genesis. It had a couple of games (Sonic 2 and Twin Cobras) and I spent countless hours trying to beat Sonic, but never could.
One distinct memory I have from boyhood was my sister’s boyfriends. She was a popular cheerleader in school, very pretty, and a little spoiled. This translated into many new boys coming home with her. I remember we called every two weeks “D-Day”, which meant dump day, because she would always break up with a new guy. One boyfriend I remember vividly is Nate. Looking back now on Nate just the thought of him dating my sister makes me cringe. He was a user and a complete jerk, but to a boy like me he was awesome. He would always play video games with me and play basketball and things like that. Once I beat him in a game of basketball and he went home because he was so angry. I remember that when they broke up I cried a lot, maybe more than Jenni, but I don’t remember the situation.
In 1994 or 1995 my dad started to lead Missions trips to Juarez, Mexico. He still leads these to this day, and I have enjoyed many of these trips. When I was young, my mother used to go on these trips as well, leaving me with my grandparents. I would spend a week at each set of Grandparents house, and these times were always a blessing to me. The first few years Matt went with me too, and that was a mess. We never really got a long until both of us had grown up. So back then we would always fight, and of course he would win, and I would cry. I remember one time we were at Nana and Papa’s cottage in Onaway, Michigan, and Matt was being particularly crazy that week. First he took me in the barn and had me start the riding lawnmower then we both ran, leaving it running. Needless to say, Papa was pretty ticked off, and we got a nice little spanking. After that, Matt and I got worse for some reason. We stood outside and kept using the tennis rackets to smash apples toward each other, and we got yelled at. This, of course, was followed with a little more mischief. Matt stood outside ringing the dinner bell mercilessly and then we ran. We tried to hide from Papa, but failed mightily. We got quite the spanking, and from that moment for a few years I was very much afraid of my grandfather.
At my other grandparents house I would spend a lot of time watching cartoons. I have always been a big fan of them, and still occasionally watch them. I also loved to be outside in the forest and on the lake. I would always go have adventures in the woods all by myself. My imagination was ridiculous, and still is. I would go on epic tales without moving a mile. I could even (and still can) get so wrapped up in my mind that I lost sense of time and reality. I loved to spend time with my Dodie, and she loved my very much. I never thought that Poppa loved me as much as her, but now that I understand people I see just how much he really loved me. He used to take me fishing on Lake Huron at least once every time I was up there. I liked to fish, but the problem was that we woke up at 5 in the morning to go out. This was crazy for a boy like me! I always wanted to sleep as long as possible. I’ll never forget my grandpa, who passed away a little while ago, but I will get to that in a later post.
As I grew older our vacations continued, but grew a little less frequent. One of the best times I have ever had was on our last big vacation when I was 8 or 9. The same two families piled into a couple of vehicles (ours was a station wagon pulling a Pop up camper, theirs was a RV) and driving all the way out to the Grand Canyon. This was only one stop in a three week adventure. We drove everywhere a boy like me could want to, and saw a ton of sights. We saw Mount Rushmore, went white water rafting, Climbed hills, saw REAL mountains (the Rockies), went into sand dunes that looked like something an artist though up, went to Yellowstone National Park and saw all sorts of wildlife (including Bison), and went to countless museums. It was a dream come true! As is normal for long road trips, some problems arose, and I remember a certain place my siblings and I nicknamed “Divorce Camp Ground”.
As a child I was deathly afraid of my parents separating. I think this was because I loved them both so much and couldn’t choose which one I would go with, or just because I knew the repercussions it could have on my life. Every time my parents would fight I would worry they would divorce. This never happened, but me and my whole family thought it would one night on this vacation. We were in Arizona or Utah or somewhere around there and we were either lost or running late. I don’t remember the drive much, probably because I was playing with my cousin Jess (we were great friends) or sleeping. I do remember our arrival to the camp ground. It was chaotic. We could barely find our camp site from the lack of lights, and to make matters worse, when we did find it we couldn’t find the electricity hook up for our pop up. There were also scorpions on the way to the bathroom, and dinner was burnt Macaroni and Cheese. My mom was furious, and my dad was exhausted. When we finally crawled in to our beds at night, I felt like I was caught in the middle of the invasion of Normandy. My parents shouted back and forth, and all three of us children cried and held each other. That was one of the worst nights of my life, and made me all the more afraid of divorce.
That was probably the best vacation I have ever had, and will never forget it. It is still a common theme every time we meet with my extended family. All of the fun and stupid things that happened will be held in my heart forever, you can’t pay for memories like that (even though it was a pretty hefty fee for the vacation). But as always I had to go back to school. The fifth and sixth grades were a highlight of my life, and where I really changed into who I am. I was involved in a lot of things during these years (cub scouts, soccer, flag football, roller hockey, etc.) and loved every minute of the sports and activities I was in. We would go to tournaments for soccer that lasted all day and even if I didn’t play much I loved it for the fun with friends and my coach (also known as my dad). I even branched out and met a couple public school kids in flag football, which was a blast even though I was too shy to try very hard. I also won a geography bee in fifth grade and still keep the medal in my room for some stupid reason. Also, in fifth grade I made a new friend. His name was Sampson, and he was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Little did I know that this dog would become one of my favorite pals! He used to chase me down and tackle me and nibble my ears!
At our old church we used to have outside services when it was nice on Monday, and I always liked these more because the music was from an acoustic guitar, and not an organ. At one of these services, all of my family went, and we left the dog in the yard. We lived in a parsonage on church property, and even though Sammy was young he was very wild and strong. He managed to climb up our log pile after breaking his chain only to run into the middle of the church service. My dad was so embarrassed, but all the rest of us kids thought it was hilarious.
The forging of my personality was under way, and I was loving life. I had amazing friends that I hung out with all the time, I was very successful in school, I was a starter on basketball and soccer teams, and my family was as tight as ever. Life was at a high for me when I was in sixth grade. Then my whole perspective was changed, and my world was turned upside down. I never expected these feelings that were to come in the dawning months, and they still affect me to this day.

The Watcher

2008-10-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been here long, but I already walk with a sense of belonging in my step. This place would make most people feel like they belong. The only problem I have really encountered is the division of acceptance. Some people here are cool with dancing and playing, while some aren’t. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is pretty frustrating on some of us. One would think that if two parties with the same goal but different standards would be able to meet somewhere in the middle, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. It seems that the older people with the traditional background get what they want, and the younger crowd with more energy and excitement get brushed aside. I do understand that this is a Christian ship, therefore we have to display Christ in our actions in this community and wherever we may venture, but sometimes we need to have fun!
The basic problem is that there was a “party” for a couple of girls’ birthday Monday night, and all we did was play music, dance (innocently), and talk. I thought it was an awesome bonding experience for all of us there. A lot of people were comfortable enough to dance including me, which says a lot if you know me. I felt like the whole night was innocent except a few songs. That (the songs) could change easily enough with a change of laptop or CD. Other than that we didn’t do much wrong that I saw, yet I heard that we can’t have these anymore. We were pretty far from any cabins, so that shouldn’t have been a problem. I heard that some people said we weren’t good examples to the community. How is that? Can us Christians ever be loud and have fun? What about some dancing ministries; are those wrong too? I have always struggled with conservative people who know they are right. I have always been one to try and meet in the middle, why can’t we strive for that?
Maybe I am being rash, maybe this whole thing is a rumor, but still. Apart from this problem, I love it here! I really am starting to settle in, and people know me. I’m kind of a big deal here. Not really, but the people here do love, some are just really uptight. I should have expected that. I am really comfortable here now. Work is starting next week for real! No more training! YES! Actually this past week doesn’t feel a whole lot like training. Most of the people in my department are pretty cool. Both of my bosses are great guys, who I have a lot in common with. I know I’m where I need to be. I can’t say how relieving that is, again. One can never receive enough confirmation. Thank you all so much for your prayers, without them I would not be here.
One thing I am scared about is America. I have heard about the deep financial problems that have come and even could come to pass, and I worry. I worry if the America I come back to won’t be the same. I worry that there won’t exist even, or if it will be divided. I worry about who will lead the country. Most of all I worry about the people. I worry that the population runs from god to chase idols. I feel like America may become like Sodom. The delusion of morality in my country frightens me. How can we exist with no purpose other than selfish gain? Many have tried this and failed in the long run. Please pray to put America back in God’s hands; I know I am.
I have finished reading the New Testament a week ago or something, and started back from the begging. Genesis is so hard to read because it sounds so odd. People marry cousins, have sex without marriage, and kill for God. It’s hard to imagine the times and how the Godly people acted. Like when men’s wives’ give the maidservant so they can have a kid, how is that Godly? People are strongly warned against sexual immorality, so why the heck do these guys get to sleep with all these girls, and are blessed beyond reason? Also, why is wealth so stressed in this book? I have been reading pretty often and am on the 32nd chapter. I get a little confused, but then I try to remember that I have no clue about the culture of the time, and that we are not under that covenant. We are under a new much better covenant. Praise God for that!

Who Am I?

2008-09-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

Last Night we were asked a few questions. I thought a lot of them, and here are my answers. Maybe you can ask yourselves the same ones.
Who Am I?
I am a thief in the day
And a refugee by night
I am an endless sandbar
That goes beyond sight
I am a biased council
Fighting the whole of man
I am a poet of ages past
Dreaming in the sand
Who do I think I am?
I feel like a beggar in a foreign place
With no desire to look upon their face
I want more but look at less
I find no comfort in my dress
I am a man on his way to who knows where
I am an ambulance full of care
I am a rock cast into my own whirlpool
I am for you a stubborn fool
Who do people think I am (in my eyes)?
I wander the circus full of paint
A red nose and a white face
People come to see me for a price
But is it really me they see?
I am sometimes even a saint
I am a runner with no pace
Am I a pie that has one slice?
There is so much more to me
Who does God say I am?
I am a tornado on a paradise
A cheating heart but a faithful body
Sprinting out into the night
I break hearts and destroy temples
But I am beautiful beyond comprehension
My eyes are like the stars
And my smile resembles the sea
After all I’ve done you still love me

Comfortable

2008-09-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve been trying to think of material to give all of you viewers the past couple of days, but my mind has blanked. Everything I want to write dissipates with every new thought that enters my head. That’s a lot! My mind either is empty or running in hyper mode. One thing I think that is holding me back from writing is the fact that nothing too exciting is happening. That’s not bad, trust me. Sometimes a lull in activities is a necessary tool to help one grow. I think it can sometimes display comfort and stability. For me this rings true; I am really familiarizing myself with my surroundings and absorbing. I am growing used to the ships life, which so far is good. I am becoming me to all of these people here, and becoming more confident in who I am. Someone tells me a lot that I am a decent writer, which makes me feel good. I am growing close to a few people, and starting relationships to loads of people. People actually know my name know; pretty crazy huh. I am officially a deck hand in training. We don’t seem to do a whole lot of important things until we set sail.
One thing that sucks, but seems to be normal, is the heartbreak of sailing. Nobody knows when it’s going to happen or even really where is next. The main rumor going around is now Belfast by January or so. Whatever, I guess I have to get used to Koge since we will be here forever. Everybody here has been through this for a while, so I feel bad complaining as I have been here for a very short time. I hope we leave port, but it’s all in God’s hands!

Address (for now)

2008-09-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ryan Coon
MV Logos Hope
c/o Baltic Kaj 1
4600 Koge (the o has a backward slash through it)
Denmark

Send me things if you desire, I appreciate all of them.

What A Day!

2008-09-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. We had our last day of Pre-Ship Training, which is amazing. The whole of PST was sitting around learning. I am ready to endeavor in some physical labor. The last session was good, as we were told to write goals and missions statements. A few of mine are to grow in God every day, to love people with all of my heart, to retain the knowledge and experiences I gain here to bring them home, and to seize the day. I was excited when I heard for sure that I was on deck department, and the guy who I think would bother me the most wasn’t. Although that sounds kind of mean, it’s true. He was so sure he’d be on the deck too; I almost felt bad for him. Anyways, next we had solitude time with God. We could do whatever we wanted. A lot of people chose to sleep or clean, but not me.
This is when my day was really made great. I decided to go explore Koge a little more all by myself. I walked away from the hope and had a lot to discuss with God. That I did. I walked one way toward where I thought the beach was just talking to God about my struggles and triumphs, and relishing on who I want to be in my future. Then I ran into a fellow Hoper who told me I was going the wrong way. I turned around to walk back toward the real beach. On the way I prayed my face off. I prayed for me, my family, my friends, Cornerstone Church, Michigan, the USA, Logos Hope, OM (who is really struggling with funds at the moment), and went back through. I got everything off of my chest; EVERYTHING! When I finally sat down I felt so relieved and at peace. I sat on a bench by the beach listening to some good music and reading my bible. I read through the last three letters of the gospel. Then, I rested. I delighted in where God has sent me and what He will do in me. I felt so comfortable. I knew that God had his arms wrapped around me with a giant hug. Then I slept for a few minutes.
After that I went back, and got an Ethernet cable so that I could use my laptop to get online. Then sat around online waiting for dinner to get prepared. I ate, and it was good; odd, but good. It was sort of like lasagna made with alfredo sauce and vegetables in it. After dinner, I put my laundry in the cans to be washed, and then I went to our last service as a PST. The speaker was good, but has a voice that put me right to sleep. The Russian girl next to me woke me up and told me to stay up, I tried and failed. I did wake up in time for worship, which was amazing. It was one of those worships where you feel comfortably uncomfortable. All of the hairs on my body were standing in worship. The ducts in my eyes were ready and willing to burst if called upon. My body felt weak, but my spirit has never felt stronger. I focused upon the cross, and saw sweet salvation. What a feeling!

Struggle of an Epic Proportion

2008-09-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

A clean sheet lies in front of me. Just a sheet of paper. Not even that, it’s a screen, yet for some reason I have a hard time telling it all that’s on my heart. I can only tell God and myself all that’s on my mind. I feel like I have a lot to offer, but it’s all in the basement. I’m scared. I’m scared of being vulnerable, I’m scared of judgment on me, and I’m deathly afraid of rejection. I’m sure that this dang screen will not judge me, but why can’t I tell it my problems. I get red faced and nervous. Where did my trust in people go? I can’t really relate it to a single event; more like a chain of events in my life, most of which were minuscule. I go back to being betrayed in my subconscious every time I want to express my feelings. I’m not just this sarcastic and shallow guy. Really computer I promise that I’m not. I try to be deep. I try to open up, but why express feelings I try not to feel. I think my apathy is almost corrosive. When did I stop caring on the outside yet care more and more on the inside? I have something to offer to people, don’t I? I know I do, but I hold it down. I hold it down for fear of being disappointed again. We all have our disappointments, so why do I take them so hard?
The real core of this problem is in my confidence. Although at times I may seem somewhat sure of myself, I’m not. Flat out insecure. Where does this feeling of belittlement come from? I read constantly how beautiful and amazing I am from the only one that actually matters. Why does that mean so little right now? Although he is God, I am still me. I still struggle with the problems I have my whole life. I struggle with jealousy, I struggle with all the things men struggle with, and I even have my wrestling matches with pride. Why pride? I am insecure, where does this feeling of deep pride come from? My biggest problem lies in jealousy at times. I see people walking around with an aura of confidence and humility and I just wish I could have that. The fact is that I probably won’t. It has been engraved in my mind that I am not good enough. The funny thing is that all my life I have been told how handsome I was, or how athletic I am, or how smart I am, or how compassionate I am. Why don’t I see these things? Although I do see them in flashes, when somebody better comes around, I get really self conscious. I think that it is all pride. I wish I was the best, but somebody is always better, and if not they are training to be better. Man what a cycle. Even as I write this I struggle with idea of publishing it. I am incredibly vulnerable actually, and I realize this the more I think about it. I think everybody is vulnerable, but I fail to register this in the ol’ noggin. I could be better; better looking, more athletic, smarter, skinnier, faster, and funnier. But I’m not, that’s just a fact. Sure, some of those things I could work on, but would that make me feel better? Probably not. I wish I could tell myself that I am good enough through him and really feel it deep down in my belly. I have my moments, but not enough. Again, not spiritual enough. One day I will be perfect, for He tells me so. I can’t wait.
Believe it or not, I am really enjoying my time here. I am building friendships, but I think the standard of my homely friends is really hard to match. They are amazing, I couldn’t have better. I hope that one day we share the same intimate love with Christ, and I pray for it every day. Even if we don’t, they are my best friends, and they mean the world to me. I think this standard has kind of created a small wall for me into entering new friendships that I struggle with at the moment. I only write this down right now because I have nowhere comfortable to turn, and I realize you may not judge as harshly as others. Please don’t judge me by these entries alone, they are just my struggles. The life of a 21 year old going on a journey with his savior was never meant to be easy, and I didn’t expect it to be.

Where To?

2008-09-09T03:58:00.001-07:00

I find myself coming back
To the dry well
Back to the desert
Forty years seems like a lifetime
One year seems like a breath
I get thirsty and drink
But forget my water
I drink from the earth
I drink the sand
The sand in this desert
It runs dry as bones
Maybe it is bones
The bones of those defeated
But not I
Beaten and bruised I wander on
My path narrows and straightens
What lies next is hard to see
All I see is in front of me
Sometimes I can’t even make that out
My eyes are weary
My legs scream for rest
My brain is empty
I’m too tired fight
But too tired to sleep
So on I wander
Hoping the next step is the end
The end of the desert
The beginning of something beautiful
Beyond description
A mountain and a waterfall
Appear from nowhere
It’s all within sight
Why can’t I get there?
Are my feet stuck?
My pace quickens and slows
I can’t decide if the mountain is closer
If it’s better to turn around
Go back to the desert and sleep
Maybe tomorrow
That’s what I have said for so long
But tomorrow has come many times
Yet I find myself timid
Maybe today I’ll be bold
I’ll walk to the mountain
I’ll be carried up it when I get there
I can’t wait for the grass
The feeling of sand is so superficial
Superficial and comfortable
The rock seems so troublesome
Why perch on a rock when there is sand
I look back again and again
Always too timid to move foreword
And too afraid to sprint back
But a sudden urge to sprint comes
I fight it all of the time
This time it is different
It calls to me from in front not behind
The mountain screams at me
Should I ignore it?
I rarely feel this tug
But this is no tug
It is a shove
The sand grips my feet
It grabs my heart
It hold is so strong
But its roots are shallow
I think it is time to move
I look back on my steps
I count them
They are numerous
But they go in circles
I have been running in circles
More like ovals
At times toward the mountain
At times toward the sand
Why can’t I decide?
What has gripped my heart with such force?
What will I give in to?
It’s too late
I’ve started to move onward
Toward the mountain
The well
The shade
I can’t wait to rest
But a long journey awaits me
I can’t turn back
I won’t turn back
But like before I glance at the familiar home
I hope to be disgusted
I hope to fall in shame
But I don’t
I feel a certain fear
The fear that grabs your stomach
But I have already started to move
No turning back now
Not for a while
I have started moving and aim not to stop
Sure at times ill stop and maybe look back
I may even pace back a little
But I must remain strong
I find my water
Now to move on
Move past the sand
Onto something better
Something solid
My stomach knots
My skin screams with pain
My ancestors stand in the way
My future leaps for joy
Whom then should I please
Let the dead bury the dead
Let the living love the living
I move onward
Bumps
All around I am slowed
But I hurry
I rush to the mountain with a great fatigue
A great hunger
None will stop me
One will hold me
Oh to be in the river
It is what I dream of
It is why I came to this damned place
This cursed desert
All this sand
It is so comfortable
Just one look
One look back
I turn my head and see the desert home
So superficial
So comfortable
So ugly
Time to move on
I must remain ever vigilant
Remain straight
I will go home
Home to the mountain someday
To be tucked away safely
Once and for all time

Homesick… Not Really, Just Footballsick

2008-09-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

September 7, 2008

I miss football. Today is opening day for the NFL, and that’s probably going to be on my mind all day. The previous few years today has been one of my favorite days. I would go to church all excited and get home and sprint to the T.V. and watch all of the pregame shows on Fox and CBS. I’d run through my fantasy team to make sure I have it all how I want it. Now I don’t even know who is playing on my team anymore because I can’t rally check it here. I am sadder that I can’t watch the Lions, who are getting a really exciting offense. I guess that at least I can’t really be disappointed most Sundays this year. That’s about the only good thing about not watching football.
Aside from that little ramble, I am doing very well. I started to open up to my PST team (PST means Pre-Ship Training). I have been more talkative every day and am starting to be me around these people. Although this is good, I find myself in a familiar position; I just can’t open up on a deep level. I feel like I am going to be judged every time I want to open up. I have had this problem for a long time, just ask a certain ex of mine, and I feel like I need to overcome it. I don’t want shallow relationships, but without opening up I know that is all I can have. I would love to listen to people’s problems and past, but when it comes to me telling them of mine I get nervous and shy. It’s quite odd.
My brain is fried. I think that they crammed enough new information in it to last for a while. We have basic safety training right now, which is training to know how to be safe on the ship, and it is the most boring thing I’ve done in years. I find myself always tired and looking for sleep in the classes. It reminds me of High School again, where I couldn’t stay awake if I wanted to. Basically I’m mentally exhausted and just waiting to get to the ship. A deep physical exhaustion is way better, because I find myself not wanting to think with a mental tiredness. I’d rather sit and think any day than just zone out all of the time. I can’t wait to get t the ship.
The food here sucks (well most of the time). I tried liver for the first time, and almost puked. Lunch is always some nasty form of meat, and dinner is usually decent. All of the trainers tell me that I will love this ships cooking compared to this stuff. Another reason to get there. I am enjoying my PST though the people here are mostly genuine. There is one particular person that I think I could have problems with in the future. He is just incredibly overbearing. His personality is opposite of mine and he just won’t stop talking to anybody to listen for a second. He is always trying to show himself better than people around girls. Whenever people talk about guys being jerks or stereotypical he has to make it a point that he isn’t like that. He even took the microphone at a meeting we had for SP (I’ll explain that in a second) that he is not the typical guy. That’s just silly.
Well, SP is something called social policy. This is the rules to how you relate to women, particularly if you have interest in a relationship with one. The rules here are that you can’t date the first year of your commitment but after that your free game, kind of. You have to go to an officer and request them to get SP with a person of the opposite sex then they proceed to ask a female advisor and find out if they like you back. THEN the advisors contact the families and see if it is ok of you to date, and if all goes well, you have yourself a girlfriend. No wonder people who date here get married so much, after going through all of that together. The whole process is pretty intimidating.
I just wanted to remind all of you guy how happy I am to be here and how glad I am to have your support and prayers. Prayers make my world revolve. I hope I can touch a few of you guys back home with my stories to make you fall in love with the Amazing God we have. I am reminded every day how huge his grace is. You can never use it up. He truly is a well that will never run dry, and I have to tell myself that all of the time. Sometimes I feel like I am not worthy to be here, but then I remember all of the broken people God called into his glory. All of the tax collectors, prostitutes, murderers, and thieves he loved with all his heart. I even would venture to say that it is easier for the broken to love Him, as the grace seems even more real. I also remember that I don’t love him like I should, and I try to improve that day by day. I know I have screwed up in the past but that just makes his love more real. The reality is that I am forgiven and that we have a Big God.

A Long Line of Leavers

2008-08-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

So the GO! Conference 2008 is officially over tomorrow. Usually at this point in a trip I am headed home, but not this time. It feels a little odd still that I won’t be seeing my forest home again soon or swimming in Lake Huron with my friends. But I won’t, and that means it is time for me to grow up. No more mommy to pack my bags and hold my hand. I talked to a man that had been on the Logos Hope for a few months setting stuff up, and he said “When people first arrive you think that they are all just a bunch of immature punks, but they grow up fast.” I can’t wait to get to the ship and start my work and get accustomed to life there. I can’t wait to go be introduced to the community of people that I will be a part of for the next two years at least. But I can wait to go to training; it is 70 or so of us that will be new to the Logos Hope crammed into a building. All the guys sleep in one room (which is a gym) and we train there in Denmark where everything is expensive. But it’ll be an experience. Most of my time here has been an experience, one that I will already never forget.
Also, I won’t have internet at training for 2 weeks, so this will probably be my last post for a while, but you never know, maybe they are wrong. I will still write blogs, but post them when I get to internet. I also am almost out of clean shirts, and laundry is full tonight. I’m not really sure what to do about that. I did go for a nice little stroll today since it was nice out for once and took some pictures. Those will be posted on my photobucket. That’s all I have to say about that.

Picture This

2008-08-27T04:23:00.000-07:00

Four walls full of people willing and eager to go insane for Christ, an amazing story told by a leader,a good worship group with good songs and, an even better God. Put that together and that was my evening service. It was like the flood gates of reserve were torn down in my life. I sang through the first songs with a little apprecation for where I was and a lot of thought on my life. Through the sermon I payed attention, it wasn’t much; until the end. Somehow what he said clicked, but now it seems so long ago that barely remember. The main reason for this is the monsoon that followed. I was hit like I have never been hit during the closing worship songs, and sang my heart out. I had never really done that before, and it felt so freeing. Then after 3-4 songs, I prayed. I prayed and listened and felt God. Every now and then I would open my eyes and just picture the room with one extra person. I saw Christ watching us with a loving smile and gleaming eyes. That made my heart melt. I repented, I praised, I prayed for my cast, I wrote. I had nowhere to write except for my bible’s last page, so now I have a poem on the last page of my bible and here is what I wrote, enjoy:

I stand anew in your glory every day
I feel your soft touch when I wake
You are the well that quenches my thirst
I breathe you mercy when I’m hurt
You fill my lungs with thunderous love
My praises sound in the heavens above
You pick me up when I fall
A glorious hand comes at my call
Why am I so blessed?
After all I have stressed?
Your river never runs dry
A taste alone makes me cry
Although deaf I hear your voice
Although mute I cry my choice
It is you dear father
For your love is like no other

A Stroll In Holland

2008-08-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today I got to see a little bit of the nation that is the Netherlands. I went for a nice quiet 2 hour ride to a town near here called “Ommen”. The ride was another picturesque European scene from a movie. As I road on the bike path (which are literally everywhere) I passed fields with cows and corn, then forests into more fields. The cow pastures here are significantly smaller than American ones. It seems our cows are incredibly spoiled! That would be if only if the grass was not as green and perfect as I have seen in my few years of life; good ol’ American spray-paint can’t match this honesty. Also, along the way I realized that I don’t think the Dutch people like Americans very much. I got stared down with every passing citizen. I guess one would expect the same treatment in a big American city such as New York or Los Angeles, but I never saw it coming from this little homely Dutch town. Although these people seem to not take kindly to me, I did notice the importance of family that overshadows America’s pathetic attempt at it (not to offend). In this Western European culture work is a lot less important than family. I learned in German class that the typical German work week is only 32-35 hours long, and is considered full time. This leaves plenty of room for family, and they do bond a lot through “holiday”. Ask any of these people where they’ve been and you will hear a long list followed by “that’s usually on holiday” or something like that. These people get it. Family trumps money every time, no excuse. Please, if you don’t already let your family know how important they are, do so soon because we all know the fathers love; now display it to those closest to you. And to my family, you all know how you have impacted me and how much I love you guys.

The Land of Eternal Rain

2008-08-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

Every day when I wake up and go outside it is raining. Although to most this may put them in a sort of depressed mood, but not anybody here. Maybe because the rain here is different, for it is not impairing rain, but a soft tender rain. It’s almost a pleasant rain. The scenery here (I am currently in the Netherlands) is absolutely beautiful, it takes my breath away. We are in a little medieval hotel in the middle of a farming community with all sorts of animals and their respective pastures all around us. There are people riding bikes all over the place and small cars whizzing around the brick-layed roads. Our hotel is right next to a decent sized river with a cow pasture on the other side. No matter how hard the rain was, it could never steal God’s handmade beauty I see all around me. But it’s not only here; for honestly the drive here reminded me of Ohio with flat land and ever changing landscape of city and farmland. It even makes me appreciate what we have to look at in the USA, Michigan is a beautiful place, as is most of the US.
What can match the beauty of this place is the beauty of the people I am surrounded by constantly. These are good people. It is hard to find a place where people genuinely care about you, but I found a place where EVERYBODY cares about you. Genuine love is a truly gorgeous thing. Not to mention the beauty of the foreign women! Just kidding. I really know this is where I am called to be, the next part is getting over my past and moving forward into a new life that has been set before me. I do miss all of those I left behind sorely, yet I am filled with hope. I know I will see all you guys again soon. I am not sorry for leaving though, as I found a temporary home in this place. Just know I think of you all the time, and you are all in my prayers, and keep me in yours.