There and Back Again:A Sad Tale September 16, 2011

Life. A great man once said, “What has been will be again; what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” Depressing, right? I was just sitting in my bed alone, half reminiscing, half feeling bad for myself, when my mind was turned to three years ago-I was on the start of what would be an epic part of my life (of which most of you know the details). I was just getting familiar with myself and my surroundings, yet something held me back deep within. I couldn't seem to click on the level I had wanted with people. I wasn't undoing myself for anyone, nor even making an attempt at it with anyone that could have been special. I isolated myself from people for reasons beyond logic and rationality. I am somewhat of a loner, but without people life is so much harder, and I knew that, yet I did nothing.

So, as I lay there, my mind turns to today, and then to the scripture. It's funny that the most depressing book in the bible is often the most visible in my life (some call me pessimistic, but I say I am a realist). The teacher proclaimed the verse I alluded to, with the probable definition toward groups of people and how they act, but it seems like most of us could probably turn that wisdom upon our own heart. I sure know I can.

Three years. Three long, beautiful, emotional, capricious years and I feel right back where I started. Again I am on the crest of a new adventure (where only the Lord knows where it is going) and yet again I feel alone, which is never a good (and often a false) feeling. I feel like I want to change but don't know how. I know my depth still, or at least I think I do. I thought I had learned all about my deep insides already, why am I here again? I thought I was sure of what I was and what I stood for, yet here I stand again, a broken man.

The same questions rape my mind (pardon the language, but it best describes) and leave me feeling sheepish-the very feeling I wish to chase away! It really is a paradox of the heart (something I have tried to ignore). I feel lame yet I don't ask for help; I just sit at the street corner playing sad songs on my guitar with three strings. I peddle my good to a wall. I chase a dragon I have already slayed. I wander along in my heart again, my soul yearning for something that I know I have to come, yet again, for something new.

This is a different beast with the same name that I fight. I fight the feeling of discontent and pride, yet he has arisen with three heads where there was only one. The old beast was only of my own making; this one is more. The new heads reeled toward my face wear names I am unfamiliar with. I cannot fight them with the weapons I possess (I hope people can read symbolism some). To put it simply, there is a serious age gap and a disconnect I feel from the community at my new home.

So as people are out having fun on a Friday night, I will do homework because of some great mystery within my heart. I call out to open the door to no response. If I can't get a response, then who can?

A Simple Reverie (I Thank My God...)

My mind reminisces of a time not so far away
A reverie invades my waking conscious
And my heart turns inside my chest
As my soul cries aloud, my eyes quietly pour
And my heart breaks just a little more

This reverie is much more than pleasantries
A reminder of the path I have traveled
and the rocks I have had to climb
But seldom have I climbed alone
And those reveries fill my soul

I see the ghosts of a life since passed
I cry the tears of a grateful man
I visit those familiar scenes we shared
And although they make my heart blue
I thank my God every time I remember you

I close my damp eyes upon a song
A song of laughter, a song of joy
The song sung by a joyful heart,
A heart that has meant many of its' kind
Now sung to a lonely mind

A slide show of the moments that grasped my heart
A video of the laughs and the tears
A beautiful silhouette of moonlit walks
The music plays loud in the background
And my soul leaps at the love I had found

The places we went and things we saw
The many wonders our eyes beheld
Are nothing without your presence
A lonely night, a starless sky
You were the ones who lit up my life

So as I sit here now in perfect hindsight
I see how much you should have meant
I see how poorly I lived with stars so bright
I wonder if you knew how much you meant
To a heart so easily bent...

As the reverie fades into the darkness of night
And I fall into a peaceful sleep once again
I beg my subconscious to remember my reverie
So that, just for one long night,
You may be once again in my sight

I write this not to any one person
I write this not to garner pity or tears
I write this for one reason, and one reason only
No matter what it is that I may do,
I always thank my God for you...

And now I need to see just how much
Just how much people mean to me
The value in those who love me
And to love them recklessly, painfully
So that my heart once again knows joy fully

I pray that everyone may know by what I do
That I thank my God every time I remember you

Love Recklessly

They walk
They run
From here
All the way to there
All the time being followed
But they don’t see
They only believe
They are the murderers
The alcoholics
The beaters
Bruisers
But nobody knows it
We only believe
The masks are thick and deep
They wear on their faces always
They are the hair stylists
The closet homosexual
The football player
The construction worker
The blue collar employee
The priest
But nobody cares
We just say we do
Their stomachs are full
But their hearts are empty
Minds are riddled with confusion
But hearts are full of holes
Can’t hold water
Can’t hold love
They are the broken
They are the narcissistic
They are the humble
They are the arrogant
They are you
They are me.
There is a severe famine in this world
There is a severe hunger in our souls
A rose, a garden
Misrepresent something so longed for
Aesthetic beauty fills the world around us
The flowers
The trees
The sun
The moon and stars
All a gift from someone
But science has disproved that
Made something beautiful…
Random…
Thus a famine for one thing that science lacks
A hunger for something that the media pretends to offer
We ask for love and are given romance
We ask for care and are given a rock
We ask for healing and are given a Band-Aid
All of it a longing for fulfillment
All of it a longing
A hunger
For that which makes us feel
Anything at all…
Love is in serious shortage
True, pure love is unequivocal
Real love is naïve and foolish
Real love is pain and hurt
Real love is a commodity
Real love means vulnerability
And in our world of success
Vulnerability is a no-no
How can we love if we don’t trust?
Recklessly trust
Recklessly love
They are the hurt
The pained
The broken down
They trust too much
They love too much
They are the peaceful
The loved
The joyful
They are you
They are me
Capable of something more
Capable of love
Incapable of nothing
Built in love
Built for love
Built for Him
Built to love recklessly…

The Truth Is

Turn on your radio and put it on scan. Mark down how many songs are about love. I bet that 80% of the songs on the radio cover this common topic (the 20% being Christian music, which covers a different love and rap music talking about God knows what), in fact one may say that the world is obsessed with love. Love is barely even noticeable behind all of the make-up put on it today. Movies and music, games and behavior, goals and social lives: All are centered on love; but love has been reduced to romance. Everything seems to be centered on finding the “one and only”, or just having sex to make yourself feel good. That’s what it seems to be all about doesn’t it? The commercial world we dwell in tells us that everything is permissible, and good, as long as it makes you feel good. Love will make you feel good. Love will conquer all your heartache and messed up tendencies. Love will fill that longing, aching heart you have in your chest. Well, I guess they are one to something, but they got their forms of love all screwed up.
The truth is that I am so tired of living for that kind of love: The kind of love that will never be enough to fill; the kind of love that will end up giving just as much hardship as peace; the kind of love that is centered primarily on me. The kind of love that we see advertised is a feel good love, and a feel good love is not true love at all. A feel good love is a love that will always disappoint and will always come up short because, well, we don’t always feel good, do we? I have been in a few relationships, and have seen many more, and I can tell you that rarely does a relationship evolve past this mentality of “I love you because you love me”. I have seen people give their hearts into relationships just to realize that the other person never loved them. I have been in a relationship centered on feeling good, and, although it was a great experience, it just was missing a certain something. Love is missing a lot of something, at least the love I am sold on TV and in Music.
“I’m so tired
Of livin’ for
The kind of love
That only comes and goes”
The truth is that I am tired of love and how it is thrown in my face everywhere. You go to a family get-together and they all ask you why you don’t have a girlfriend. You go to work and the people wonder when you’ll get married. You go to church and you see things like singles groups trying to hook you up. You go to a bar and you expect to hit on a girl. It’s everywhere. The opposite sex is the most important thing in this world to a high majority of people in the West, but what happens when you find that special person? What happens when, 2 years into your marriage, you stop feeling good and happy when your wife spends too much money? What happens when you lose everything banking on marriage you thought would last forever?
The truth is that I am tired of false love and its promotion by damn near everyone. A great man once said “This is true love: if a man is willing to die for his friend”. When was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for someone else, and not to feel good about it or make amends, but just because they needed it. True love is as rare as an eclipse in a world searching endlessly to find it. Instead, we get wedding chapels in Vegas and a divorce rate over 50%. Where the heck did we get so far off course from what it meant? Well, the truth is that love has always been something of highest importance, and that it has always been sought fiercely. I have a feeling that this wandering is nothing new, just like most things.
I am so tired of living for this love, but my heart is still aching for a romance. Where shall I find solace from the whispers of my heart in a world that doesn’t know anything of real love? The arms I run into are getting harder to find, yet I search none-the-less. Precious Lord, abide with me.

Flashbacks: Final Announced Update on September 13, 2010

As I sat in the van, driving to the airport an intense mix of emotions was flowing over my mind. On one hand, I had wanted to leave the Ship for a while, and on the other hand, I was already missing those whom I had said goodbye to. That mix of emotion continued through the flying to Barcelona, the long day in Paris (worst airport ever!) and my time with a friend outside of Atlanta. Now I sit where I started, but I sit a different person, with a redeemed soul, and a semblance of passion in my soul. As I look over the OM USA base, it remains the same, yet I am not the same. I have been touched by the lives that have come into my heart; a heart that has been ripped to shreds again and again. I sit here shy in the wonder of guy, and fearful of time passing my by, going much faster than I am. Tears fill my heart as I look upon the last two years on the Logos Hope, and I can truly say that I enjoyed it, no matter how much I wanted to leave at points.
The OM USA office is a place of wonderful solitude. Set in the backwoods town of Tyrone, Georgia, it sits outside of metro-Atlanta by a number of miles. The property is surrounded by woods, and the housing is high class as far as I can tell. It’s very quiet and reflective here, and it is easy for me to get caught up in my emotions. I see things that remind me of the start of my journey, places that I first met people I would grow far closer to, and my mind goes on a train seeing before my minds-eye the events of a long two years; the arrival in Denmark, PST, all the way to recent Africa. The events are the paper on which my story has been written, and the people are the words which make up this story. The ship has put so many wonderful people in my way, so many I will never see again. It breaks my heart to think of those who laughed with me, challenged me, loved me regardless of my many imperfections, and just spent time with me. I look back and see how lucky I was to spend time with people such as these. I look ahead and see the moments I need to cherish with those who are real.
I will spend the next few days saying goodbye to the Ship in my heart and preparing to move on to the next adventure in my life. I will go through processing talks with a mentor, and reflect on everything, preparing my heart to be steadfast in the face of temptation. The next days will be spent remembering how I have been blessed by so many people in my life, so many wonderful people, not just on the Ship, but in Michigan as well. I will never forget any heart that has made a true connection to mine, and I thank God that so many hearts cared. I will miss you, friends abroad, and I already do…