I never thought letting go would be so hard, but it is. I made the decision that my amazing girlfriend and I become friends before I embarked on my journey. I thought I would be able to deal with it nice and easily. I thought the attachment would be simply turned off. Boy was I wrong! I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I have never experienced heartbreak until now, and it is awful. I now know why so many sorrowful songs are written about it. The hardest part is knowing how much pain the girl is in and how I hurt her so much. I wish this were all easy, but love is very complicated. I am constantly reminded of the Caedmon’s Call song called Love is Different; which says in it “You can’t just turn it off, Put a blindfold on your heart” which pertains to love. This line rings true to me right now because of the rush of emotion when I see a picture of her or hear a song that was special to us. You really don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The hardest part of this whole thing is the nighttime. That is when all of the memories come flooding into my head and it has usually ended in some tears. I never knew how deep my attachment was to her. Now I do.
There are some rays of hope in this situation. First of all, I have the most amazing opportunity I could dream of. The trip I am going on is always on mind too, and this rush of emotion is quite the opposite of the previous mention. I get butterflies talking about it. I feel such a nervous excitement and serenity. I know it is where I belong. Another thing that catches and saves me is the level of friendship I have with all of my friends. I know that if I ever need someone, they will be there. Knowing that I have someone to fall back onto along with my family gives me an incredible sense of security.
Luke 9:60 says "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God". I know that Christ calls us to follow him with reckless abandon, but right now it is hard to see past my past. It is so hard, but I know that time and prayer will close this wound. I only hope that both of us fill the hole in our heart with the right things! The temptations of this place are so abundant. You can’t blink in your faith or else you make a mistake. My mistakes are frequent, and my shortcomings are numerous. Oh what astounding grace has set me free. Now is the time to respond to such love. Let the nations hear of this love, and I will be a messenger soon enough.