We near Africa; the newest chapter of my life is beginning. My second sail across the Atlantic has been nice but has fallen short of the expectations laid by the last sail. I have had some rest, and some time to recharge, had time to spend with friends, time to watch movies, but most importantly, time with God. We stopped to bunker fuel on the farthest reaches of Africa, called Cape Verde, which is a country of small islands that used to belong to Portugal. I was able to go off the Ship for the first time in ten days and go swimming and enjoy the island cuisine for lunch. The Island itself was something like Europe mixed with North Africa, and the people were the same. It was the first place I have been in ages in which English is not widely known or recognized, maybe even since Europe. It was a good day, spending time with friends away from our Ship for a short break, and it was likely the last day I will ever spend in the Deck department again (I have been working with them while sailing). But the next day’s events swallowed up the fun.
The next day (Friday) was our prayer day, and I had decided to have a date with my Savior. I woke up at sunrise (after only 4 hours of sleep) to try and start off right, as a time of rejoicing and thanking God for the things he has given me. This is what I wrote, and part of what I prayed, at that time:
Each new day is a tapestry of grace
Of how you snatched me from the fire
Of how I can never soil your love for me
Every passing breath is a testimony of love
A righteous God loving an unrighteous person
Imperfection being made beautiful
Every mistake is a reason to flee to you
Yet I find myself leading myself
And you still have love for me
I don’t understand your insurmountable grace
When I hear your voice, see your face
I’m surprised at what I behold
From one so perfect, so absolutely holy,
There should be wrath, or sheer justice
But I feel no oppression of fate
Only a freedom I don’t deserve
A freedom full of a passionate love
A passion I shall never grasp
A heart my heart shall never get
Why are You so good to me, oh Lord?!
Yet I take your goodness and throw it away
Abusing something so utterly ridiculous
Turning a glorious sunset into a deep night
But every time, in the end, You draw forth a glorious light
And:
A brush stroke on a blue-gray sky
A slow turning of tides
Lighter blue and lighter still
Every minute the lighter it gets
Waiting to burst forth in beautiful hue
Impending glory awaits your call
For you control the beautiful things of this world
Yet we live free to choose our path
How can you put up with us?
Our sins multiply our stench and filth
Yet your heart aches at the falling of one
A pain I could never possibly know
Your hand creates things for a fallen race
Who give no thanks; no appreciation
So Lord, take my small measure of thanks
And multiply it into billions
Take my broken soul and body
And use them for your glory
I squander the resource of love
And make myself a fool
I need You so much
Come and fill me up
Come and fill my cup
Then I went back to sleep.
When I awoke, I went back to the top of the ship to find a place to be with God alone, and found my spot for the day. There on the ledge, after getting the sleep out of me, I started to repent. I started with the small things, then kept finding things that I screw up with; not living up to my calling, not loving everyone, being afraid of rejection, not rebuking those who are clearly outside of scripture, want, discontent, masks, a past of mistakes, and most of all, apathy. I repented for hours, weeping for the first time in a long time. Crying out to God for forgiveness and for change, reaching inside myself to draw up dormant things most wouldn’t consider sin, finding things that hinder me so much, things that block my relationship with God (I consider those sins just as deadly, if not more lethal, than the major vices). As I listened to Derek Webb’s song “We come to you”, which is mostly instrumental, I came to God’s feet, asking for love, and love I received. I don’t know if you have felt the freedom and peace after a time of true repentance, but it is a feeling unlike any other I have experienced, and I recommend trying it. This is what welled up in my heart at that time:
Father,
You have convicted me of my sins
They multiply with each step I take
Forgive me of my misuse of love
Turning something so beautiful and free
Into something to be earned
Forgive me of my pride
Making a false sense of humility to
Cover the tracks of an obstinate heart
To veil the pain held in my mind
The pain of loving myself more
More than anyone I met
More than You…
Father, I am so sinful, so wrong
Forgive me; deliver me, Oh Lord!
Tears fall upon cold steel
As grace falls upon a cold heart
I need your grace, your precious grace
I need your presence, yet I’ve denied it
For so long using my own strength
To lift rocks while I should be moving mountains
Forgive me for doubting everything
I fall victim to the mentality of our age
“Man over God; Do it yourself
Live for you; Follow your heart!”
How self-centered is my thinking!
Father, forgive me. I need You.
I need you presence to sustain
All you have given me
I need your power to change
All darkness living in me
I need your heart to love
Those I don’t even like
I need you grace to soar above
The mistakes I put in my path
But most of all, I need you.
I also wrote this:
A desolate desert full of sand
A drop of water
Redemption has found me once again
How refreshing it is!
You found me in my most vulnerable hour
Turned me upside down
Emptied the pockets of my heart
Of the sin within
Oh! How beautiful the rising sun
Over this dreary heart!
Oh! How glorious your peace!
Bringing a smile to my face
Bringing solace to my troubled heart
In broken places
You are the fix
You are my cure, my remedy
How beautiful is the chorus!
How wonderful a sound
That sings of my forgiveness!
After this, I decided to go and pray for Africa (what we were doing that day) in the lower decks. I never understood how many countries have problems with stealing humans to use in everything from children soldiers to sexual exploits to slaves. People have little value in this place I am going, and I never understood what that means. It is so sad that we live so individually free, and they are oppressed by such things as war and slavery. We sit on our buts watching TV, thinking money is the answer, when they need so much more. They need love, they need peace, and they need education. Money will not solve much in the end as it is such an exhaustible resource. How little I can do, but how much God can do struck a chord in my mind, and as I prayed for these countries and the continent, I prayed with true words, but also with some form of determination to love people here, as my main objective. After this, I took a nap.
When I woke, I set out to have a final scheduled prayer time with God; a time of letting go. After finishing praying for my loved ones, I took to it to write again. This time I wrote my worries on a sheet of paper. I wrote my fears about my future and my fears of present. I wrote the situations close to my heart that take some of my mental health. I talked to God explaining what it was that I was worried about, and apologized for my unbelief. I looked at my list, 4 pages long, and realized that I worry way too much. I prayed for release from the worry, release from fear. I tore my papers up and cast them into the wind (which led the scraps onto the very deck I was, alas!). I felt somewhat at ease, and continued to read as the finished its course around my world. Here is what I wrote after the release (attempted, maybe) of my worry:
The fact of the matter is
Everywhere I’ve been
And everything I’ve done
You’ve held the reins
My future sits in front
A blurry blue-gray cloud
Waiting to be lit
By a liberating sun
So I cast my cares
Unto the corners of the earth
Take heart!
Fill up!
For you are my redeemed
Oh my soul, rejoice!
For you are FREE
Free to use your voice
Free to run
Free to cry
For your hand is held
All fear is being felled
After reading, I went to a prayer event with the ship, and had my first real human interaction of the day around 7:15 (which is awesome!). We prayed for various departments and for us and for Africa, after worshiping. What a day, a rare treat, praise the Lord.
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