Life. A great man once said, “What has been will be again; what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” Depressing, right? I was just sitting in my bed alone, half reminiscing, half feeling bad for myself, when my mind was turned to three years ago-I was on the start of what would be an epic part of my life (of which most of you know the details). I was just getting familiar with myself and my surroundings, yet something held me back deep within. I couldn't seem to click on the level I had wanted with people. I wasn't undoing myself for anyone, nor even making an attempt at it with anyone that could have been special. I isolated myself from people for reasons beyond logic and rationality. I am somewhat of a loner, but without people life is so much harder, and I knew that, yet I did nothing.
So, as I lay there, my mind turns to today, and then to the scripture. It's funny that the most depressing book in the bible is often the most visible in my life (some call me pessimistic, but I say I am a realist). The teacher proclaimed the verse I alluded to, with the probable definition toward groups of people and how they act, but it seems like most of us could probably turn that wisdom upon our own heart. I sure know I can.
Three years. Three long, beautiful, emotional, capricious years and I feel right back where I started. Again I am on the crest of a new adventure (where only the Lord knows where it is going) and yet again I feel alone, which is never a good (and often a false) feeling. I feel like I want to change but don't know how. I know my depth still, or at least I think I do. I thought I had learned all about my deep insides already, why am I here again? I thought I was sure of what I was and what I stood for, yet here I stand again, a broken man.
The same questions rape my mind (pardon the language, but it best describes) and leave me feeling sheepish-the very feeling I wish to chase away! It really is a paradox of the heart (something I have tried to ignore). I feel lame yet I don't ask for help; I just sit at the street corner playing sad songs on my guitar with three strings. I peddle my good to a wall. I chase a dragon I have already slayed. I wander along in my heart again, my soul yearning for something that I know I have to come, yet again, for something new.
This is a different beast with the same name that I fight. I fight the feeling of discontent and pride, yet he has arisen with three heads where there was only one. The old beast was only of my own making; this one is more. The new heads reeled toward my face wear names I am unfamiliar with. I cannot fight them with the weapons I possess (I hope people can read symbolism some). To put it simply, there is a serious age gap and a disconnect I feel from the community at my new home.
So as people are out having fun on a Friday night, I will do homework because of some great mystery within my heart. I call out to open the door to no response. If I can't get a response, then who can?