Tunnel Vision

Two years is a long time from many life perspectives. I have now been away from a life at home for one month short of two years. The same paradox that is involved with time often is in play here; it feels like I have been away for ages upon ages, yet it feels to have gone by so fast that I can barely keep up with the memories. My years on board have been a huge blessing to my spiritual life-maybe even the birth of a deep relationship with my creator-but I have been known to possess a very bad case of tunnel vision throughout my life. In High School, my senior year was a year of academic apathy and discord. The last months of that year (in which I had only 5 classes, 3 being gym related classes) were full of figuring out ways of not getting in trouble and being with my friends: I barely picked up a book that whole year.

Now, 5 years after graduating High School, the same feeling of readiness, even eagerness and need, for change occupy a large part of my living consciousness. As I have said before, the Ship has helped save me from a live of potential immorality, and I feel I owe a huge debt to it for that, but I am ready to finish. The ministry here is certainly unique, and I fear I don’t exactly fit the mold of what they want, nor am I willing to conform into anything but what I am. The ship is amazing in the fact that it can isolate people by bringing them on board something very few get a chance to experience, into a seriously Christian environment. People on board take Christ seriously-although the weakness can be glaring at times, especially in my own life- and many people don’t get to see any form of truly authentic relationship with Christ. When one comes here, they have a good chance of being engaged by an evangelist, of which is almost never me. That is where I don’t generally fit in well, not only because I lack the social confidence that many here display, but also because I refuse to accept that the gospel can be displayed fully through sales pitches, phrases, catchy tracts, or anything of that sort of matter; it needs a relationship to be completely relevant. This is said not in an offensive stance toward evangelical tactics and practices, but as a cause for reflection. Sometimes, evangelism can be shallow and not actually loving (often the “brimstone and fire” approach stirs these feelings most), but as Paul said, it only matters that the gospel is preached, even when selfish intentions are used, as long as it is true. I fail to let myself be vulnerable, and have respect for those who can initiate relationship quickly, as I tend to take time to let my heart be opened (ask Tawny).

The conclusion I aim for is to convey that I am ready to leave the place I have called home the past two years: I am ready for what is next. The reasons for this can be simplified by saying that I am not a people-person in a place that is full of people. Everywhere you go, anything you do, you can’t get away from people for long. This state of affair is severely draining on my mental life. In fact, I feel like I would like to be alone for a while year, even though I know I would eventually get lonely; well, maybe. Apart from that, I have a relatively clear idea of where I would like go to, which involves attempting to write, learning to draw, getting a job, and heading to Nepal in September 2011. That is what I would like, but where God will send me I have no idea, which I am perfectly fine with. Please pray for strength to endure this mentally trying time, and to learn whatever lesson God is presenting me with.