A clean sheet lies in front of me. Just a sheet of paper. Not even that, it’s a screen, yet for some reason I have a hard time telling it all that’s on my heart. I can only tell God and myself all that’s on my mind. I feel like I have a lot to offer, but it’s all in the basement. I’m scared. I’m scared of being vulnerable, I’m scared of judgment on me, and I’m deathly afraid of rejection. I’m sure that this dang screen will not judge me, but why can’t I tell it my problems. I get red faced and nervous. Where did my trust in people go? I can’t really relate it to a single event; more like a chain of events in my life, most of which were minuscule. I go back to being betrayed in my subconscious every time I want to express my feelings. I’m not just this sarcastic and shallow guy. Really computer I promise that I’m not. I try to be deep. I try to open up, but why express feelings I try not to feel. I think my apathy is almost corrosive. When did I stop caring on the outside yet care more and more on the inside? I have something to offer to people, don’t I? I know I do, but I hold it down. I hold it down for fear of being disappointed again. We all have our disappointments, so why do I take them so hard?
The real core of this problem is in my confidence. Although at times I may seem somewhat sure of myself, I’m not. Flat out insecure. Where does this feeling of belittlement come from? I read constantly how beautiful and amazing I am from the only one that actually matters. Why does that mean so little right now? Although he is God, I am still me. I still struggle with the problems I have my whole life. I struggle with jealousy, I struggle with all the things men struggle with, and I even have my wrestling matches with pride. Why pride? I am insecure, where does this feeling of deep pride come from? My biggest problem lies in jealousy at times. I see people walking around with an aura of confidence and humility and I just wish I could have that. The fact is that I probably won’t. It has been engraved in my mind that I am not good enough. The funny thing is that all my life I have been told how handsome I was, or how athletic I am, or how smart I am, or how compassionate I am. Why don’t I see these things? Although I do see them in flashes, when somebody better comes around, I get really self conscious. I think that it is all pride. I wish I was the best, but somebody is always better, and if not they are training to be better. Man what a cycle. Even as I write this I struggle with idea of publishing it. I am incredibly vulnerable actually, and I realize this the more I think about it. I think everybody is vulnerable, but I fail to register this in the ol’ noggin. I could be better; better looking, more athletic, smarter, skinnier, faster, and funnier. But I’m not, that’s just a fact. Sure, some of those things I could work on, but would that make me feel better? Probably not. I wish I could tell myself that I am good enough through him and really feel it deep down in my belly. I have my moments, but not enough. Again, not spiritual enough. One day I will be perfect, for He tells me so. I can’t wait.
Believe it or not, I am really enjoying my time here. I am building friendships, but I think the standard of my homely friends is really hard to match. They are amazing, I couldn’t have better. I hope that one day we share the same intimate love with Christ, and I pray for it every day. Even if we don’t, they are my best friends, and they mean the world to me. I think this standard has kind of created a small wall for me into entering new friendships that I struggle with at the moment. I only write this down right now because I have nowhere comfortable to turn, and I realize you may not judge as harshly as others. Please don’t judge me by these entries alone, they are just my struggles. The life of a 21 year old going on a journey with his savior was never meant to be easy, and I didn’t expect it to be.
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6 comments:
You're good enough for the ogres! As long as you don't call yourself a pirate, of course haha.
Ryan you are currently embarked on a journey that all of us should often take: the long look inside and not stopping there with our lives dwelling merely on our flesh, but on the glaring truth of the redemption won on the cross. The beautiful mystery of the love of God found in Christ alone. I know that you are in a place where you get to often pause and taste the goodness of God. I pray that we all could live that same kind of life. "A frantic life is not conducive to the life of the Spirit." says Charles Hummel and we Americans are often starving our souls in that truth.
your Dad
OK so I may have contributed some to your insecurities...the harsh sister that I am. Sorry. However I feel the same way as you. I feel good until someone walks in that may be prettier, skinnier, better at teaching or being a mom. Same way. I am happy when I look in the mirror some days and horrified all of the rest. I always as myself "if I don't like me, how could He?" I don't get it either, never had. Mom and dad have always encouraged us and lifted us up...Don't be afraid. These people are the same as you, however they may not be brave enough to admit it. They are there seeking Him too. If you open up and they reject you, you are only there for another two years with them. No biggie. lol. Love you. And you are great and prefect and blameless in His eyes!!
Your sis said it, I agree with all she commented on : ) I don't want to repeat what has already been said. But, I tpp struggle with what you say you do..You see, most of us do, but like Jen said, most may not admit it : ) I am so glad you are where your at..because not only are you serving others in the Lords name, you are obviously learning a lot about yourself and having that time to do so. I am very excited for you! Thank you much for being so honest with your posting here. you see, You did it after all ! And remember, to be pleasing God is what counts not us or what we (others) think of you : ) umm, might I add : Easier said then done, so we all keep clinging to Jesus for wisdom and his strength alone. Have a blessed day and know you are much loved.
Stacey
Ryan,
Your dad passed on your blog info and I finally checked it out..They have been a blessing to me. I regret that our family hadn't gotten to know you more before you left, but am excited to get to know you better as you embark on this amazing experience. You are in prayers. I just finished reading "Messy Spirituality" and this quote spoke to me: "Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness." Praise God for the cross--where the ugliness of ourselves meets the beauty of Christ--keep your focus on the cross. Under the blood, Annie Caldwell & family
I finally have the link to your blog!!!
Ry, of everyone I know in my life, if one of them is to go out and attempt something this brave, I know it would be you. You have it in you.. More than the rest of us. I wish my faith was as strong as yours. But that faith is what makes you Ryan Coon. One of the best friends a guy could ask for.
We have learned alot from you, and of what I hope you have learned from me, Tim, and Kyle... is how to be COCKY! haha
You've got all the confidence in the world. Show people your confidence and your passion for God, and they will see the awesome affect that God can have on their lives.
Love ya man.
Go with Christ.
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