Where To?

I find myself coming back
To the dry well
Back to the desert
Forty years seems like a lifetime
One year seems like a breath
I get thirsty and drink
But forget my water
I drink from the earth
I drink the sand
The sand in this desert
It runs dry as bones
Maybe it is bones
The bones of those defeated
But not I
Beaten and bruised I wander on
My path narrows and straightens
What lies next is hard to see
All I see is in front of me
Sometimes I can’t even make that out
My eyes are weary
My legs scream for rest
My brain is empty
I’m too tired fight
But too tired to sleep
So on I wander
Hoping the next step is the end
The end of the desert
The beginning of something beautiful
Beyond description
A mountain and a waterfall
Appear from nowhere
It’s all within sight
Why can’t I get there?
Are my feet stuck?
My pace quickens and slows
I can’t decide if the mountain is closer
If it’s better to turn around
Go back to the desert and sleep
Maybe tomorrow
That’s what I have said for so long
But tomorrow has come many times
Yet I find myself timid
Maybe today I’ll be bold
I’ll walk to the mountain
I’ll be carried up it when I get there
I can’t wait for the grass
The feeling of sand is so superficial
Superficial and comfortable
The rock seems so troublesome
Why perch on a rock when there is sand
I look back again and again
Always too timid to move foreword
And too afraid to sprint back
But a sudden urge to sprint comes
I fight it all of the time
This time it is different
It calls to me from in front not behind
The mountain screams at me
Should I ignore it?
I rarely feel this tug
But this is no tug
It is a shove
The sand grips my feet
It grabs my heart
It hold is so strong
But its roots are shallow
I think it is time to move
I look back on my steps
I count them
They are numerous
But they go in circles
I have been running in circles
More like ovals
At times toward the mountain
At times toward the sand
Why can’t I decide?
What has gripped my heart with such force?
What will I give in to?
It’s too late
I’ve started to move onward
Toward the mountain
The well
The shade
I can’t wait to rest
But a long journey awaits me
I can’t turn back
I won’t turn back
But like before I glance at the familiar home
I hope to be disgusted
I hope to fall in shame
But I don’t
I feel a certain fear
The fear that grabs your stomach
But I have already started to move
No turning back now
Not for a while
I have started moving and aim not to stop
Sure at times ill stop and maybe look back
I may even pace back a little
But I must remain strong
I find my water
Now to move on
Move past the sand
Onto something better
Something solid
My stomach knots
My skin screams with pain
My ancestors stand in the way
My future leaps for joy
Whom then should I please
Let the dead bury the dead
Let the living love the living
I move onward
Bumps
All around I am slowed
But I hurry
I rush to the mountain with a great fatigue
A great hunger
None will stop me
One will hold me
Oh to be in the river
It is what I dream of
It is why I came to this damned place
This cursed desert
All this sand
It is so comfortable
Just one look
One look back
I turn my head and see the desert home
So superficial
So comfortable
So ugly
Time to move on
I must remain ever vigilant
Remain straight
I will go home
Home to the mountain someday
To be tucked away safely
Once and for all time